The longer you wait the less time you have

[LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife]

With your children.

Not a goady post but it just dawned on me the longer you leave it to start a family the less time they will have you in their lives. It’s quite sad really.

That's assuming you're a positive thing in their lives.

My parents, not so much.

And?
I say that as someone who started my family early because I was financially stable and met DH early, but not everyone has that luxury.

I've had dc in my teens, 20's, 30's and 1 at 43..
It worries me the younger ones won't have me around as long.

True but as an older mum myself and in a steady secure happy marriage. I am glad I waited until that stage in my life than jumped in and had a baby for the sick of it with whoever was around in my early 20’s then ended up on my own as a single parent with children passed around from pillar to post etc.

They'll still have plenty of time though. Most people don't die until about 80ish so even if having a baby at age 40, that will be a good 40 years.

Or you could die at 50 or 100. There's just no way of knowing. My DH's dad died when DH was 20. Mine died when I was 60. Both dads had us at the same age (30).

And??

Alot of people don't want to be parents in their 20s. If they don't actively want DCs they are more likely to resent the baby taking away their freedom and therefore be "bad" parents. It's sensible to wait until a bit later when they want to settle down, have the money and stability to be the kind of parents they want to be.

What's sad is people being forced into parenthood because they were trapped in an abusive relationship as a young adult or didn't have access to contraception or safe abortion. That's not a good situation for the child.

As a pp said, if I had waited until 40 to have a child (or even later than that) I would still expect to see that child to adulthood and probably meet any grandchildren.

My Dsis died aged 35. Fortunately she hadn't had children - her life was chaotic and she would have struggled to give them a good life. Having children young in no way guarantees you will be a good parent, which is much more important that the number of years you are alive...

You’re really over simplifying parenthood. Well, life in general to be honest. And im not sure for what purpose. You can’t got back in time and had children at a younger age.

I had an abortion at 21. That child would now be the age I was then. They would have lived a very unhappy life based on how my 20’s and early 30’s went. My young son has a genuinely much happier and settled mother for the time I’m here with him. If I had to pick between those two situations again, I’d keep my choices the same.

Yup. I'm only just 60 and my child is 40. Grandchild is 8. If I live as long as my parents, grandchild will be in his 30s before I'm gone.

Not necessarily. You might look after your health better after kids, so live longer (might).
And some kids move away at 18 and barely see their parents, while some people have parents who were 40 when they had them, but see each other most days in adulthood.

Alternatively, you could look up all the economic, health and educational disadvantages suffered by the children of parents who were very young when they had a child.

I agree and this isn't against people who have their children in their 30s and 40s because thats just sometimes how it works out but im glad im glad I had my children young as I will likely live until they are in their 60s plus and my grandkids until their 40s and even my great grandkids until adulthood

Women who have babies in their 40s are more likely than average to live to 100. Probably the late fertility is connected to the slow aging that allows them to live so long rather than being causative.

The average life expectancy is mid 80s (remember this means half of all people live longer). If you have a child in your 20s they are going to be in their sixties when you reach that age. You do hear about crazy situations where women in their 70s are looking after their mother in their 90s. I'm not sure that's any better than losing a parent in your 30s.

Me too! I was 41 when my youngest was born.

I've never come across anyone else who had dc in every decade, glad im not the only 1!!

My eldest is 32, I’m 57. So the pp saying you’d get 40 good years would mean I’d have about 8 years left. 40 years isn’t long enough. It goes so quickly.

Well, sure, but surely you trade that off against the kind of life you can offer a child? At 25 I was a postgrad student doing a stint of film set tutoring in Mexico before starting another degree in Europe. There was no place for a baby in that life, though I was in a happy, committed relationship — I was getting by on scholarships and living in insecure rented accommodation, and spending a lot of time in archives. When we had a child, much later, our lives were much more amenable to including a baby.

@Tomfooleries I was married with a mortgage free house and I was in the very fortunate position to be a stay at home mum all through their childhood. Now, at the grand old age of 57, I am a widow of 12 years. Own my home, retired and travel extensively. 3 adult children, happy and healthy with big lives. I’d still choose my life over yours for the extra years I’ll have with my children.

Yes... it sucks.

I realised once my dd was born... if she had children the same age as I did I'd basically be dead/ theres no way i could help with childcare

Well that's you. Some people wouldn't choose that.
The years I was a SAHM were the most boring and unfulfilling of my life. And many people don't want 3 children.

