Am I being unreasonable? Partner has invited a friend to stay the night last minute

[AIBU122]

My partner has just sprung on me that he has invited a friend to stay over as they have an early flight in the morning. I know I have an OCD process, and so things being put on me last minute feels very uncomfortable, bordering on painful. We live in a very tiny flat with 2 kids, it’s clean but very messy today. I’ve been working all day and will be working tonight. My partner thinks everything looks fine and so states nothing needs to be tidied. I’ve told him his friend is an adult and can make his own way to the airport in the morning, and that I don’t feel comfortable with him staying. My partner has told me he is. It’s getting heated and my kids are here so I’ve left it for now. When I get to work later I wanted to text him and let him that I do not expect his friend to be here when I get home. I’m also pregnant and so my tolerance is extremely low at the moment, I don’t know if I could hold it in later. I appreciate this is probably an irrational response. But my partner knows my feelings about last minute things and I feel he just doesn’t give a shit!

This would peck my head too. I'd take a deep breath and endure it just this once but id make sure it didn't happen again

Sometimes it's good to step outside your comfort zone. You might enjoy the company and he might amuse the kids. Either way, there's not a lot you can do, so you might as well at least try to make the best of it.

Is the friend expecting a lift to the airport or has your partner offered?

If he’s got an early flight, won’t he be gone when you return anyway?

Totally unreasonable of your partner under the circumstances @AIBU122 . Nothing to do with OCD. Small flat, 2 adults (one of them pregnant) and 2 kids. The last thing you need is a last minute overnight visitor. Are they going to wake you all up at the crack of dawn as well?

Thank you ♥️. I just don’t feel I can let it go. It feels very uncomfortable for me. I’ve had tons of therapy, and the best way I’ve found to manage it is by planning things as best I can when things can be planned. Obviously things happen, but this trip has been planned for weeks, my partner could have tidied, told me in advance etc.

I really wish I more laid back, I know my partner wishes I was too 🥺

Are the friend and your partner going on the trip together or is it just the friend going?

I think you need to get your head around it. It feels like on here it’s normal to be unwelcoming, unhelpful, don’t talk to people, don’t answer the door etc but in real life isn’t it normal to do nice things for a friend? He’s got a flight nearby your place, he could pay for a hotel but your dh has offered for him to stay. If your out this evening you won’t have to see him anyway. They chat and have dinner. Everyone goes to bed. He has left before you wake up. Surely he can be quiet and creep out without waking anyone.

You have kids. Once they are teen agers they will be in and out of the house with friends and boyfriends or girlfriends. You won’t be be able to plan every interaction. Dont be an awkward unwelcoming mother.

They getting a cab together. The friend could easily get a train too.

I’ll be home at 10pm when his friend is expected to arrive. I’m knackered and I just want to get the kids school stuff ready, relax for a bit and get to bed.

Like I’ve said, I know I have an irrational process, but my partner knows this about me too. I don’t ask for anything unreasonable to help me manage, just notice where possible, it makes the world of difference to me.

This is a very normal thing to happen, we’ve done it enough times. They don’t mind the mess knowing it’s all last minute and it is always nice to see them. However you can’t help how you feel and your partner should be aware you have problems with last minute things so really should have sorted this out earlier so you had more warning.

Really good point about what will happen when the kids get older, good perspective.

It feels like such a fundamental flaw and one that doesn’t feel good to have. I wish I could express just how painful it feels when situations like this happen. It’s mainly the untidiness, it makes me feel very uncomfortable, even without people being here, but it doubles in discomfort when others are. It’s not something I can control, much of time I need to acquiesce because I appreciate my way of being is understandably viewed as irrational.

Both together x

When you get in from work just do what you need to do then go bed, your DH can host his friend

Thank you ♥️. I just shudder at the thought of someone being in my home that’s untidy. It feels like an extension of me, which also feels very exposing. But you’re right, I’ve just got to manage this the best I can for tonight x

YANBU! Last minute plans that I'm expected to go along with really fuck me off.

Thank you! I wish he understood this about me. We’ve been together for 10 years, this is nothing new or exciting to learn about me x

I agree with pp that you can just do what you need to do when you get home from work and get to bed. Nothing is required from you.

Perhaps for the future to help yourself you both need to be a bit tidier and organised. So you don’t worry about welcoming people into your home. Have a home you can be proud of. But equally, he probably doesn’t care (unless you’re a hoarder with cat poo all over the place).

Perhaps for the future to help yourself you both need to be a bit tidier and organised. So you don’t worry about welcoming people into your home. Have a home you can be proud of.

Sod that nonsense. Someone gets dumped on me as an overnight guest at the last minute,they take the place as they find it.

Yeah maybe. It’s hard to know exactly what we’re talking about here. Is OPs flat in a bit of a tip, or are we just talking normal family life? I think with the advent of social media we are made to feel we should be insta ready. I’m not suggesting that, but if OPs place gets her anxious about guests seeing it, have a tidy up and get organised so she generally feels better about it. Do what makes you happy.

So why do you feel you get to dictate, you both live there so why is it on your terms?

I get why you feel that way OP! Especially pregnant. I would honestly not lift a finger, and would be in bed at my normal time. I’d say hi in the morning if I was up when they were leaving but that would be it. I’d text DP and say you’re tired, will be in bed and they need to be quiet and considerate when they come in.

It might be less awful than you’re fearing, and I say that as someone who would be similarly discomforted by the last-minute change in plans, but is trying to become more flexible. However if they’re not considerate that would be a line in the sand for me that it could not happen again.

I wouldn’t love it but I think in this instance it’s reasonable to have him stay. As a pp said you need to get used to unexpected visitors - my mates know I’d appreciate a pre visit text at least, but my teenagers’ friends rock up at random hours all the time

Anyway, he’s a bloke, he’s unlikely to notice / judge / give a shit!

Ic OPs partner thinks nothing of overriding her lack of consent this time, surely there's nothing to prevent a repeat performance.

If it’s once in a blue moon, I’m with your husband. It’s his house too . Just get your things organised when you get back from work . You don’t have to host him . And they will be gone in the morning.

You can't help how you feel. If that's upsetting you then that's ok. However I think you are being unfair. Roles reversed, if I was travelling early and my pal offered a couch then tells me her partner won't let me stay I'd be appalled and would think either she is a poor friend or with a controlling partner. Maybe you don't care what the friend thinks but I'll bet your partner does. So I think for the sake of your relationship just suck this one up and then explain why it can't happen again.

Grit your teeth and get on with it. Suggest OH gives you a hand. Is it really worth conflict. Claim brownie points.