Partner losing patience at our baby

[Roundrobin3]

I'm looking for some outside perspective as there has now been two incidents within a week where my partner has lost his patience with our 3 month old baby, shouting and swearing because they wouldn't settle during the night.

First night: Baby had slept well and woken around 3am for a bottle. She was then wide awake and wouldn't settle. My partner thought she wanted more milk, made another bottle, but she wouldn't take it and ended up being sick all over herself and him. I could hear him getting frustrated, saying things like, "You want food, I've made food, so you'll drink it." I went in to check whether he needed help, but he said no.I went back to bed, only to hear him shouting, "GO TO FUCKING SLEEP, I'VE HAD ENOUGH NOW." I immediately got up and said I needed to take over because shouting and swearing wasn't acceptable or going to help her sleep. He claimed i was checking up on him and wouldn't let me take over.

Second time: He was on baby duty again, and I'd gone to sleep in the other bedroom, across the hallway. I was woken by him shouting around 4am, something along the lines of, "You want to play then? Fine its playtime. Go on and play."
I then heard the baby cry with a really distressed sob. His shouting was so loud it woke me through two closed doors from the other side of the house, as after i got up i realised he was actually downstairs in the living room with her rather than in the bedroom. She was crying before he shouted but I hadnt heard her as I was asleep. He clearly just got so tired and wanted to get some sleep that he lost his patience and shouted at her. But loud enough to wake me up and be heard from downstairs! He said she had been up every half hour or so since midnight so he hadnt slept but again wouldn't swap with me or let me help claiming he didn't need or want help.
This is now the second time in a week.
He's admitted he lost his patience and shouldn't have done it but I'm not sure what i can do to help this situation. Take over all the night shifts and let him sleep in the spare room? He's not been at work this week and no plans during the day so could catch up on sleep then but has been a martyr and won't. My friend that I spoke to said babies cry that's life and he didn't really do anything wrong. Am I overreacting? Shouting and swearing now doesnt fill me with confidence to trust him, i do nights he is at work and whilst may be tired have never snapped, shouted or sworn at the baby.
I am not into gentle parenting and can't guarantee that I wont shout at her when shes older and in trouble but right now shes just an innocent baby.

Update before I got chance to post this:
Last night I said I would do the night shift with baby and posed it as want partner to get a good night's sleep before returning to work. He wouldn't have it and argued he wanted to do it. So we ended up both basically running to her every time she stirred. Me because I didn't want him to deal with her and get tired/lose his patience and him because he thinks I'm stopping him from looking after his own child and he wants to look after her. So now today we are both tired and neither of us refreshed.

Um you definitely can’t know ‘he won’t be physical’.

It might not be slamming or extreme aggression, it could start as smaller things like shaking in frustration that intensifies. Or other ways of harming like squeezing that don’t leave a physical injury but are still harmful.

The fact that you rush to the room and insist on taking over shows you’re worried about his behaviour.

if he's impulsive and irritated enough to swear and shout, you’re in denial to think nothing physical could happen.

The refusal to et you take over is also concerning and is likely to lead to increased pressure and frustration.

I don’t think you know he would never be physical. Until he does.

are you on mat leave? I would do all night wakings? I had to because my husband was also shite. I don’t think it’s right or fair but needs must. My husband was better once they were 18 months plus and I just did it all before then for all 3 babies

You need to protect your baby, this is a major red flag. Do not allow him to dictate or control the situation. He no longer does night time . We all get tired but screaming at a baby is worrying. He can't be trusted and could possibly hurt her. Your baby feels his frustration so be agitated. Protect your baby at all costs dont allow him to treat her like this.

Get planning on how to leave him

Huge safeguarding risk here. HUGE.

Soon this baby will understand what's being said, and trust me, toddlers are a hell of a lot harder to cope with than babies! He will not be able to cope and then who knows what might go wrong.

It's clearly upsetting you too OP and you don't need the stress when you're in a vulnerable position too.

You need to speak to someone about this and get some help. The sooner the better. It may be that he can take on some anger management classes because he can't go on doing this. If he's not up for that I'd be even more concerned.

I shouted at my baby once in the middle of the night. I was so exhausted and they wouldn’t stop crying, for hours on end. I was horrified at myself. My husband took over and the following night he stayed up all night with the baby (who cried a lot, he was not an easy baby) so that I could get a full night of sleep. I was so so grateful to him. My concern isn’t so much the shouting, it’s the fact he can’t accept he was at breaking point and needed help. The force feeding is absolutely unacceptable though.

If he fails to realise this in the cold light of day then I would ask him to leave. If he accepts he needs help then I would ask the HV to come and have a chat with you both, and see what support they can offer.

He has already “gotten physical” because he forced her to take more milk than she wanted/needed snd she had to spit it back out. He physically blocked you from taking over. His behavior is impulsive, angry, controlling, overbearing, and highly misattuned to what she needs. It is already dangerous to the baby.

In the morning speak to health visitor/others snd read him the riot act. He can nit be keft alone with her until he gas taken and understood a course in baby care.

Speak to your health visitor.

He’s abusing your baby. I know what I would do.

This. Although his behaviour is abusive, I am not going to jump straight to 'ABUSER' like some posters have because looking after a small baby can push you to the limits in terms of what you can cope with. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture/abuse in itself, although of course not in the context of a baby or small child causing it because they have no intention or malice, but the physical effects are still there.

