Holiday Tension Between Me and DH

[Verbena37]

So for a few years now DH has been refusing to go anywhere UKs based that isn't Center Parcs. He says he wants a holiday that will be guaranteed hot and sunny. I don't fly.....and won't be in the future. I'm plane phobic so that's a no-go.

DH says I'm selfish by not flying and limiting our family summer holidays to the Uk. We have been to France but I'm not good in the heat....really not good. I can't be in the sun and neither can DD. Anything higher than about 22 and I'm done for.

I don't see why we can't book a cottage/farmhouse/hotel in the Uk....somewhere where is lots to do. There are so many places we haven't been and lots of places we have that would be great for a holiday.

I thought Cornwall, Tenby, Cumbria, Scotland etc.....but he refuses. He says it will rain and then what will do.

As a child, we spent pretty much all of our holidays in Scotland so I'm very used to waking in the pouring rain and just get on with it. He says that's no holiday though. We are reluctant to go to France due to the increasing safety worry at the Tunnel. We were planning on going to Disney Paris in July but after last week with the gunman, we thinking not. We could go to France but don't really want to take a long ferry as DH and kids get sea sick badly.

Any ideas.....and places it's highly unlikely to rain. We live in East Anglia so somewhere not near here would be good.

We go to France regularly. We always go on the ferry. My parents go 3 times a year, they go on through the tunnel.

I just don't recognise the scenarios you are talking about. People tugging at door handles etc. Not sure what you are reading but it is scaremongering and not reality.

Yes, now as you drive through calais, you see a lot of people on the side of the road. Then you drive through a fence into the ferry book in area and there isn't anyone.

We go down to Southern France, to a house with a pool. The house is an old stone farmhouse, and even in the heatwave summer of a couple of years ago it was cool inside. The we sit in the shade by the pool while the kids swim.
Dh and ds are red heads and really don't do heat well. This is a way of getting a warm/ hot holiday without heat stress.

The local towns are narrow streets and tall stone housee, which means they are cool to walk round.

What's the rest of the marriage like? There doesn't seem to be a lot of flexibility or compromise.

I don't get the heat thing. I burn easily and am fair-skinned. So I wouldn't want to lie by a Spanish swimming pool roasting in August in midday sun.

Yet I ended up on a June walking holiday in Italy in a heat-wave and temperatures over 30 degrees. It was fine - in every sense of the word. You do more active things early and late, wear sunhats, sit in the shade, drink water etc.

I dislike airports and sitting in cramped planes, but I fly because I want new experiences.

I think it's good to live adventurously - despite the persistence of anxiety. And also to model to your children that while some new things can be a little scary, that fears can be managed and overcome.

We sailed from Hull to Zeebrugge this summer- first time for me, I have always done Dover-Calais in the past. Could just have been an especially smooth crossing, but I'm certain you didn't get anywhere near the motion you do on the channel ferries. You really couldn't tell you were on a boat! Anyone else find that on the larger ferries? And it was a lovely experience, complementary glasses of champagne and a cinema on board, and no worries about having the car stormed by refugees.

I have a phobia of sickness - for years I wouldn't get on a ferry, no because I get seasick, but just because other people might. I did a course of CBT and it really helped, it sort of 'defused' my brain and somehow it has worked. I'm still not brilliant in pukey situations but I can deal with it. I really recommend it. Mind you it's not easy and you do have to want it to work. I got referred from my GP.

At the moment you are sticking your head in the sand and using your phobia as an excuse for not doing too many things. It sounds like you suffer with anxiety generally - it's not normal to worry so much about what might happen on the Eurotunnel or whatever.

Mind you, when I was a kid we didn't have a car but we did travelled loads on trains. We got to Europe via the ferry to Calais (of course I was never keen on that bit!) but we went all over France, Switzerland, Germany, Belgium etc etc. Getting to fly though opens up the whole world to you - you're missing out on so many awesome experiences...

