I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

[Gemitf]

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

You need to get a good firm grip of yourself

How is he manipulating you? You could just block him. You won't walk away. It's your fault that you won't do that, not him.

He knows exactly what he’s doing. And he knows you’re letting him get access to you and you emotions. He’s enjoying this op, you really need to open your eyes to this guy, look at what he’s doing to his wife, and to you, he’s not a good person - at all!

I know several women like this who are involved in a fairly but not always distant way with other men other than their husbands - texting, suggestive texts, the odd meeting. They won't give up. They won't block them as they say "it's giving the man more power than he deserves". They don't want to. They want that buzz of him messaging them. It brings some fun to their lives. They post on FB about their wonderful family, husband and kids publicly so the men can see. Friends of them praise them about their wonderful life -if only they knew the reality. Yes I'm looking at you ....

I've met a few people (men and women) like that over the years under the guise that they're just "friends"..

Update: I told him I’m not prepared to have an emotional affair and that if he wanted to genuinely just be friends, he would be open with everyone about that. I said the right thing to do is not see or speak to each other ever again. He is now saying that the care he has for me is ‘real and genuine’ that he wants to be there to support me and that it doesn’t feel right to cut each other off; that a part of him will always want to look out for me.

He is now saying that the care he has for me is ‘real and genuine’ that he wants to be there to support me and that it doesn’t feel right to cut each other off; that a part of him will always want to look out for me.

I would ask him why he is talking like a character in a teenager's first draft of a romantic novel.

Still wanting to have his cake and eat it then…

So you have reported the latest episode (news). What you haven't done is said what you are going to do now (commentary).

He is just trying to keep you on a string. He doesn’t like the fact you’re trying to get rid of him as a mistake.

You’re taking away his power and control and ego boost of being wanted.

Just stop. Block him. Tell your husband. You clearly don’t love your husband enough or you wouldn’t be struggling to cut this man off.

Your poor husband.

That’s exactly the phrase I used in response to him. Honestly - at this point I don’t want to block him because I want some sort of resolution and to understand what is going on. He has left voice notes crying and saying how much he cares about me. That seems genuine.

You don’t want to block him because you are loving the attention. There is no resolution to this. Stop being an idiot.

Please grow up.

You're going to destroy your family if you don't stop moping like a lovesick teenager - and if that's genuinely not what you want, you need to block him. It may be hard, bit it's not impossible, you're a fully functioning adult with a finger perfectly capable of pressing the block button.

You're doing exactly the same because you won't block him. The affair is either over or it isn't.

But blocking him is the resolution.

Oh for goodness sake ! Give your head a huge wobble !!!

you came on here wanting revenge / vengeance

' Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed.'

This is what you said when you started this thread.

HE knows this and is just trying to keep you on side, he does not want you exposing his affair to his wife !

Noone other than you read that and thought aww gosh he loves you.

Say "It means so much that you want to look out for me, the best way you could do that is by respecting my wishes and going away. Let me focus on my husband and move on"

Or.. realise hes talking like a predatory cheater masquerading as a love struck teen and tell him its not about his fucking feelings anymore and block him

Honestly, the ONLY control you can have in this situation is choosing to end it before it costs you your marriage, your family and your sanity. You have this small window of opportunity to tell him to fuck right off and move forward.

What "sort of resolution" are you hoping to understand?

He loves his wife, said vows in front of family, friends and maybe his God. He created a family with her. Feels guilty about his behaviour and it didnt slow him down.

And you have this blinding "pick me" attitude to it all. He isnt the only one wanting his cake and to eat it. Even if theres a "resolution" where he says OMFG I wish it was you, I wish it was always you, I love you... youll never be able to trust thats true because he says that shit to her and fucked you.

Seeming genuine a. Doesn't make it so b. Doesn't make him less married and c. So fucking what? What if it is genuine - what difference does that make?

There isnt a resolution to this better than you cutting your losses

Why are you facilitating this nonsense.

You are giving way too much headspace to what he’s thinking and feeling.

I’ll be blunt, you have already been selfish in embarking on this affair, so why not be selfish now and put yourself first in a way that would actually benefit you. Be firm, say your decision is final, and that you’re blocking to make it easier all around.

I’ll tell you what will happen if you don’t. Once he’s broken you down with his current pleading, the power will switch. You will then again be the needy one wondering what’s next while he sets the boundaries and backs off. You need to be sensible and keep the power over your own life. A pp is right, you are on a self-destructive path and at the end of it will be a marriage in tatters, your children ‘s home broken and you will STILL not have this man anyway.

In case it isnt already clear

You arent friends

You were never friends

You were two people who fancied each other and between the intensity of the secrecy and sex youve become attached and call it "genuine care" to justify your behaviour and minimise the immortality of your affair.

But saying he cares doesnt make it so. And even when he does care look at how he treats his wife and stop pretending youre special.

He never thought you were special just that he was

You won't find a resolution, @Gemitf. This is how he is keeping you emotionally invested. If he really cared about you and was a grown up who recognised that this relationship is incompatible with your realities he'd agree you need to break contact. He's either deliberately or, through emotional immaturity, unconsciously manipulative. Stop leaving the power with him and take it for yourself by blocking him. You're playing a very risky game because the longer you stay in contact the more chance your husband will find out. I do wonder if the guilty part of you and the part that wants a magical solution to this wants this. Perhaps a part of you is wanting your marriage to implode without you having to confess and hoping your AP will then ride in to rescue you on his charger? That would be a 'resolution' that deals, superficially at least, with your immense guilt and gives you your AP back. These kinds of barely conscious fantasies are not uncommon but the chances your AP will be there for you if your husband finds out are slim to nothing. Obviously, not all of you wants this but we often have conflicting feelings. Even if I am off the mark with my amateur therapist take the best thing you can do is become aware of any emotional undercurrents that are holding you back and then steel yourself to do the rational and healthy thing of blocking him. A properly qualified therapist would probably help a lot if you feel stuck and unable to end it properly.

Apologies for quoting myself, but it may be worth mentioning that this elicited a thumbs-up "agree" reaction from the OP.

OP you are your own worst enemy. He is just making everything more dramatic e.g. crying etc. to hook you back in just for his own satisfaction. Metaphorically speaking Its like he is sitting at the table eating his dinner and you are sitting on the floor underneath starving and he occasionally drops a few crumbs down for you to keep you with him. It all sounds like 16 year olds talking to me.

There is no resolution.

You either block him and move on or continue your sordid affair albeit on an emotional and sexting level only.

But you’ll still be a secret. You’ll still be unhappy. He will still be fucking his wife.