I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

[Gemitf]

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

You’re still liking the attention.

Here is the reality.

This man is weak, and spineless.

He’s not strong enough to end his marriage and be with you.

He’s not strong enough to be honest with you and cut ties.

He’s snivelling on the phone to you because he doesn’t want to give away his current favourite toy, but he doesn’t care enough about you to do anything about other than whinge and cry.

This weakness would be a massive turn off for me.

It did - it made me laugh as it’s so true!

Grow up and concentrate on your own family and finish this charade.

Ask yourself this, what is the ‘resolution’ you want:

• he leaves his wife for you and you leave your dh
• he leaves his wife but you do not leave your dh
• he doesn’t leave his wife but you do leave your dh
• he stays with his wife but remains unhappy, yearning for you, sending long messages that take an age to read and were likely written by ChatGPT
• You meet up for coffees as friends and talk about how prices are going up, how social media is damaging kids, what you’re making for tea, and gosh wasn’t it hot this summer?
• OR you end it, block him, finito, nada mas, and get on with your life….

You know exactly what to do. There is no further knowledge to be gained from any further interactions with him. Just stop. Otherwise, be very clear that you are making a choice to hold this hand grenade. And other people will get hurt.

it’sl easy to feel lovesick, it can be overwhelming. But when your husband finds out, when your kids have to be told you’re splitting up, when that reality kicks in, then you’ll see what a weak and pathetic man this “lover” really is. Cut him off and deal with your marriage, save it or split up, but try and preserve your self-esteem. Owning up to your partner is bad enough. Facing your kids is worse.

Okay, OP I want you to stop thinking about this just in terms of the feelings you and this guy may or may not have for each other. That’s not to say it’s not important but it’s only half the equation you can love someone but when you manifest that love into something real world you have to create a container within which to hold it which is the relationship. Now you and him created a completely separate container for just the pair of you a side of your respective marriages aside your respective promises and vows to others aside from even potentially the best interests of the children you’ve all got I don’t say that to be mean, and judgy, I’m just making an observation.

You also have other containers running concurrently with two other people, namely your husband and his wife. Now it sounds very much to me like you having this affair has potentially obliterated the container that is your marriage. It hasn’t form in the end you haven’t spoken to your husband about it but you’ve mentioned several times that you don’t think you can live a lie which means chances are you’re probably right the marriage will probably end however there’s an asymmetry because it doesn’t sound like you’re a fair partner wants his marriage to end at all, which I’m sorry to say obliterated the relationship container you and he built together in the affair.

Just because relationships die doesn’t necessarily mean that the FEELINGS involved go away. Which makes the whole business seem more complicated than it needs to be. You have the sense of the feeling still being there and you think well if the feelings are still there, surely we can salvage something from all of this? And the short answer is no you can’t not really what would need to happen is the construction of an entirely new container which is actually incrementally hard harder than starting from scratch.

I’ll flat out say this neither one of you sound at all capable of constructing a healthy reciprocal proper relationship with anyone and if your husband and his wife fell under a bus tomorrow I’d predict the pair of you would be in trouble sooner or later. One or the other one would inevitably stray because you’re both incapable of being anything other than utterly enslaved to the whims of your current strongest feeling. You both sound deeply addicted to the drama of your own emotional Tempests. And the well-being of other people even children play second fiddle to that fact.

I would recommend getting yourself into therapy and acquiring the self knowledge to inoculate yourself from this catastrophe in the future.

Thanks all. Honestly, I can see what needs to be done. It’s head over heart and what would really help me is getting the ick as they say. Someone mentioned that his weakness would be a turn off and usually I could relate to that but with him, I don’t seem to. I’m trying hard to stand back and look at the reality of the situation as a neutral observer and the replies have really helped so thank you.

The ick should be the fact he was willing to sleep with you and then go home to his wife and sleep with her. That he was still having happy family days out while you basically pined for him.

