DC doesn't want me to see their Halls at university

[Thisgirlcandance]

Hi. I am looking for some perspective as I don't know wether I am right to be feeling quite sad or whether I need to get a grip and pull my big girls pants up.

DD 19 is going away to university this weekend and I have helped with getting her stuff together etc and we generally get on ok.

She is being assessed for autism too.

Thing is, she doesn't want me to see her new accommodation. AT ALL. We were meant to go and drop her off as a family and I was going to take a look at her halls. She said she wanted her dad to drop her off. Fair enough I thought. But, when I suggested that I will pop down at another time she said "why do you need to see it?" This turned into a bit of a row and quite frankly I'm pissed off.

How would you react/feel?

I didn’t suggest adults can’t be hurt. I can see why OP might find it hurtful. I said calling it cruel was hyperbole. Just because you find something hurtful doesn’t make the person doing it cruel. You are not the centre of the universe.

Never said it’s a flex, just that I would be upset but acknowledging it’s very different to my experience so I may well be being unrealistic. Some seem to think it’s not something to be upset about, but I can’t imagine not being upset. No flexing going on here.

I think it’s cruel behaviour shutting out a supportive parent for no reason. You can disagree without attacking my use of language.

Oh come on, don't you have any theory of mind? Your kid doesn't want you to see them off into their new life, and you're not supposed to have any feelings about that? I find responses like yours utterly disingenuous.

This is more hyperbole. She isn't shutting OP out.

But it still isn't cruel if the intention isn't to hurt but for some other reason - like trying to separate herself so it is easier to take some more independent steps. Just because OP doesn't know what the reason is, doesn't mean there isn't one - it's vanishingly unlikely there isn't a reason, even if it's a reason with a poor foundation.

It's not your choice of words that I see as you centring yourself in DC's life, it's that you make how you feel the foundation for judging the child's action. As a PP pointed out, your inability to imagine other points of view isn't a strength (in fact, going back to my first post, it's somewhat childish).

@Thisgirlcandance Just look on the accommodation web site. They have pictures. She might change her mind but there’s not much to see normally.

Presumably her dad was in charge of her growing up as well!

I had a friend at school who became very embarrassed by her mum who had become extremely overweight over the previous few years. She went out of her way to avoid her university friends meeting her.

I worked with a different woman years later who had been very embarrassed by how her mum reacted when she went to university. The mum had insisted on meeting everyone in the flat individually, had been really OTT when choosing the cupboard and fridge/freezer spaces she wanted for her daughter. The colleague was a very shy and quiet girl who was desperately trying to just fit in and be normal and had been mortified!

If my child didn’t want me to come at all, I’d be upset and wondering what I did that meant she didn’t want me there :(

There is no equivalence ..with halls of residence (a 'hotel / monastic room', she can send you pictures of) or a baby or first house...though my Mum only saw my first house once I'd bought it..because I was a grown up.

What I'm hearing from your post is you've layered your daughter's anticipation of university, moving and fitting in with YOUR needs and emotions...my Mum a tartar sometimes would never have centred herself and dimmed my excitement with her needs. Bless her mothering.

She certainly wouldnt have said this is neurotypical upset ..you'll have to bear it..to attempt to manipulate me....it really isn't typical, or ok to make a fuss.

Your daughter can send you pictures of her room if it's that important ...it really isn't

OP says something about imagining making a family day of it in one of her posts. I've never seen this..more like drop and go...unless your are Trinny and doing a complete interior design shelves, supported unpack etc etc..with her daughter who studied in Spain. I think this was private accommodation not Halls though.
I think the daughter will miss out with family hanging around ...its time to dive in and meet people ...a lovely exciting time...new independence

I think fine that she hopefully understands the way she puts things can be hurtful to others, and that other people might also have expectations of how something will go and feel disappointed when it doesn't happen in the way they anticipate.

What wouldn't be fine is if she then adjusted her boundaries when it makes her uncomfortable to please other people. There's compromise and then there's people pleasing to the detriment of your sense of self.

