How do I get over how I don’t like my MIL?

[Switchyyy]

DH and I have been together for 20 years. I have never liked his mother. For good reason - she said racist things to me early on in our relationship (I am not white and he is) and also made snide comments about me being northern and that being undesirable. And also a never ending slew of passive aggressive comments.

Anyway since our children were born, and after DH told her to stop, she stopped making these comments.

But I can’t make myself like her. She managed to manipulate DH (us) to moving near her and I have never liked it in this area. But it’s been four years now and I’m resigning myself to it.

DH lost his job in June and he asked his mother for help. She is incredibly wealthy and did help him. Now it’s like she owns us, she comes in whenever she likes. I just… don’t like her.

I want to get over it. How do I get over it? We do need her help until DH gets another job because my salary isn’t enough to cover all our life expenses. And I really appreciate that she isn’t making us feel bad about the help she’s giving.

She has been away for a month and is back and already popped over unannounced. Just walks in and talks at us for a couple of hours.

How do I get over this? She’s my husband’s mother, I have a son, I don’t want to be a cliche and she is helping us financially. I hate being beholden to someone I don’t like, but I don’t have any choice here.

i know I’m the unreasonable one. I just don’t quite know how to stop disliking her.

I don’t show it, by the way. I am always very nice. Despite how awful she was to me for YEARS.

You don’t have to like her. You do have to tolerate her until your dh gets another job. I’d try to avoid seeing where possible

My MIL was incredibly rude to me early on in our relationship. My DH draws a line with her and doesn’t expect me to want more than a basic relationship with her — we show up at important occasions but that’s it. It’s your DH’s responsibility to manage this situation and create boundaries. Helping you out financially should not mean she gets to do what she wants. You have every reason not to like her, she sounds awful.

Just limit your interaction with her and find yourself busy doing something elsewhere in the house when she comes round. Not much more u can do if she is supporting you all financially and your accepting her money.

Or dont accept the help and tell her how you really feel?? Probably not an option tbh!

No point getting upset about it, you have ur husband been together 2 decades and your child which is more than some people. I had a boyfriend in university for 2 yrs (20 years ago) his mother was white (he was mixed race) im black but extremely fair. His mother hated me used to misinterpret things i had said at his family gatherings to purposefully make me come across rude etc (i was the only black person at these events so felt a bit awkward at times anyway but i was necer rude i just wanted to be liked by his family as i really loved him) .. he told me she knew he was serious about me but wanted grandchildren who resembled her more which to me sounded mental because her son was already half black. Anyway we broke up in the end. It was quite hurtful as I felt I wasnt good enough at the time.

Like I said you have your family so focus on them and getting out of the situation. Treat his mother in your mind like an annoying wasp.. it'll fly away at some point but shes not important. Also share how you feel with your husband its important he knows and can support you on this.

You’re right. I try being out when she comes over, but because she just appears at the door, it’s not always possible. Sometimes I hide upstairs and pretend I’m not there!

Tonight she was talking about a family holiday. I told DH I don’t want to go, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t have a good relationship with his mother when he was growing up but they are doing better now. I often bite my tongue when it comes to her these days!

She has stopped being openly racist and anti-northern but I can’t forgive it!

I think life would be better (for me) if we didn’t live so close by. And also if we didn’t need her help at the moment!

I encourage DH to spend time with her though.

How does DH feel about the move? Would you ultimately be happier with a long term plan (once DH has another job, paid back MIL and built up your savings) to move further away?

Sometimes just having that discussion can help you feel that this is not going to last forever, and could help you bare it.

Just seen your point about DH and the family holiday. I'd put my foot down - you can't afford your living costs - you cannot afford a family holiday, even if MIL covered a large portion.

Oh god that’s awful! I’m sorry she said that to you.

I also got a similar comment “I wonder what the baby is going to come out looking like” with some significant and worried looks. The baby, I am proud to say (though is not a baby anymore!) looks like me!

He has agreed it hasn’t been good for me to live here and that we should move. We’re just stuck now because of money.

She would pay for the entire holiday, but that would make me feel a bit embarrassed anyway and besides, I don’t want to go!

Eeek totally know how you feel! You don’t have to like her. I feel the same towards mine. She’s now overly ‘nice’ to me since I’ve had a son but she told me on my wedding day she wished my husband married someone else (who was also at the wedding) so despite how nice to me she is I can never quite get over that.

I just tolerate her as she’s my husbands Mum and he turned out into a decent young man, I guess partly thanks to her. But we live 6 hours away so it’s easy for me to keep my distance

Can your DH invite her over when you are at work?

Why do these bloody women do this? Control: Don't they realise that the way to to make sure their adult DC have a good life is to appreciate the SIL/DIL.

