Taking your DC's phone away - heavy handed or not?

[Phonescausingproblems]

Name changed for this. Our 14 year old DD is going into her first GCSE year this year and has chosen very academic subjects as she wants to be something very specific. I have said to her that she doesn't have to do this thing but if she does she will have to get really good grades (like 6's as a minimum and 7's, 8's or 9's in certain subjects) and whilst she has the potential to do so well, she's not there yet according to her reports. She is determined. I don't have to live my life through her. I just want her to have the life she wants.

Anyway, she has done so little over the holidays. We have paid for a tutor for a couple of subjects so she has done an hour a day with that, which has given her focus and she's done really well in the lessons, but then as soon as it's done she wants to watch garbage or play Minecraft/video games.

I am aware that my lack of understanding or appreciation of video games means I think that's a total waste of time but I know from other parents what others in her year have done over the break (courses, carried on with sport or music etc). Also, the garbage she watches! It's such brain rot!

I have therefore taken her phone away except for an hour a day for the last week of the holiday. Is that heavy handed or would you have done the same?

At some point during DD’s year 9, we took away her phone, iPad and school laptop at 8.30 and put them in a locked box until 6.30 the next morning. We had to hide the key each night as she would search for it. DH drilled holes in the box so everything could be charged overnight. She didn’t like it. She really didn’t like it.

However, during relaxed school holidays in year 9, we found that she was self regulating so gave up the lock box.

it was hard. She hated it. But it needed to be done. As a proper young adult now, she is thankful that we behaved as we did. It gave her brain the rest time it needed each day.

But it was hard.

Phones have temporarily ruined my youngest child's life and given her the burnout and mh issues you're talking about. This is on me and her father, for giving in to peer pressure and letting her have a phone.

Schools and governments have had years to tackle this. The best they can come up with is crappy Yondr pouches the kids bypass in 5 minutes, and a half-baked sm ban that doesn't include the nightmare that is Discord, or Whatsapp.
You're a teacher.

Why are you berating parents for trying to be responsible and keep their kids safe?

Taking phones away just caused more problems in our house. Proactive use of a planner/timetable that you agree on and write together, that incorporates family time, work time, relax time worked much better.

The teacher poster is right, but it is the parenta that give the phones to their children not the school in the first place

Remove phone = all problems solved

It makes no sense

A child is the onw that needs to want to put the effort in, removing phones so the parents can tick a box that have done something is only a tick box exercise

That's just your opinion, @PollyBell.

My opinion is that robust control of the child-smartphone problem will lead to happier, more creative, properly socialised adults than the ones I see around me day to day.

It’s the summer holidays, being able to rest and decompress is important. I would be letting her veg out watching whatever crap she wants (assuming she is doing what is expected of her around the house). But during term time, I would have very specific expectations of what she needs to do each week and devices would be restricted as needed.

@Level1469 @Darragon won't be back. She just wanted to belittle and put me down. She accused me of ranting because i asked a question but then went on a total rant herself accusing me of transferring "anxiety" on my child.

It's a bit pathetic really. She rather reminds of those Darcy probably referred to in Bridget Jones when he talked about education: "So what's the alternative? Sleeping in his parents' bed, breastfeeding until he's a teenager and some progressive school, where the day is spent singing Yellow Submarine?"

Was removal of the phone a consequence that she was aware of - was she aware that if xyz wasnt done/achieved that her phone would be removed?

I do think its an unfair punishment of she was unaware of it. Also, im not convinced this age group needs to study during this particular holiday period - my family wont have that agrrement for this age.

(FWIW A phone would be removed without warning where there is harmful/dangerous use of the phone - thats a given - although its not without warning as my kids do know this is a consequence).

Maybe better to sit with her and agree study demands/expectations/requirements - and review. Get her buy-in. Reward what she does do (simple acknowledgement) rather than str8 to punishing what she doesnt do.

If she hasn't done anything wrong to do with using her phone then I wouldn't take her phone away. Incentives work better than punishments. Offer her an incentive for completing so many hours of revision in the last week of the holidays. Let her have her phone.

School holidays should be holidays. There's no harm in doing some work, but she SHOULD have done little because it's holidays. Honestly if children need pushing extremely hard to achieve their goals, they probably aren't capable of those goals.

My kids study throughout the holidays and always have. Except if we go away for a few days then it's a total break. But an hour of work in the morning isn't going to ruin anyone's life. My Year 10 has done an hour in the morning and an hour before dinner. We've also sat down and looked at the GCSE syllabus for every subject he's taking. We've also worked on how one takes notes, and how to use revise, use past papers. The bulk of his day is free to go hang out with friends, go swimming, he's been away at a music residential (where again he did no work obviously).

You can set limits on the phone instead of taking it away. That way she has to ration her time and that might be a better long term strategy. We also have a rule that the phone is handed to me at night and charged in my bedroom.

If she's bright enough to do the course - and get the grades and do the job she wants to do - it's unlikely she would need to be working through the holidays between years 9 and 10.