Partner losing patience at our baby

[Roundrobin3]

I'm looking for some outside perspective as there has now been two incidents within a week where my partner has lost his patience with our 3 month old baby, shouting and swearing because they wouldn't settle during the night.

First night: Baby had slept well and woken around 3am for a bottle. She was then wide awake and wouldn't settle. My partner thought she wanted more milk, made another bottle, but she wouldn't take it and ended up being sick all over herself and him. I could hear him getting frustrated, saying things like, "You want food, I've made food, so you'll drink it." I went in to check whether he needed help, but he said no.I went back to bed, only to hear him shouting, "GO TO FUCKING SLEEP, I'VE HAD ENOUGH NOW." I immediately got up and said I needed to take over because shouting and swearing wasn't acceptable or going to help her sleep. He claimed i was checking up on him and wouldn't let me take over.

Second time: He was on baby duty again, and I'd gone to sleep in the other bedroom, across the hallway. I was woken by him shouting around 4am, something along the lines of, "You want to play then? Fine its playtime. Go on and play."
I then heard the baby cry with a really distressed sob. His shouting was so loud it woke me through two closed doors from the other side of the house, as after i got up i realised he was actually downstairs in the living room with her rather than in the bedroom. She was crying before he shouted but I hadnt heard her as I was asleep. He clearly just got so tired and wanted to get some sleep that he lost his patience and shouted at her. But loud enough to wake me up and be heard from downstairs! He said she had been up every half hour or so since midnight so he hadnt slept but again wouldn't swap with me or let me help claiming he didn't need or want help.
This is now the second time in a week.
He's admitted he lost his patience and shouldn't have done it but I'm not sure what i can do to help this situation. Take over all the night shifts and let him sleep in the spare room? He's not been at work this week and no plans during the day so could catch up on sleep then but has been a martyr and won't. My friend that I spoke to said babies cry that's life and he didn't really do anything wrong. Am I overreacting? Shouting and swearing now doesnt fill me with confidence to trust him, i do nights he is at work and whilst may be tired have never snapped, shouted or sworn at the baby.
I am not into gentle parenting and can't guarantee that I wont shout at her when shes older and in trouble but right now shes just an innocent baby.

Update before I got chance to post this:
Last night I said I would do the night shift with baby and posed it as want partner to get a good night's sleep before returning to work. He wouldn't have it and argued he wanted to do it. So we ended up both basically running to her every time she stirred. Me because I didn't want him to deal with her and get tired/lose his patience and him because he thinks I'm stopping him from looking after his own child and he wants to look after her. So now today we are both tired and neither of us refreshed.

I would be very concerned about this man's behaviour towards his tiny baby. Has he made you feel unsafe, Op? Have you discussed this with your GP or health visitor?

This is worrying, I definitely wouldn’t be letting him be alone with baby. She’s 3 months old. It’s even more worrying that he won’t accept help.

It's really really not ok to scream at a baby in the night. I get hes frustrated but she isn't being naughty shes doing what babies do. You need to get a grip on it before it gets worse.

This is horrifying, the baby is at risk from that man, can you ask social services for help? Tell everyone-GP, health visitor, your relatives- that the man is aggressive to the baby.
Cortisol will be flooding the child's brain.

This would be a massive red flag for me.

Your baby is tiny and not responsible for her behaviour in any way at all.

Your partne, on the other hand, is a grown adult and seems to be unable to control his temper. Even towards a tiny baby.

You need to protect your baby and leave him. This is a tiny baby we are talking about, listen to your instincts here.

I’ll be straight with you.
this is abuse.
of a 3 month old child.
a new baby is very hard work, but shouting and swearing at any child is abuse, no matter how old.
this child is extremely vulnerable and at risk from him. You have no idea if his frustration will tip into him shaking her.

id tell him to leave.

Gentle parenting is irrelevant here, the baby is 3 months old. Its needs are 24/7, not waking hours.

you need to tell him to leave and I wouldn’t be letting him have any unsupervised contact with baby right now.

what’s your living arrangements? His house or yours? Rented/mortgaged?

how long have you been together and are you married?

are there other cconcerning behaviours in the relationship? Was baby planned and wanted?

This.

you might think your baby doesn’t know what shouting and swearing is or they won’t remember.

their brains and bodies REMEMBER.

it’s trauma and it cannot continue.

I’d be really worried this is a situation that could end in shaken baby syndrome op 😞 I don’t think I could forgive it and if he’s like this now whilst she’s a baby, what on earth is he going to be like through the toddler years. I genuinely couldn’t leave him with her unsupervised and I’d rather be a single mum

We own the house together with a mortgage and not married. Been together 5 years and baby was very much wanted and planned. I dont believe he would ever be physical or anything. He's lost his patience with me before but never anything more than shouting and saying horrible things. And honestly I give as good as I get too, I admit that I am no angel and have shouted at him too and on occasion pushed him in retaliation. So he could turn around abd say he doesnt trust me with her but interactions with an adult are very different to a tiny baby. We are usually good together, bar a rough patch 3 years ago so never mentioned to health visitor etc as had no concerns up to now.

Yes i have told him this. He says she doesnt understand but I think she will sense the negativity and my argument is if she doesn't understand then why say it at all.

My partner thought she wanted more milk, made another bottle, but she wouldn't take it and ended up being sick all over herself and him. I could hear him getting frustrated, saying things like, "You want food, I've made food, so you'll drink it." I went in to check whether he needed help, but he said no.I went back to bed, only to hear him shouting, "GO TO FUCKING SLEEP, I'VE HAD ENOUGH NOW."

If I am reading this correctly, he tried to force her to drink milk that she didn’t want to take and so she was sick? That is physical abuse.