I have to agree with you.
I had DS (DC1) at 28 DM was 55
DS is now 22 DM is 77 and has adult relationships with both of my DCs.
In contrast DSIL had her only child at 42 her DM died last year at 79 there's a whole 20 years lost over 2 generations....

I had young parents and I think it’s extremely overrated. My mum was 21 and I think she would have been a much better mother if she wasn’t so young, we don’t speak anymore. I am 31 and thinking of trying for kids soon. I am very glad I enjoyed my youth.

Not necessarily. My parents were young parents but my Dad died at 55, I would have loved to have him longer.

I have been thinking this about grandchildren. My 2 DC are in their early 30s, and have no children yet, they say they may do one day, maybe... Could be 4-5 years yet... I am in my early 60s now, and am afraid that by the time they do decide to have kids I will be too old and infirm to enjoy them/do anything with them/help my DC look after them.

And before people say 'people in their 70s can be perfectly healthy and fit' the fact is that most people will not be super fit and super healthy at that point, and will not be able to deal with small babies/toddlers/small children. Even at just past 60 I feel that I would only just about be OK handling toddlers/small children, but not as well as I perhaps would have 5 years ago. In 5 years time when I'm in my mid to late 60s, I am going to be even less capable/able/useful.

I am also a little sad that I will not see them grow up. If they're not born until I am say, 67-70, I very likely won't see them get to their teens.

I do feel a little tinge of sadness when I see friends and peers (who are roughly my age) playing with and taking out their grandchildren, and taking them for beach days and the like. Some of these friends/peers/acquaintances are a decade younger than me, and have little grandchildren who they take to the park and the beach etc... As I said, I fear I will not experience this. (Until I am too old to enjoy it! Or already shuffled off my mortal coil.) I can't - and would never - expect my DC to pop out a couple of children when they're not ready though, just to let me have a couple of grandchildren to take out now and again.

There are 5 generations of girl and woman in a family near me. Great, great gran (Pat) who is 82, her daughter, great gran (Karen,) who is 63, 2 grans (Karen's 2 daughters) who are 43 and 44, (Alison and Kelly,) then the 2 daughters of Alison and Kelly (1 each) who are 24 and 20, (Emma and Poppy,) then 2 little girls aged 1 and 3 that the 24 year old (Emma) has. (Hannah and Lisa.) Poppy is still single and childfree.

They all live within 20 minutes walk of each other too - in my village. All grew up here... When I see all their holiday and BBQ pics and Christmas celebration pics on Facebook, I can't help but feel pangs of wistfulness and slight envy. I am happy for them, but would love to have a similar set up.

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that. Maybe things aren't as hunky dory and sweet as they make it out to be on Facebook! But how lovely to have such a big extended family, and grandchildren, (and great grandchildren etc,) all close by. Life was like this for me some 40+ years ago when I was much younger, and I would have been the grandchild and great grandchild. Most of my extended family - including my parents and aunts and uncles - are dead now though. Not many of us left!

Yes, but yours was a very specific set of decisions which limited your life choices very early for the sake of having children. I would never have chosen to have children so young or be a SAHP at any age, for instance, and I wouldn't trade one hour of my twenties and thirties. We're all different.

Having children young in no way guarantees you will be a good parent, which is much more important that the number of years you are alive...

Sorry to hear your sister died young but yes
you make some good points.
Having worked in social services and schools I completely agree.

While there were bad parents of all ages I’d actually say more of our worst parents were usually young parents than first time old parents.

I think about some of my friends dads who died when they were 25-ish. I had the pleasure of meeting many of them. Lovely men who have given my friend a great start to life in terms of providing a loving peaceful home.

And then I think of my Dad who is alive a decade later. My Dad is worse than useless. Vile man.

My friends in comparison lucked out with good fathers no matter how short their time with him was.

It’s about quality not quantity.

Me too @LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife.

Much easier for me at 55 to lose my parents than if I'd been 35. A friend of mine lost their mum at that age. Never got to meet her grandchildren or see her DC marry. Friend's children are growing up without grandparents.

Leaving it late is a choice but it isn't as simple as 'waiting until we're financially ready/in the right place in our lives'. There are other costs. Your children having grandparents or a detached house? Hmmm