I agree, she could have been a bit more careful. But many teens are occasionally thoughtless with the feelings of others and being ND will likely exacerbate. Hopefully once she's settled in she'll be keener to interact.

I think the trouble with going later on is that halls are shared spaces. I wouldn't have wanted someone elses Mum turning up whilst I was living however I wanted to live away from home.
See the room on drop off and then it's her space. I know her Dad is taking her... See it on pick up?

DH took DS to halls in his first year. No room in the car for me and had elderly dog to look after at home. I thought it was best too as I knew I would be emotional. DH helped him unpack and DS then pretty much pushed him out the door so he could settle himself in and meet other flatmates. They did a FaceTime video when they arrived so I could see what his flat was like.

I then went up a few weeks later after he had settled in.

So DD might relent in a few weeks time or you could just meet up in the area where the uni is without seeing her flat, take her for a meal and do a food shop. DS enjoyed showing me his local haunts

Maybe she thinks other kids won't have parents there and she'll look babyish if she does. Let it go, at least for now. Perhaps she'll soon see that lots of the others have their parents around sometimes and it's no big deal, and then she won't mind.

Be honest with yourself - are you the type to loudly comment on how this desk is getting a bit worn or that wall could use a lick of paint etc, and maybe make her think "oh god, she sounds snobby and entitled and kids from poorer backgrounds will be thinking I'm a spoilt cow" or something?

If it's uni halls they'll be on top of maintaining smoke alarms and fire doors and all the things that actually matter. It's safer than private renting. She's safe.

Our DCs could not single handedly take all their stuff into their rooms. They wanted help! So I saw the rooms. Just didn’t stay.

Don’t be mean!!!

Let her lead.

visiting in the first week is way too soon. she needs to establish herself and needs min 2 wks without home stuff crossing over. More if possible.

id offer to visit much later at her suggestion and in local town. Then she can invite you to see the room if she wants to.

I'd find it hurtful too even if that wasn't my child's intention. I think it's normal to want to see where they are going to be living. When my eldest went we helped them move everything in, unpacked and set up the TV etc but left all the other unpacking to them so they had something to do and so they could make it their own. We then all went for lunch before dropping off back at halls and said goodbye. I was sent a video of the finished room as they wanted to show me what they had done. I only saw their halls after that when it was time to help them move out.

I'm not someone who helicopter parents but I liked being involved in the start of their new chapter.

Do you think you unintentionally make judgemental comments about things to your daughter and that's what is worrying her?

I would hope my DDs have been raised to respect their parents (spoiler: they do) and not be so precious and entitled that they would just take our funding for their university life for granted. Something has gone very wrong in a relationship if a child thinks they’re ‘adult’ enough to ‘assert boundaries’ when those boundaries they are asserting are funded by someone else.

I'm assuming you're paying or at least contributing to her maintenance? If so, I would insist. She doesn't get to dictate everything.

But not all students are funded by their parents you know.

Would you really? I think as a parent you need to be the more emotionally intelligent one as a rule.

If something has gone wrong, throwing your weight around will only make matters worse.

OP mostly you can get a good idea of what her room will look like on the uni accommodation website.

DS was a bit awkward when we dropped him the first time - think he felt we were fussing too much and was a bit embarrassed!

Your DD is probably just pre empting that and worrying about how she will come across to her new flatmates - don't think it's a reflection of a negative relationship, just that maybe she' a bit worried about the whole thing?

Honestly - having seen lots of halls and house rooms at uni now, I'm not really sure I want to see another one! Just visit and take her out for dinner - it'll all be fine

I can see why she wouldn’t want that. Most new students would be embarrassed to have a parent rock up after a week or so. But I do think she was unreasonable in not wanting you to see the accommodation at all.
In your shoes, I’d try not to make a big deal of it and just go with the flow. A few years ago, when I dropped off my son, I literally helped him carry in his stuff, then it was clear he wanted me to leave, so I did. A few days ago, I dropped off my daughter and she wanted help unpacking a few things and to go out for a meal before leaving her. Both were fine by me.

I would hope to love and respect my children enough for such controlling and petty thoughts to not cross my mind, even if I was sad about the way they chose to try and develop their independence.