DC doesn't want me to see their Halls at university

[Thisgirlcandance]

Hi. I am looking for some perspective as I don't know wether I am right to be feeling quite sad or whether I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up.

DD 19 is going away to university this weekend and I have helped with getting her stuff together etc and we generally get on ok.

She is being assessed for autism too.

Thing is, she doesn't want me to see her new accommodation. AT ALL. We were meant to go and drop her off as a family and I was going to take a look at her halls. She said she wanted her dad to drop her off. Fair enough I thought. But, when I suggested that I will pop down at another time she said "why do you need to see it?" This turned into a bit of a row and quite frankly I'm pissed off.

How would you react/feel?

Good for you!

I would have been so embarrassed if my parents came to visit my university halls to be honest. It just felt like my space and having them there would have been odd.

This comment makes me think she thinks you’re a bit overbearing and you’ll take over.

I’m not saying you are like that - I don’t know you!

But I (also autistic) remember feeling this way about my own mum - she would have wanted to unpack immediately, usher me to the doors of my neighbours to introduce myself (and her), and generally make me feel rushed around by her. I wanted to unpack slowly, meet my neighbours in my own time and generally settle in at my own pace. I didn’t want to feel I had to take this big important step in my life at my mum’s pace / following my mum’s rules.

I don’t know if that makes sense, but my advice is to let your daughter lead on this. She’s possibly feeling very overwhelmed by this huge change, and this is one way for her to take back some control.

Why can’t the daughter do those things?

I just wanted to say I appreciate you recognising in hindsight what was going on. I had some huge meltdowns when I was a child and a teenager, and was later diagnosed with severe depression and autism. My mum still refuses to recognise this and thinks I’m ‘dramatic’ and ‘hysterical’ whereas in reality, some scenarios that will send me into a terrible spiral without the right support.

So thank you for being the kind of parent who gets it. I hope your dd appreciates you.

Mine only let us in for 5 minutes. Desperate to get going! I think best not to dwell on things that feel upsetting if your overall relationship is ok.

i strongly disagree and I’m happy with my approach to parenting. If I’m paying £850 a month, I expect to see the property I’m paying towards. No hyperbole just an expectation of a respectful relationship with my adult dc. But you can continue to insult me if that makes you feel better.

I think it is this. She thinks you will make a fuss, say it's not good enough, etc. and she just doesn't want any negativity.

I dont know why she doesnt want you to drop her off, its very hard for you. Dont take it to heart though. Arrange to meet at a nearby restaurant later and walk back? They can be a bit scruffy looking but who knows with teenagers, they are odd.😄

Be patient - my daughter's first year she was adamant she didn't want us visiting - I think because she was local she wanted to create a boundary. We used 2 cars to drop off all her stuff and saw the room briefly.
She had been there 3 or 4 days when she complained in the family group chat that no one had visited - my parents went the next day and I went that weekend. I ended up visiting quite frequently her whole 3 years - and not only to pick up her washing and drop off groceries!

I think its such a time of huge emotions for them, I'd let it go. DS1 VERY reluctantly allowed us into his room last year on drop off day but no way was he letting us in the communal areas in case we bumped into anyone. I think they just want to get on with it, maybe they are a sad, anxious or just want to get the party started and let's face it, at 18 most don't want their parents hanging round. She might be more receptive in a few weeks if you visit but I wouldn't push.

FFS
She is going out into the big wide world and wants to make her own way
It's all about her.... not you

It is also about parents who have been supporting and helping children as they grow up for 18 years watching them taking their steps out into the world. So it is also about parents. They are different sides of the same coin. If we are saying the students are now adults then why should only one of the adults involved be the only one considered? Why suddenly shouldn’t there be any compromise?

A reasonable compromise is to help carry stuff to their room then leave. So you are there with a function and you still see the room but no fussing, no unpacking or ‘helping’ (unless they ask for it). She can follow you back to the car to say your goodbyes there rather than in the flat.

After that you can move the car to the town centre and spend a couple of hours by yourselves looking round and building a picture of her place before heading home.

I know it’s not the same for you as being there but would she or her dad be okay taking a video/photos of the accommodation so you can see her in the halls? ( I agree I’d be hurt if my child didn’t want me there but maybe this would work as a compromise?)

Blimey, that’s not good😳.

She wasn’t a character who liked things nice or clean. She was a pretentious, socially oblivious snob who was totally obsessed with appearances and status!

If that is how she thinks of you, I’d be working on that a bit.

She's making the first real steps towards independence and a life of her own. That means you have done your job of parenting well! This is all completely normal. And with respect, this is not about you. Youre a background player in this scene, shes the star. Its her life and her exciting new start. Be supportive and accept your role is now transitioning from parent / controller / deeply involved in everything, to supporter, cheerleader and bystander. Hugs, I know its hard!

Just step back and she might invite you later?
how much help will you give her while away?
is she pretty independent?
I would be sad that I'm being used
don't we all want to see uni halls and say good byes !!

OP mostly you can get a good idea of what her room will look like on the uni accommodation website.

I am fascinated by people who think this is just about seeing the bricks and mortar, and the layout of the room.

It's a bit late for anything else

She asked you Why? Not Don’t come anywhere near!

YABU. Just loosen off the apron strings. It’s hard but it’s important personal growth for both of you.

I've only seen where they lived when we dropped them off - that for two DC first year into halls and second into private halls.

I did want to see where they were and they did need help moving in with cases so that worked for everyone.

We did go up and see them at other times in their respective cities - and their siblings stopped with them on occasions and DGP apperently saw the rooms more. We've tended to stay in city centers and met up in hotels we were in rather than trek to their digs and it worked out depsite DD1 doing three years and DS on second that we only saw their rooms and flats on that first drop off day.

They didn't seem keen to have us over and frankly I was fine with that as had seen it when they dropped off. I think DGP were bit pushier about seeing their places and going back there - as they were at drop offs - but that was up to them.

I think my parents only saw where I was at drop off and pick up days - IL did come over more and DH often took them to uni bar.

But I really did want to see where they were and they were okay there and get address to send stuff to them - so I don't think that bit's odd wanting to drop off and see place.