Taking your DC's phone away - heavy handed or not?

[Phonescausingproblems]

Name changed for this. Our 14 year old DD is going into her first GCSE year this year and has chosen very academic subjects as she wants to be something very specific. I have said to her that she doesn't have to do this thing but if she does she will have to get really good grades (like 6's as a minimum and 7's, 8's or 9's in certain subjects) and whilst she has the potential to do so well, she's not there yet according to her reports. She is determined. I don't have to live my life through her. I just want her to have the life she wants.

Anyway, she has done so little over the holidays. We have paid for a tutor for a couple of subjects so she has done an hour a day with that, which has given her focus and she's done really well in the lessons, but then as soon as it's done she wants to watch garbage or play Minecraft/video games.

I am aware that my lack of understanding or appreciation of video games means I think that's a total waste of time but I know from other parents what others in her year have done over the break (courses, carried on with sport or music etc). Also, the garbage she watches! It's such brain rot!

I have therefore taken her phone away except for an hour a day for the last week of the holiday. Is that heavy handed or would you have done the same?

It's your choice, but it is not what I would do. I would reserve taking the phone away for when she is badly behaved. She has worked with a tutor for the main part of the holiday, so one week of laziness before the hard work of GCSEs seems reasonable.
I do not like games but know that others do. I used to read a lot and my DM used to complain and say I should be playing outside, but I was never sporty, so feel this is similar.
Maybe I am too laid back!

I think given she is 14 that is a little heavy and she needs to be starting to sort her own ‘timetable’ out so to speak. But I would not let her have it at night (if you do) as sleep is so important. As pp says, if she is misbehaving then definitely remove it.

I wouldn't but I also wouldn't of spent money on a tutor she's either going to do it or she isn't. Im all for screen time but not actually taking her phone away and only allowing a hour a day its the summer holidays.

Taking phones away was reserved for swearing at us or using violence in some way, it was a pretty nuclear punishment in our house!

What are you trying to teach her and do you think this achieves that goal?

(I don't think Minecraft is brainrot either! It's creative and social)

how much work did you expect her to do over the holidays?

If she has her heart set on a specific career path, then she needs to make it happen. If she says to you that she'd like you to "look after" her phone while she is studying, for example, then led that come from you. If she's getting all the work done, then restricting her to an hour a day seems unnecessary. Remember there are lots of educational apps as well - is she going to be allowed those? Lots of children like to listen to music while they study - so she can't do that either?

She neefs self motivation to do well.
Taking her leisure time away will ruin that, not make her work for exams nearly 2 years away.

Christ on a bike.
Its the school HOLIDAYS. She is 14

She isnt in the GCSE Year Now.
Give her a break!

Wow that’s a lot! And far too heavy handed. I only took my DC’s phones away as punishment when it was warranted, and even then it was rare. Definitely didn’t affect GCSE’s results and I bet my DS was gaming far more than your DD is.

It’s the holidays. Let her relax and enjoy herself. You may not understand gaming but if it’s what she likes then that’s her choice.
Give the phone back, this is far too controlling.

Really excessive. It's the school holidays. Plus she needs to find her own academic level.

You need to be supportive and positive, not overbearing and negative.

Did you find that taking the phone away meant she spent the time in activities you deemed suitable instead? or did she just mope around the house complaining she had nothing to do?

14 year olds that have spent large proportions of the holidays doing enhancing activities are, I suspect, firmly in the minority. Unless forced to do so by parents.

Heavy handed.

she’ll just go back to school and get a burner phone from a mate.

DS is same age and about to start year 10, but has actually done 2 GCSEs already and will do another 1 this year, and the standard 9 the year after.

You have been really heavy handed in my opinion! There has to be balance, surely?! DS has done some work all over summer holidays, about 5 hours minimum a week I would say. He can brain rot and game and scroll to his hearts content outside of that.

I feel like giving them the tools to learn themselves is really important. DS is really bright and could easily get 9s in all subjects, but he has to learn - through failure - that if he doesn’t put the work in then he won’t do well. As an aside, DS has also done sport, and activities and met friends - but the majority of his days are definitely spent gaming at the moment!