The ick is that he is an absolute loser of a man who likes to play with women’s emotions and vaginas to keep himself happy and won’t even respect when they tell them no more instead he puts on his false crying ask to try and suck you back in.

Your no longer good enough for even a real fuck, just some dirty texting. Not good enough to be a friend either just a dirty secret for his own wank bank.

Because he thinks / knows your a sucker for it and he knows how to play you.

Thats gross that’s icky.

You aren't blocking him because you want some sort of 'resolution'? Seriously? The resolution you need IS blocking him. You will not hear from him, he will not hear from you. That is YOUR 'resolution' of the affair. What he does is not your problem.

You don't need to get 'the ick'. You don't need to be 'turned off' by anything he says or does. All you 'need' you already have or know. That cheating with this man was and is wrong. That (I assume) you do not want to hurt your husband nor do you want to destroy your marriage. That you do not want your name or reputation dragged through the mud if the affair should come out.

That's all the 'resolution' you need. So 'resolve' it. Block him.

He sounds exactly the same as the OP.

Well yes if her husband was posting here I don’t think she would want to read what we said about her behaviour here either.

Both a pair of morally corrupt cheaters who zero regards for the husband/wife or children and risking their husband / wife sexual health and mental health. Scum basically.

You were two people who fancied each other and between the intensity of the secrecy and sex youve become attached and call it "genuine care" to justify your behaviour and minimise the immortality of your affair.

Which is it? Is it not really 'genuine', or is it immortal? You can't have it both ways...

Im not having it both ways???

I think it is immoral. As i said I think OP is quoting him as "genuinely cares" hoping one of us will tell her to believe him. But I think hes just saying it to try and excuse their immoral behaviour - it not his fault he has "feelings". But im saying him saying he has feelings doesnt make it true, it changes nothing. The only person he is thinking of is himself

Immortal! Everlasting ❤

What form does this resolution take?

There is no resolution until the day you feel indifferent to him. That process starts when you block him and go NC. He isn’t ever going to say “yes of course, you’re right, let’s call it a day, we’ve been idiots”
I had one of those guys. 30 years ago, crying, heartbroken etc etc
He still leaves me a message on my birthday. 30 years!!!!

Block block block

Listen to New Rules by Dua Lipa

and then block some more.

You don’t have to convince yourself that’s he isn’t in love with you and is just a bastard who manipulating and using you. He could be a nice man in an unfulfilling marriage who loves his kids and wants to keep a stable life for them, but craves genuine emotional connection. It doesn’t actually matter at this point.

All you need to know and hold on to, is that you’re not willing to live your life like this. You are not happy having an affair and for it to continue indefinitely. You recognise that continuing to meet in secret and be emotionally entwined after you’ve had sex is absolutely continuing the affair. So you understand that at some point, the affair will have to end. If not now, when?

You don’t need to get the ick for him. You need to get your self-respect back.

Also, and I am generalising here - men are typically much more willing to have affairs indefinitely than women. He will carry on as long as you let him, using your emotional support to prop up his marriage. If you leave the affair, he will be forced to face reality and might get divorced. And then you can see where you are.

I assumed the poster meant immorality?

I assumed the same.

I wish you could hear yourself! You need to grow the fu*k up, block him and get on with your married life! I'm embarrassed for you!

There’s 29 pages of neutral observers telling you what you need to do and know OP.

you don’t need to wait and think about it at all..

You seem to be in some sort of cloud cuckoo land. You just need to block him. Of course it will be hard, but there is absolutely no way you can have a friendship with this OM as it will never be just a friendship. You really need to nip this in the bud right now, get therapy and focus on your own family.

Given this emotionally charged situation you are in, what is your behaviour like at home? Has your DH not picked up on this? Are you still intimate with him and to all intents and purposes, does your DH think your relationship is great?

And none of them even consider the effect their behaviour, seeking the short lived thrill of sex outside the family they have created, will have on the children they purport to love , once it all comes out in the open. Totally selfish, unthinking, immature, self-centred crappy behaviour.