Honestly looking back it really did affect my confidence! Yes snide comments about complexion etc are horrible and very unnecessary especially when its about an unborn child. I hope ur situation improves just block his mother out of your mind as best you can shes not worth it x

Of course you can’t! Just because she doesn’t say these things doesn’t mean she’s not thinking them.

I agree that the main issue is you live so close. I’d be contemplating whether a move away was possible eventually.

I also encourage my DH to maintain a connection with his mother. Interestingly, as my DC have gotten older they are very resistant to spending time with her. I think they very much feel her judginess and lack of interest in them as people.

You don’t have to like her. You only know her because of the accident of who you married. But no one had you at gunpoint to move to a different part of the country, surely?

It doesn’t sound like she ever needs an invitation.
As for the holiday with her, would you feel able to tell your DH to go with the DC, and leave you behind. I don’t know whether you would be able to tolerate the idea but it occurs to me it would give you a significant break from her.
But if you hate the idea, it’s obviously a non-starter.

He who pays the piper calls the tune, I’m afraid. For as long as she’s supporting you financially, you will be up against “well I’ll take my money with me in that case”. Once you’re back up your feet financially, and having been appropriately grateful for her help during the time you receive it, you’ll be able to work with your DH to live a life that works for you both. Until then, you’ll just have to suck it up. Try to see the best in her, it’s good she doesn’t lord the money over you. And, perhaps she’s evolved wrt her racist views (it’s possible, I guess?)? You don’t have to like her, you just have to live with her in your life. She’s allowed to pop over to visit her son and grandson, if you’re home: your DH isn’t working, he can sit with her while you say hi then get on with your life.

Having experienced being financially beholden to someone I hate I would advise you to consider making any life style adjustments you can so you don’t have to take money for her.

I’ve been dirt poor and I’ve also been under someone’s thumb financially and I’ll take dirt poor any day. It may not be possible to escape her financial help totally, but maybe you can get yourself into a situation where you could hit the ground running when DH gets a new job? Also, I would be planning to move away. Tell DH you’ve done your time and you want to be free of this asap, so once he gets a new job it’s straight to planning the move.

It seems wrong to use someone you dislike to that extent because you need money. By going to his mother, you have given her the upper hand. You can’t expect to keep your pride in that situation.

She may well refuse to give any more to you at any point. I’m sure she is vile but you clearly need her help so either stop taking from her or at least be grateful, even if you hate her,!

That is as good of an excuse as any for not going on holiday. Kill with kindness.

"MIL, you have been incredibly generous helping us while DH is looking for work. We are so grateful, but your offer to pay for our family holiday is too much on top of everything you are already doing for our family. As our situation is uncertain whilst DH is looking for work, we couldn't fully enjoy a break anyway. We would love to treat you, if you fancy coming to ours on Saturday for a dinner to say thanks."

Okay, DH has to make his mum a nice meal and you have to tolerate an evening with MIL. But at least you aren't roped into a holiday together.

It's obviously awful to have things said about your race/accent. I have a friend who experienced similar but in her case, she is white, but her child is dual heritage as her ex is Indian, and her family had some racist people in it (she is not racist and has never been anything but loving to me and my family), but when her daughter was born, they did change. No, it shouldn't take having a child who isn't white born into the family to change them, but the point is, they have changed, and if they're now decent to her, she feels it's worth having them in her life.

Like you say, you don't want the old MIL/DIL stereotype, so just focus on trying to be as happy as you can with her, and value what she does bring.

She's putting food on your table and keeping a roof over your head so unfortunately you're probably stuck with it for now.

Can you encourage DH to look for jobs a few/several 100 miles away? And lock your door in the meantime. Presume you and DH don't just waltz into her house unannounced she shouldn't be doing that to you.

You have had to swallow your pride so much that I would take the opportunity to hold onto my pride and say “thanks but no” re the holiday.

Remind dh that if she does go anyway, you staying home while she’s away is holiday enough for you.

Would it help to change your internal language? Stop beating yourself up about trying to like her. Of course you don’t like her. She was mean to you. Don’t feel bad about not liking her.
You do have to tolerate her. Much like you have to tolerate a cleaning at the dentist or scrubbing the toilets.
If you focus on what helps you tolerate her visits (while thoroughly recognising they are a chore and never going to be anything else) you might feel better.

Urgh what an awful thing to say to you on your wedding day!!

No, for sure. She was very heavy handed in persuading DH - a lot of tears, a lot of “I’ve got no one” etc. And I relented because the schools are good, it’s a nice place, so agreed we’d give it ago.

We both accept it was a mistake! But it’s a nice place for children to grow up.