Yes I agree self sufficiency is really important. She's been in a much better mood today without it though.

Bloody well done. More parents should be like you.

Phones are ruining lives.

Hopefully she'll learn to use the internet for focused study and short chats with friends. You will also allow the creative part of her brain to develop, rather than endlessly absorbing mindless content, performative violence and humans being vile to each other.

Come back in six months and tell us how it's going?

I'm not at your stage yet, but most of the teenagers round us who got top grades didn't have their phones much, just for travelling to school, one mum said dumbphones are better as they don't spend long on those, and she avoids the drama of friend fall outs/online bullying etc.

@Level1469 also don’t you wonder how many of the people on the thread have wanted the govt to intervene regarding social media but when it comes to ever being the ‘bad guy’ they back off. She has been off for 2 months. Thats a lot of time to do Sweet Fanny Adams…

I never said I wanted the govt to intervene.

im capable of being the bad guy when required.

I managed to rear 3 to be productive members of society and still let them slobabob in their summer hols.

I’m a teacher. You are setting your child up for anxiety and burnout. Unless she’s a very low academic level to start with, her GCSE goals should be within reach without spending every minute of her life studying before GCSEs have even started. All you are doing is transferring your anxiety onto her. Children need downtime and to decompress. They need time for creativity and friendship. But since you’re doubling down with the only person even vaguely agreeing with you, I doubt you’ll listen. You’ll be back at the end of Y11 or part way through Y12 wondering why your DD’s MH is down the toilet.

I do reduce access to screen time if it seems to be negatively affecting their mood. Computer games can be a good way for them to decompress, but I find there can be a fine line between the amount that is helpful and the amount that starts to make them tetchy. I wouldn’t take it away altogether because it can be motivation to do the things they need to do, and they have the right to use their leisure time doing things they enjoy, but I think time limits are important.

@Darragon no. That’s why I asked the question. I just wondered if the same people who want the government to protect the kids mental health by banning social media for kids will also take decisions themselves but most seem to be so scared of MH issues they dare do nothing. I get it’s a balance. Do we always just back off ‘in case’ their mental health goes in the toilet?

I also see a lot of posts where parents never took a stand and then the kids get shit grades the kids regret. And it’s all what do I do now?

I also said I have no issue with what she does. She wants to do this thing. I have said if she doesn’t want to work for it she can just coast and do something else but actions do have consequences.

PS it wasn’t vague agreement. It was pretty definite. It was just in the minority.

An hours tutoring a day at 14 in the summer holidays is already a lot.
I don’t understand your rant about the government and social media really has to do with it.
You have quite unrealistic expectations of how she should be spending her time. She hasn’t even started her GCSEs yet, of course she should be enjoying her summer.
Your over the top attitude is going to push her away from wanting to study.

I went to a school where almost everyone got 10 As and A*s at GCSE and no one was studying an hour a day over the summer holidays at 14, never mind expecting more.

You don’t have to take the phone and all its useful functions away. Just use the controls to block access to games or social media for more than an hour a day or whatever you think it reasonable. It’s really very simple and doesn’t have to cause such drama.

@Darragon let me try and explain it to you then. Social media harms our children’s health. We all know that. It allows people who often actually have a ‘rented’ life but one that appears fabulous to upset the kids as they wonder why they have to work hard to get what they want. We put pressure on Govt to act so they ban it. State intervention. However, when it comes to us restricting anything or saying it might be better if you didn’t spend your summer scrolling through this crap, it’s all too interventionist as their mental health ‘might’ go down the toilet. How about we act? How about we stand up and say something and understand there might be a teenage strop but if they know why we are saying it they might not feel it’s just an attack?

I can't believe you say she has done so little over the holidays when you have been getting a tutor. It's the holidays, that's the whole point of having holidays. Leave the poor kid relax. As for the phone, I think its good you have set restrictions but I think they are too severe. Phones are used for socialising these days, you create social isolation by taking it away. I agree with you on SM and apps that encourage scrolling or watching rubbish content, to me there is a massive difference between a phone being used this way and for communication. Gaming isn't too bad, I think Minecraft is great unless they are spending all day at it. I had a kid with zero creativity until he discovered it and it was really good for him.