There is no reasoning with a child abuser, that's what your boyfriend is.
You need to contact as many agencies as humanly possible to protect your child's life and prevent the man being allowed to access the child alone.
Trauma damages brain and body, and who's to say he won't attack her?

Beg for help, from every possible avenue, to get your child away from the abuser.

Please don't leave him alone with your baby. This is genuinely frightening. He shouldn't be losing his temper and shouting at a tiny baby. At 3 months, your baby's only way of communicating distress and discomfort is by crying. It's not naughty or wrong, it's communication. If he has no patience with your baby now, it's only going to get worse. I would leave.

Okay, you need to have a serious conversation at a time when you are both calm.

It's understandable getting frustrated with a baby who won't sleep in the middle of the night. There were times when I felt at my limit with mine.

Where your partner crosses the line is his reluctance to remove himself from the situation and allow you to take over, or just leave the baby to cry for 10 minutes while calms down. He needs to recognise and admit when he is struggling and walk away.

His response to the conversation will tell you a lot, if he is able to reflect and accept he needs to change then you can plan what will happen next time he is overwhelmed e.g. he leaves the room and allows you to take over.

If he continues to insist on carrying on as he is now then you have a big problem and that's when I would consider whether he can be safely left with the baby.

With respect op, I think most of the parents of babies who have died from shaken baby syndrome would have thought their partners would never do anything physical like that and yet they live with the regret. Your baby is the most precious thing in the world and he’s currently showing you major red flags. Why would you risk it? I don’t want to sound mean but realistic. If you replaced baby or daughter with someone talking about a partner, you’d classify it as abuse. This is the same

He is very much in the wrong here but I don't think this means he is going to be an abusive parent. It does however mean that he cannot cope with the baby. You need to talk to him very very firmly and say that he needs to keep his calm and you split the night feeds and if he doesn't cooperate you will be asking him to move out until he can act like an adult. Alternatively you do all the nights and he takes over for a few hours during the day so you rest and takes leave off work to do this. Or he pays for a night nurse. Either way I think you need to tell him that he cannot be trusted for now to settle the baby alone. You are definitely not over reacting OP. However I wouldn't lose hope, it is a massive upheaval for new parents and mothers are filled with maternal hormones that keep them from feeling anger. That said most mothers with a difficult baby have reached breaking point. They have sobbed and cried and wailed and often phoned a partner or family member to help them. I've no doubt many have lost their temper and shouted at their baby but won't admit it. Your partner is at this breaking point so i think it's important to acknowledge this but also not to tolerate it. If he needs to go scream in a pillow or punch a punch bag or whatever that's fine but raising his voice at a baby is simply not acceptable. It's also remarkably stupid as the child obviously doesn't understand and is less likely to settle.

Whatever it is right now OP- his behaviour is not safe for the baby. He might be a good guy who is just used to things going his way and being able to logic things out and just needs to learn patience and acceptance, he might be battling postnatal depression (men do get it), or someone who’s been working overtime on his emotional control in normal times and is now losing it or something worse…at this point that part doesn’t matter - he’s clearly overwhelmed and baby is not safe with him alone.
If you have no other cause for concern, I’d give him a chance, take over all nights for now; let him do evenings while you rest and charge up for the nights. Separate where you sleep so one of you is in the same room as the baby while the other one has truly undisturbed sleep (or naps for you for now). Try and build up his tolerance, help him learn to settle her better (if he’s stressed she will not settle or it will be serious uphill battle) - honestly learning some mindfulness skills can help so he can relax bis body while holding her while she’s crying. He can take care of her during the day, be the dad then - but if he loses it for his pride than in worst case scenario you have a tragedy you won’t recover from. I reckon he might just be a guy that needs a hug and for you to say that you understand and that it’s all really hard for you too (while taking over nights for now).
However, if he’s volatile or controlling with you; or snappy with the baby in other situations I’d be seriously considering getting support and even leaving.

This is horrific and shouldn’t happen

This is absolutely unacceptable and he is a risk to your baby. These are exactly the kinds of people who snap and harm a baby. This is not at all normal even in the very sleep deprived early months. I would not be allowing him to be around baby unsupervised at all. He needs to get help for his issues.

I’d frankly be looking to end the relationship if this is more than a one off. This is a relatively easy time as a parent. When they are a few months old, they are pretty easy and their needs are simple. Their needs are not as simple at 3 or at 12. This will only get more abusive as parenting gets harder.

Having a unsettled baby when tired is hard and frustrating. We are all only human . However he needs to realize when he feels likethianto walk away or seek your help . You know him best op . I'm not going to jump tonthe conclusion he's a child abuser . I do think you need to have a proper conversation tho and seek professional advice from health visitor etc .

Your minimising his behaviour
She is 12 weeks old he needs to NEVER EVER shout or scream or be rough what a cunt !
And when I read about dad's killing newborns I always think who the fuck wud hurt a baby !
Now I know a partner like yours who loses there temper and patience
Not sorry

My friend that I spoke to said babies cry that's life and he didn't really do anything wrong

Your friend is talking nonsense. Of course babies cry, of course at times it's really difficult to deal with when you're desperate for sleep yourself, but shouting and swearing is absolutely not the way to deal with it - they're perfectly capable of picking up that that represents a threat to them and being terrified by it. If he can't learn to put the baby down somewhere safe and take himself out for a few minutes to calm down, he needs to do that immediately.

He also needs to learn, once he goes back to work, that leaving you to cover more of the night wakings is just common sense as you both need him to sleep enough and keep his job,

From what you say, it seems your partner wanted a baby. Did he think he was going to get a silent one? Babies cry, it's their job description. He needs to get real or get out.

He'd be gone quicker than a biting dog. You need to be very very careful and responsible here. This is incredibly dangerous.