Oh I shoudl say, we once went when it was VERY windy, and one of mine can get travel sick, so we stopped and bought kids 'kwells' (and adult ones) and they were fine, not seasick, despite very rough crossing.

So if they are seasick, use travel sick tablets.

You repeating uk holiday isn't compromise you know. If you just wanted us to suggest holidays in Scotland then you should gave skipped the background. As it is, given 50% of your family want a sun holiday and 25% are flexible, you are in the minority! If they want sun and flying is really a no go, then it has to be a ferry or the tunnel. You have ruled out a lot of options by not flying, why not let your husband choose, the only condition being no flights, and then live a little, trust him and take a chance, your fears and anxieties will be unfounded and it will free up a lot more options for you in future. The sun thing is ridiculous, just sit in the shade.

Just noticed someone up thread said it was rare to days of rain in uk.

last year we camped for 10 days in Cornwall, followed by 5 days at an outdoor centre.

It rained hard for 2 solid camping days and 2 of the centre days. It was cold the whole time except one day camping, and it was poor weather every other day. Just warm enough for the kids to brave the sea in wetsuits, but not nice sunny English weather at all. Real wash out.

Kids have since given me The Look when I have suggested Uk again instead of France, so back to France it is.

My DD is 14, and wants to go somewhere hot, and fly. She's not being hissy, she's heard about friends' holidays and would like to try something similar.

Why not take turns choosing where to go? Get DH (and DC) to plan a holiday abroad. They can fly, you can drive / train / bus / ferry. Give it a go. Try to enjoy it, and don't undermine anything. You might surprise yourself. If you hate it - at least you tried. The next holiday you (and DC) plan a holiday in the UK.

If you aren't prepared to compromise, have separate holidays. And try looking for ways to do things, rather than excuses as to why you can't.

Channel Islands? There's a fast ferry that's fully stabilised, and in summer the sea's usually calm.

Not sure if anyone has suggested a cruise yet?
OP, I hate the heat (have red hair and fair skin). It's uncomfortable and gives me headaches.
We went on a cruise to Noway last year and if was amazing. (I also usually suffer sea sickness but the ship is so big I just felt a little off-balance for the first day and that was it). It's a lovely way to see new places, have relaxed days and interesting busy days, and you can pick the destination so it doesn't need to be somewhere hot.

IMO, I don't think a UK holiday is a compromise because you're DH isn't getting anything he wants. And I would Definately suggest to him that he takes the dc somewhere on a plane on his own, just so they experience flying and know they don't need to be afraid (my dad was terrified of flying and it made me afraid until my mum took us on a plane herself).

It's also possible to have very enjoyable European holidays at Easter, when temperatures are a bit lower, but there's plenty of sunshine.

My daughter at 10 wanted to have the sort of holidays that her friends went on - Mediterranean ones. We didn't want a hotel and pool deal, but thought what she was asking for was reasonable. We rented a villa in an out of the way part of Corfu and all had a lovely time.

Thing is, you'll only accept what you want - you won't compromise. So its UK or nothing and I'm afraid I find that really unreasonable.

Fear of flying? There are courses to combat that. What will you do if your DD goes to live in Australia? This phobia of yours (which I'm not belittling btw), is ruling your family's holiday choices. Rather than refusing to tackle it, as you currently are, I think you need to look at ways to deal with it.

As for migrants trying to get into your car near the Eurotunnel - I've been back and forth to France many times on the Eurotunnel and never experienced that and if you're in a car with four people where on earth would a migrant hide? Your fears on that front don't make sense. You could also take a passenger train that doesn't stop in the Calais area, if you're really that worried. However, Italy, Southern France, etc, will be hot in the summer. The Alps would be lovely though and not too hot, so Switzerland could be a good option. As could Belgium or Holland (easily accessible either by Eurotunnel with your car, or by Eurostar to Brussels and then onwards using just the train).