But...and this is a big but... he needs to be able to recognise when he is at his limit and walk away. He needs to be willing to let you step in when he's at his limit and can't care for his child safely and lovingly. If he can't do this, he is a danger to the baby. Amidst all the abusive fathers who have been responsible for the deaths of their children, I'm sure there are some who did genuinely love their children but simply lost control in the midst of their anger and tiredness. And that should terrify him.

This is the scariest post I’ve read. Please, please don’t let him harm your baby again. You will never, ever forgive yourself if you don’t stop him. Force feeding and shouting like that at a baby is beyond disturbing, it’s truly frightening. Protect her.

1. don't get pregnant again
2. get evidence, speak to health visitor, they'll report to children's social services, you'll need their support to make sure the father won't have any unsupervised contact with the child
3. leave

It's truly spine chilling, I hope OP advocates for her child and that this man doesn't become a headline.
Sit down chats or even hugging the man as previous posters have suggested aren't going to keep this child safe. He's already physical.
I'm out.

He's already physically abused your baby by force feeding until she vomited.

Tell your health visitor and he needs to leave. He's a serious risk to your child. I'd report this, and the relationship would be over.

He's lost his patience with me before but never anything more than shouting and saying horrible things. And honestly I give as good as I get too, I admit that I am no angel and have shouted at him too and on occasion pushed him in retaliation
Your relationship sounds toxic. When your daughter is older she will be very aware of the dynamic between you. You shout and say horrible things to each other and you push him.

I’ve been in this situation myself and I agree with the above.

Much like your partner, OP, mine was in denial. It was like gambling. He kept on wanting to try again with baby even when it wasn’t working. He refused to accept help and he minimised his behaviour. If I stepped in I was accusing him or implying he's incompetent.

His family also coddled and enabled him, telling him it’s normal. The only difference with us is our baby wasn't even difficult, he co-slept all night.

In the end he did self-refer to a helpline and social services were involved.

Their handling was poor, but equally we could have had a worse outcome if we carried on in tat loop. Neither one of us could have lived with ourselves if something terrible happened.

It’s not safe, and if he can’t recognise this, you do need to involve externe services. My son’s is in a much better position to care for his son now.

Your partner’s behaviour risks escalating if it carries on unchecked between the two of you.

Jesus this man is a knob. It’s all about him isn’t it. And 3 months old- it gets an awful lot more stressful than this. I’d worry about splitting though because then he’d have unsupervised visits and god knows how he’d treat her then.

"I've pushed him in retaliation". Retaliation for what?
'Bad patch 3 years ago'
I think there's more to this OP but him refusing to respond to your concern and doing this in your hearing is emotional abusive of you as well as the child. What will it be like when she is two, three and ' not co operating' ? His expectations are already unrealistic.
And what is your aversion to gentle parenting- what do you think this is exactly? Pushing children into stages they can't manage, is not any kind of parenting.

Babies are hard work, they are exhausting and can push us to out limits. But this man is physically and emotionally abusive, he hasn't lost his cool in a one off incident, he is actively doing and saying horrible things to a tiny baby. I shudder to think what he will be like with a toddler if the OP lets him stay around that long.

Obviously your baby doesn't understand the actual words, but she will be distressed and frightened by him shouting. Babies understand aggression and react with fear/shock when they're shouted at like that.

If he was just muttering, 'Jesus Christ, will you just go to fucking sleep' under his breath, I wouldn't worry - she wouldn't understand those words and I think many a sleep deprived parent has said things like that quietly when dealing with a screaming baby. I also think many a sleep deprived parent has put their screaming child and walked out of the room to calm down because they know they're on the verge of losing their temper and they want to take a few deep breaths.

But your partner is actually losing his temper very loudly and aggressively AT a tiny baby and doesn't seem to understand how dangerous that is. You've heard her screaming in distress because of it.

You don't think he'd physically hurt her? Yeah, you know what? People whose partners shake their baby to death never think their partner would hurt a child either.

He's lost his patience with me before but never anything more than shouting and saying horrible things. And honestly I give as good as I get too, I admit that I am no angel and have shouted at him too and on occasion pushed him in retaliation. So he could turn around abd say he doesnt trust me with her but interactions with an adult are very different to a tiny baby. We are usually good together, bar a rough patch 3 years ago

A couple who behave like that to one another are a) not 'usually good together' at all, and b) shouldn't be having a baby together.

I wouldn't leave him alone with the baby . He sounds awful.
Obviously she was sick forcing to much milk at such a young age in the hopes she sleeps more is just neglect.

You both need to do better. You need to put her above him and his feeling . And he needs to get anger management and stop being selfish and impatient.

He sounds dangerous. Protect your baby before something awful happens.

Absolutely unacceptable. Of course everyone gets frustrated. In that situation you make sure baby is safe and you walk away for a break to calm down. I've done it many times. I would not be able to trust him alone with the baby. You need to talk to him at a good time, eg not the middle of the night, and suggest that if he is getting frustrated he needs to walk away to calm down and/or get you.

Your post made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

Only an ignorant mother & father would create a dynamic like yours.You are putting up with his behavior hoping for the best until something tragic happens.

Your man is despicable. He’s a vile bully.

Please do whatever you can to protect your darling baby. She is totally defenseless. I’m so afraid you will be back here sooner or later asking for advice about how to stop him shaking or manhandling her. I’m so frightened for her. Poor little thing. So tiny, so vulnerable.

Please take advice from the posts on here and take your worries to an external 3rd party for help.