I honestly can't do this anymore. I'm in a living nightmare

[LittleWhiteDogWithABlueBowtie]

I don't know what I have done to deserve this life.
I have teens/young adults all at home. As a family we are dealing with Autism, bipolar, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, college/school refusal, PDA, extreme social anxiety, agoraphobia and historical childhood SA with extreme self harming.

Every day is a fucking nightmare and a new struggle.

I am dreading September as the whole school refusal thing will start again.

They are with CAHMS, have had/having therapy. I'm in therapy. I'm on meds. They're on meds.

The whole fucking thing is just impossible and Its just getting harder and harder as they get older and I feel like a total fucking failure as a parent in so many ways and I can't ever see us living normal lives and I just do not want to live like this any more.

I wasn't a bad parent, I'mnot now but I'mfinding it harder and harder to cope.
It was easy when they were little then bad things happened and genetics kicked in at puberty too maybe? Covid isolated them all and just killed the small amount of social integration they had. They lost confidence and there was no way to keep that socialising going.

Its all my fault. Its all gone so wrong and now everyone is sad constantly. I wish I would have killed myself before I had any of them. It would have saved them all so much pain and suffering. I know that is horrific to say but I feel like I have brought them here to just suffer.

What the fuck is in this world for ND kids like them who have trauma and extreme mental health issues?? Everyone just sees them as lazy and a burden to the tax payer if they apply for benefits but who is going to hire them when they can barely attend an interview and cannot present themselves in a 'normal' manner.
Of course an employer is going to choose the confident, social person over my child again and again. And there is so much competition for a job now. There is no social housing and private rent is stupid high.
I can't see them moving out.

I just don't know what to do at all.

I didnt sign up for this. I didn't know it would be like this.

I love them so much and I am so scared about the future

Thinking of you

I second this. As a safeguard lead at a high school I was sometimes part of a TAF plan. And the families we supported got good support and outcomes. Push for this. Bless you, life is bloody hard sometimes. 💐

Hopping on to say you aren’t alone! I also have two who’ve been stuck in their bedrooms for years, I never ever thought my life would look like this when they were younger, active, sporty, had great friendship networks.
I don’t understand what changed, Covid + teens + lack of opportunity and social pressure?
you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hopefully things will improve as they get older.
my eldest is NEET at 19 and finding it impossible to get a job or an apprenticeship (he’s autistic for sure but undiagnosed) lives his life online. My youngest at 16 like yours has had years of self harm / PDA / overwhelming anxiety. It feels impossible but he’s starting college next week (with no GCSEs) and we are hopeful it’s a window that might unlock a future for him.
like you we have no social life - we dread the judgment from our old friends and family :(
we plod on xx