Sister makes little effort with me or my children

[Bootsand]

My sister doesn't seem to want to maintain a relationship with me, or build one with my children and I'm feeling very sad about it.

For context, she is 4 years younger than me and I'm married with three kids and she is single. We both work full time (I have just returned full time after maternity leave). In the year I've been off with baby, she's maybe seen the baby four times which feels very sad given that we live in the same city and two of those times I have taken the baby over to her.

I invite her round to our house for lunch/dinner frequently and she'll say yes sometimes but back out at the last minute saying she's got to tidy her flat/is coming down with a cold/is tired. She seems to rotate the excuses every week.

I offer to visit her but the last time I went over she was really stressed and abrupt with the kids so we left early.

On her most recent visit to our house, she only came over because mum was over and she spent her whole time on her phone.

Whenever I try and text or call her to engage in conversation I usually just get one or two word texts back, or just no real effort to talk or connect. I appreciate she might be stressed but when I ask her how she is or if everything is ok she just replies with "I'm good" and doesn't invite further conversation.

I know she tells my mum stuff she doesn't tell me, which is fine, and I've spoken to mum about this but my mum reassures me and she says she loves me and the kids and that this is a phase but she's been like this for the last 10 years at least. I have softly suggested to my mum she might be depressed but my mum knocks this back.

We have very different personalities- I'm very outgoing and she is more reserved. She is also very religious whereas I am not.

As a consequence of our personalities, I probably take more initiative to suggest and arrange meet ups and try to make conversation but it's been very disheartening not having my efforts accepted or reciprocated.

I've taken a step back over summer and my sister would text me occasionally to ask how I am but that was it. Just how are you with no real follow up.

The confusing thing is that she says she loves the kids and wants a relationship with them buys them presents etc but other than that makes zero effort to engage/talk to them have fun with them. It's like she likes the idea of being an aunt but can't be bothered in real life.

I never ask her to babysit so it's not like I'm imposing, I'm just asking to spend time with her and spend time with the kids with us all together. I'm happy to host so she doesn't have to lift a finger.

I've even asked her to go out just us no kids and I pay for meals out but I've stopped now as she makes excuses or the one time we went out she's never reciprocated back. I've offered to take her on holiday with us when we go with our parents and pay for her place and she's said no because a family holiday is too boring for her. That hurt a bit because she never really goes out or uses her annual to go on any other trips.

I think she's like this with most of her other relationships unless it's a potential love interest - she often tells me she flakes out of events and doesn't have a real friendship group outside of family so I wonder if this is just the way she is. She will cancel any and all plans if she's got a date or plans with a bf and I don't begrudge this as I know she wants to find a partner but it still hurts.

I'm just so upset as I would love to have a relationship with her where we can have fun together but it's just so tiring and upsetting when it's not reciprocated.

She's an extremely sensitive person so I can't say any of this to her as if I did I think she'd never speak to me again and I don't want that. I'm just sad and don't know how to fix it.

I’m sorry @Bootsand. It’s really painful when you’re putting yourself out there and love her but she’s not reciprocating.

She may be depressed as you say but as you say she prioritises dates / plans with bf above everything else because she wants to find a partner.

Could it be that you have already what she wants and it’s painful for her seeing what you have? Does she want children? Not that that is an excuse for her behaviour, but another way of understanding it. We all have to face situations we find painful but usually we can handle it with a bit more grace than this. I would maybe see if your mum agrees if this could be driving her behaviour

I would suggest scaling back the effort you’re making if the lack of reciprocation / rejection hurts. Match her effort, low committal check in texts. The more you put in, the more it hurts when you feel the imbalance. Doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to her but I think you know now that putting a lot of effort in and generosity actually doesn’t impact the relationship

Oh just adding too - you offered to pay for her accommodation on the trip. Is she less financially secure? Just wondering if that could be playing into comparisons for her

Just accept she isn't into your family life and kids the way you are. Tbh I wouldn't be keen to go on a holiday with 3 young children if I was single.
Go out and have a coffee and catch up.

you are allowed to be sad. Don’t try and fix it

I don't think you can fix it I'm afraid. She's just a different kind of person to you and I think she's one who pulls away if they feel anyone starts to want to get close to them. Being a sister doesn't change someone's fundamental make up and it's no guarantee of a particular relationship. Accept and love who she is and enjoy the time you spend together rather than expecting more than she's willing to give. Use the energy to invest in people who give more back.

eta: to be honest holidays with young children when you haven't got them sounds like something I'd swerve. I'm well past that stage and there's no way I'd want to go back

We have very different personalities- I'm very outgoing and she is more reserved.