As for holidays in the UK - I'm with your DH on that one. Yes, they can be lovely, but they can also be a wash-out whenever you go and sitting staring at the pouring rain is a shit way to spend a holiday IMO.

I don't really think holidays are for you.

I want a "like" button on MN just for your post ISeemToHaveLost

Eurostar? is that the posh train? I went to switzerland by train for a conference. I wouldn't fly and my supervisor made faces, but i said i either go by train or i don't go. You can either pick up a hire car in Paris or get on a train. My supervisor ended up coming with me because once they had taken into account time spent at the airports and transfers it was not only cheaper but quicker by train. Its lovely on the train - you can get up and walk to the buffet car, play games on the table with the kids or just look out the window and watch the landscape change.

Your DH is being sooooooo unreasonable though, we only holiday in the UK due to finances and the fact i wont fly and i don't think i could face the eurotunnel either just now. We have had some fantastic holidays - i remember we went to Lesbos one year, quite some time ago, it rained all week!

You are getting a really hard time on here today OP

I can commiserate - DH doesn't fly either, and I absolutely loathe being hot so although we have driven through France and Spain, we usually holiday in the UK. My idea of hell would be a lying in the sun round the pool one.

I personally love Cornwall (although when it rains, it REALLY rains there). The Roseland peninsula is nice, as is the area around Looe. Although Looe itself is not very upmarket, I am very fond of it, and it makes a great jumping-off point for the huge amount of days out in the area.

The Isle of Wight is fab too - like a proper old-fashioned holiday destination. Sandown is really sweet.

The New Forest is a good place for children, as well. Lots to see, pretty villages, and all that countryside to go mad in. And ponies! Plus, you are never too far from a car ride to the beach.

I would love to know which Centre Parcs you go to, where it's sunny - we go every year and it always tips down

I would say The Orient Express is a posh train, not the Eurostar

DH won't even consider walking in the rain with a goretex on

He sounds like a very sensible chap - in with him

I'm with him!

There is no one tugging door handles at the tunnel.

FFS.

I'm with you on the no fly thing - I haven't flown for over 20 years and I don't care that I'm missing out on some long distance places that I'd like to have seen - I just don't want to fly. Like you, it's not about the flying, it's about the dying. And as I knew several people that ended up dying in aircraft crashes (different people in different crashes, not just one family in one crash) for me personally, it's the form of transport that has been the most dangerous to the people that I know. And yes, I know that statistically (depending on the stats you use though) it's claimed to be the safest - but I'm an outlier for whom it isn't - and that makes me perfectly happy not to fly.

Anyway - I've still managed to have great holidays - albeit more of them were pre DC, who are still quite young so haven't got as far afield again.

Cruises are amazing. And big cruise ships are a very different prospect to even sailing on a big ferry, it has to be really quite stormy before you feel that you are on a ship to feel seasickness. If you're going from Southampton around to the Med then it can be that it's a bit rough going down the side of France/Spain - but this can be easily overcome by getting a train down to Barcelona/Cadiz, South of France or Gerona and picking the boat up in the Med. I've done this on several occasions - we used to do it and get to the port a day or two early to have time in the port and make sure that we were there to embark on the the day. It's a lovely relaxed way to travel. Going to the Baltic is also lovely and when I went it was lovely and warm rather than stinking hot - so that might be a good compromise if you don't like heat.

I've also done centre parcs abroad - we went to a Dutch one, got the ferry over to calais, drove for about an hour, stayed in Ypres for the night and then went on to the parc (Het Heijdebos) another 3 hours drive away the next day, same thing in reverse on the way home. The Netherlands is a lovely country - some amazing beaches, lots of interesting places to explore (I spent many happy holidays there when I was in my tweens and teens too). And even taking into account the longer drive, the ferry and overnights in Ypres, it was still cheaper for us to go to a Dutch CP than a UK one... I haven't been to a uk one but the dutch ones didn't have lots of branded restaurants on site, it was all their own ones, good food if you wanted it and the one we went to had a huge second dome with a massive jungle exploration thing - think of a jungle themed soft play that's aimed at adults as well, it had caves, streams, rock climbing, rope bridges, zip wires, loads of jungle plants (even tropical birds flying around!), a bit like the jungle set on the Crystal maze if you remember that, that all the family enjoyed exploring.

