How do I get over how I don’t like my MIL?

[Switchyyy]

DH and I have been together for 20 years. I have never liked his mother. For good reason - she said racist things to me early on in our relationship (I am not white and he is) and also made snide comments about me being northern and that being undesirable. And also a never ending slew of passive aggressive comments.

Anyway since our children were born, and after DH told her to stop, she stopped making these comments.

But I can’t make myself like her. She managed to manipulate DH (us) to moving near her and I have never liked it in this area. But it’s been four years now and I’m resigning myself to it.

DH lost his job in June and he asked his mother for help. She is incredibly wealthy and did help him. Now it’s like she owns us, she comes in whenever she likes. I just… don’t like her.

I want to get over it. How do I get over it? We do need her help until DH gets another job because my salary isn’t enough to cover all our life expenses. And I really appreciate that she isn’t making us feel bad about the help she’s giving.

She has been away for a month and is back and already popped over unannounced. Just walks in and talks at us for a couple of hours.

How do I get over this? She’s my husband’s mother, I have a son, I don’t want to be a cliche and she is helping us financially. I hate being beholden to someone I don’t like, but I don’t have any choice here.

i know I’m the unreasonable one. I just don’t quite know how to stop disliking her.

I don’t show it, by the way. I am always very nice. Despite how awful she was to me for YEARS.

Actually I’d be fine with that! I don’t know how to do it without appearing very rude though as there would be a lot of careful planning of which date might work best.

Ha this is a great idea!

She sounds awful...but I will say you sound pathetic here...we don't have a choice?! Of course you have a choice.. if you didn't have a wealthy mother in law, what would you do? You'd cope somehow

It’s temporary. Unfortunately you need her help. You can’t be rude or ignore someone who is helping you financially in that way. You should take steps to ensure that if something like this happens again you don’t need her help.

When DH gets a job push back.

Being northern is an identity not just an accent.

Being northern is an identity not just an accent.

Accepting her financial help muddies the waters though. she has been very kind to do this.

OP even concedes she isn’t making them feel bad about it.

Don’t accept her money then?

Find yourself jobs around the house and always look busy when she's there. DH can entertain his own mother.

I don’t have any advice unless you happen to be religious in which case I would pray for some kind of breakthrough. I feel very very sorry for you. You are clearly trying to be the better person but ohhhhh it sounds SO miserable.

I tolerated my MIL who was quite nasty to me for years . Just did the polite thing , never snapped back but also never engaged much . Treated her like just one more nasty person you come up against in life . I spent a lot of time with my own family while on maternity leave in a different country which I know pissed her off.

She also wanted us to go on family holiday with BIL family too . I said Thanks for asking but I don't really want to do that . She was so offended that she wouldn't go ahead with BIL 's family . My SIL was a bit annoyed at me as she would do anything for a free holiday . My DH struggled a lot and I know I was blamed for any rift . It definitely was a power struggle on her behalf but I didn't argue , just did my own thing as I could have cared less . Develop a thick skin OP . It's just petty stuff .

As ppl said, you don't have to like her but you will just have to put up with her because you both need her financial help.
Why did you move closer to her when you knew she didn't like you.
Think of the cash as a silver lining..
Many others have mil they don't like, but are getting no help from either.
To have somebody to help when things get tough is invaluable in my opinion.
It would be such a relief mentally

Does hubbby realize how dreadful a joint holiday would be? Does he agree with you on that?

I can’t stand my MIL. She was an absolute cow when we got together and has done many pass ag things over the years. She knows I don’t like her and doesn’t really know how to handle it. DC s have left home now so I am LC and only see her about three times a year. DH is now retired so he tends to go and see his parents on his own. It’s utter bloody bliss.

I'm not keen on mine either, but yours is helping you financially and you should be really grateful for that.

Been with DH 18 yrs. Married 12. MIL had a face like thunder entire wedding day. Has called me "podgy podgy podgy" proding my belly, elbowed me out of the kitchen (now I just leave her to it), tried to control other aspects of how I run my house (stood my ground with that one), tells DC that DGF is stupid and crazy. Just a deeply unhappy person. What helps is distance (they live in another country) we see them an average of 6-8 weeks a yrs and she gets her barbed comments in. Initially I tried to get along with her. Now I don't bother. I don't interact with her when she is here or we are there. I am busy when she makes her weekly video call for DH/DC. I chose my battles carefully but wont put up with BS. DH finds her just as infuriating. Perimenopause means I honestly don't give a shit.

OP, I hope your DH is able to find work soon so you can similarly create that much needed distance.

Lock your door and leave your key in it if she has a copy? Change your locks. Mix things up s bit snd go for family walks/go out before any time she’s likely to pop over?
Grey rock and ignore. Play a happy, tune in your head. Save every penny possible to help you move. Do NOT tell her until you’ve got somewhere to move to, that you’re moving 💐💐💐

My marriage improved significantly when husband and I made a deal that our primary family, us and our kids come first and that no one would be allowed to come between us or disrespect any of the primary family again. We also decided that it kept mess to a minimum when we each dealt with our own problem relatives or friends, though of course we'd discuss between us behind the scenes. Going by this idea, you don't need to say much at all to MIL, just say "Oh, DH wanted to talk to you about that," then go on your way. Have DH tell her he can't take time off from job hunting to take a vacation. If he insists on going on vacation with her, then tell him to say you're sick and get you out of it. Problem people are to be managed in the easiest way possible for you and your primary family, they don't need to be given insider information. You've already given living near MIL a solid try and she continues to be a problem, so it is time to go as soon as possible because it is a toxic situation. Helping someone out during a tough economic time makes them grateful but lording it over them and taking inappropriate control or liberties just makes them resentful. I'd get a job in an area you want to live in, that is far from MIL and just move there, even if you have to stay in a cheap hotel. Invite DH to take any job there for the time being or stay with his mother temporarily to save money. I'd try hard to get it going the way you want it to go right now instead of waiting. Good luck.

Also, after you move away, I'd be sure to not even get it started where MIL comes to stay with you. Have DH say there's not enough space or other vague reason and let him go see her at her house. Otherwise, it will be the same problems at a different location.

That is a shitty thing to do given she’s had to bail out the OP and her DH,

If the OP didn’t want to be obligated to her, then she and her husband shouldn’t have taken the money and help. Hating someone and still taking off them is pretty low.

You forgot to add "IN MY OPINION." There, I fixed it for you.

I, and many others, see it differently. If someone helps me out financially but makes me open wide and serves me a nice mouthful of sh*t along with it, well then, that's a whole different agenda and not very nice after all, is it.

So would you accept the help from someone you didn’t like and continue to slag them off? By asking for and accepting it, you risk being at a disadvantage. They could have not asked for the help but that ship sailed.

OP said her MIL didn’t make them feel bad about the help they were given.

And btw most things on here are opinions.

Also you can say ‘shit’ without having to substitute asterisks.

My response to the OP stands. You are free to hold a different opinion. Not interested in arguing with you.

Yet you felt the need to tackle me about my post in the first place.

How odd.