...
As a consequence of our personalities, I probably take more initiative to suggest and arrange meet ups and try to make conversation but it's been very disheartening not having my efforts accepted or reciprocated.

Have you considered that trying to initiate more when interacting with a quieter person just makes things less appealing for them? You're potentially pushing her away by being overbearing.

What's actually wrong with seeing a sister and having a quiet time? Do you need 'conversation' or could you just hang out?

You can’t force change on people. Sounds like she’s very introverted and a bit self absorbed. And it’s not as though the children are missing out if they don’t see her if she’s not interested in them.
I’m sure that if she ever has her own she’ll get it but just keep the door open and stop trying to encourage her. It sounds like it’s not you that’s her problem anyway. Its just her way.

I understand that you would like a close relationship with your sister but you say that you are very different people at very different stages of life. She's quiet, religious, single and child free. You're married on maternity leave and more outgoing. Those situations and personalities make for a mismatch. Have you ever been close? Leave things as they are and develop other friendships with people at the same stage of life as you.
It's also worth remembering that other people's children are rarely a source of interest to those without them so if you really want a successful relationship with your sister see her without yours and talk about something else.

Could you try and find a common interest? Walking, gym, Pilates classes, sign up for a Kiltwalk or other event?
Other than that I think you just need to accept it is what it is. Maybe scale back effort slightly without losing all contact.

Look I feel I act like your sister a bit. I do have a DP and don’t live close to my brother and his 3 kids. But I would not want to go on holiday with them and used to only go at Christmas if I was alone. I avoid Christmas. Family events only if I can escape after.

I want to chill out not spend my annual leave with kids. I love my nieces and nephews bit they are loud. I am sure as they get older it will be fine. Brother and I don’t have much in common, except blood.

we have now accepted this and my parents and his frustration have gone with less pressure. We have a much better relationship as it’s natural and based on quality.

I think you just have to accept you have different interests and personalities and won’t have the type of relationship you want. Not all siblings are best friends (I would say the majority aren’t!). Your lives are different and I can completely see why she wouldn’t want to go on holiday - I’d feel the same.

I think you should just accept that you’re not close and probably never will be. It’s perfectly ok to not want to share holidays - the idea of going on holiday with kids that aren’t your own is anathema to most people.

I have sisters, we get on well and see each other periodically but I am far, far closer to my girlfriends. I’ve never felt obliged to have really close relationships with my sisters just because we’re related. Friends are the family you choose, after all.

Thank you for all your kind replies. I think you are right and I should just accept that we aren't going to be close. I am just so hurt because she's said she wants a relationship with the kids and wants to see me etc but I think she just likes the idea of it rather than the reality. For example, I'll invite her to do something [eg come over to ours, I'll go to hers without kids and go out for dinner or a walk] and she'll be non comital and say "i'll need to see, I have to [insert excuse] but I do want to see you" and then nothing further, no follow up. With hindsight maybe this is her way of letting me down gently.

I totally appreciate that my kids aren't of interest to others which is why I offer to see her without the kids but I get pushback on this. I've asked to go for coffee/dinner/theatre walks etc but she'll be non comital or say not. But if I say I've been for dinner with a friend or been to see a gig with a friend she'll often say "oh you'll go for dinner with a friend but you won't see me" or "why didn't you invite me to the gig" and she'll get huffy about it which is another reason why I get so confused.

Re the holiday - I agree holidays with kids are not fun at all, but I offered to book her a separate room at a hotel we were staying at in a very fun part of the world and said there was no obligation to hang out with us, plenty she could do etc and tbh I invited her so she could also spend time with our parents as she spends all her annual leave with them any way out of her own choice so I didn't think it would be an awful offer. My mum and dad never go abroad unless I arrange it, and she doesn't travel either so I just thought it would be a good change of scene for everyone but clearly I was wrong on that front. I also didn't want her to feel excluded and to feel like we were all going without her.

@SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite she does earn less but I don't get the feeling that this has ever been an issue at all/she's never said anything and I don't feel like she wants what I have/feels pain being around kids either, at least I've never got this impression from her. She's always said she'd have kids if the right person came along but she's also not bothered if it doesn't happen.