If you do decide to go on French / european trains, then I think the booking opens 3 months before you travel or 2 months for Eurostar (or maybe it's the other way around) - talk to a travel agent and find out, as booking early will often net you the cheapest seats. We've used Railbookers who are a travel agency that specialise in rail travel - looking at their site would give you an idea of the prices and places easy to get to. Also look at the seat61.com website - written by an ex rail employee who loved travelling on Eurostar and exploring Europe (favourite seat was 61!) - it's been going well over 10 years and it's now a fabulous resource about how to travel by rail all over the world.

Having said all that I can see where your dh is coming from - for you, a holiday in the UK is fine because that's what you were used to and enjoyed so why do anything different. For him, if he had miserable times in the UK and/or was used to going to somewhere warm then it means that each year that you go somewhere in the UK you are reliving your happy childhood memory so to speak - while he doesn't ever get a turn.

In the name of fairness it probably is reasonable to let him choose somewhere other than the UK for a holiday every other year... Even if it is within the no fly and not too hot limitations. If you're in E Anglia could you get to Harwich easily and get a ferry over to Holland and then stay there or go further to Denmark, Finalnd, Estonia, etc. Could sea sickness bands and tablets help out if you know it's not going to be for too long? You'd end up in a lovely country with lots of places to explore and things to do with weather that's similar to ours but they usually seem to be just a smidge warmer and have better luck at staying nicer weather so your dh would get some warmth and you wouldn't be too hot...

"'But to me a UK holiday is not a compromise'"

Not to you because you get your own way.

"And as I knew several people that ended up dying in aircraft crashes (different people in different crashes, not just one family in one crash)"

I think that most people wouldn't know that many people who have died in a plane crash. I know precisely one. I know more people who have died in road traffic accidents or drowning.

Thanks everybody.
I'm with you RiverTam on nice holidays in the UK.
Forgot to say, we do actually go away for the week of Christmas every year to Center Parcs so have to think as well about cost of what we do in the summer.

Fierywill can I ask what similar problems you have?

Think I will rethink the tunnel ting then.....although was just on the phone to a friend who said her dad and uncle got caught up on way back with refugees surrounding their car....they were pretty freaked out by it, which is why I was thinking if it happened, the kids would be a bit scared.

Ok, so I'm now thinking as long we solve the tunnel thing, a campsite in the south west of France might be good. The kids love anything water chutes and pools and there would be loads to do.

I know I sound a wimp but until this year, we've compromised ok and had nice holidays.

Interesting points.
The person who doesn't fly said about people she knows in plane crashes, not me.

I think a fear of flying course wouldn't he,o me at all. I know the stats, I know about turbulence, I know what the engine noises are and I know the most likely things that go wrong and all of that......however, if someone puts a b**b on the plane, or its remotely 'disappeared' etc, then I've got no chance. Knowing I'm going to die isn't what I'm prepared to risk...no having absolutely no control isn't an option for me. That's why I rarely travel by train either but that's another story .

So I think that I can overcome my fear of having the car ripped open by refugees, then I'm good to go to France......south of the Dordogne or DH won't go as it could rain!!!

Scrappy we go to them all.....but DH is fine with it because dome means "it's the British holiday the weather can't spoil"

You can take the Eurostar right down into the South of France now. Might be a bit hot during the summer holidays though.

Biarritz coast is Atlantic facing so should be a bit cooler while being a bit more weather sure than Brittany for example.

You could take the ferry from Harwich to Holland and drive to Sweden. They supposedly have beautiful summers as do Germany and Estonia.

We went to the heart of South of France in July two summers ago, it pissed with rain and was totally freezing for two weeks. Nothing is guaranteed.