Thinking back, there has been the odd occasion where I'll get a text on the weekend saying she wants to see me the same day and I'll say I can't because of other pre arranged commitments and she's told me to cancel the commitments and see her instead and got very annoyed with me when I wouldn't and accused me of putting others first. Perhaps me doing this has annoyed her over the years and in her mind I'm prioritising others.

I've tried to deny it but we just aren't compatible as friends sadly

I think you need to read the room a bit more - she’s not interested. You have jumped straight from that to assume the the problem is her - depression, without thinking that maybe she finds you too much? It sounds like she doesn’t like noise, she’s allowed to not like noise.

It does sound like that's a fair conclusion. She sounds quite self absorbed and you don't have to jump to her in the same way she's not bending for you. I'd try to get to the point where you role your eyes and see the irony/humour of her contradictions. Most people I know swear they're the only sane ones in their family (including me). I think we just know them too well and I'm sure they feel the same about us!

She is telling you clearly she wants the relationship to be on her terms. She is quite selfish wanting interaction when it suits her while not understanding the demands of family life. It will come as a shock to her if she ever has a family and she will probably end up being quite demanding.

All you can do is accept her as she is. Just continue with your own routines. However, she in turn is going to have to accept her distant relationship with you and your children.

Some sensible good replies on here. There's an old saying "You pick your friends,you are given your relatives". It's very true. If you have recently been on maternity leave,am guessing your dcs are quite young,I didn't have siblings, but I had friends who can't stand young children. I certainly wouldn't attempt to find something you can do together. My DH was a bit like your sister, not religious though. He had no dcs. He is very quiet,shy, introverted, phonophobic, doesn't drink alcohol,smoke,or eat massive portions of food. His late M, insisted we attend family events, which he hated. If we had a few people round,he would often retreat to the bedroom, sometimes it would make him ill, migraine or gastric. He doesn't have male or female friends, only the friends we have together. His work colleagues wanted to go out drinking etc.(he is autistic)We went NC with his whole family,3 siblings,M, almost 18 years ago (various issues) should have done it years ago. I'm not saying your sister will go this far, but just accept you have completely different personalities. Even having separate hotel rooms and going to some fun busy places, would be hell for him and your sister. Keep in touch casually, and concentrate on your own friends circle.

You cant force people to be what you want then to be people dont work like that

Just wanted to say that you sound like a really lovely sister many of us would love to have. Such a shame that she finds it too overwhelming as both of you are missing out on such a special relationship.

You have tried really hard but unless she is willing to put the effort in it will not happen. Imagine having a sibling that would pay for a holiday for you, anybody would jump at that chance but your DS obviously isn’t in the right frame of mind to see that.

Maybe take a step back slightly and not put so much effort in. It seems to be upsetting you quite a bit and the more you try the more you will be dissapointed.

I do hope she eventually does get some help and makes efforts to build a relationship with you again.

This.

OP you are fighting a losing battle.

You need to accept that your sister does not want a close relationship with you and take a step back.

Being related to someone does not always mean that you have a lot in common or enjoy spending a lot of time together.

Also it is understandable that a single, child-free woman might not be interested in spending time and holidays around 3 young children.

I do nt know your ages but you have probably another 4 decades in which to build a friendship - I only became close to my sis when she also had a family.
Dont force it you have lots of time

You’re just very different people, both personality and lifestyle wise. There’s may be an expectation as to what the relationship should be because you’re sisters, but if you weren’t then I doubt that either of you would be drawn to the other as anything beyond acquaintances. There’s nothing wrong with either of you, you just don’t ‘get’ each other. What makes you happy would be miserable for her, and vice versa.

She probably says she wants a closer relationship because that is what she’s expected to say, and to want. She also may be saying it because she doesn’t want to deal with any resultant familial conflict or pressure from being honest.

Based on her repeatedly saying she wants a relationship, it seems you’ve had this conversation with her quite a few times when she’d probably rather you just read the room and stopped pushing. She’s giving you the spiel she knows you want to hear so that you’ll drop the subject for a while, while you’re ignoring what she’s clearly signaling and also choosing to give her words more weight than you know you really should.

You are not going to change her, any more than she’s going change you, so it will benefit both of you if you can just give her space and accept the relationship for what it is, not what you think it should be.

Sadly this often happens with siblings, you're different people and that's ok (like the religion aspect etc). Just focus on your friends, seems like you've tried all you can, and just because you share blood doesn't mean there's any more sense in forcing closeness than with a friend you grew apart from.

I don’t think the sister is in the wrong frame of mine, or needs to be ‘fixed’. They’re just very different people, and that’s okay.