Clash of expectations

[Threebirdies]

I’ve got 2 grandchildren who I love dearly and think are fab. However they live 3+ hours away so I probably only visit a couple of times a year and then they occasionally used to come here to visit and I would host, cook, entertain etc. We have a lovely time when we do see each other, rather like the times I saw my grandparents as a child (they also lived several hours away) However my DS seems to be increasingly resentful that I’m not a ‘more involved’ grandparent to the extent he’s made it clear he wants ‘all or nothing’ We still work full time on top of significant family caring commitments and don’t have much money, we actually spend more on the grandchildren than each other. It’s very expensive for us to go and visit and I have very little free time as it is. Although if they lived locally it would be much easier to integrate them into weekly activities like Sunday lunch. Ironically the grandchildren seem quite happy with how things are but the DS seems to want to scupper any relationship with them for us not having met his expectations

Ok there’s probably a huge back story here

Because your DS sounds like a dick and that won’t have come out of no where

He sounds really unreasonable. Has he given any indication of what level of involvement he expects from someone who lives so far away? I saw less of my grandmother as a child than that and she lived about half that distance away. Nobody expected her to be massively “involved” from 90 minutes away.

Oh dear.
Does your son always accuse you of neglecting your DGC?
Do you get on with your DIL?

I think he’s always had difficulties and he’s found it harder since he separated from their mother. I do read a lot of similar on MNs though and can’t understand where these expectations of grandparents come from, almost like the default expectation of them now is as a 3rd parent

First drip.

Ok so he’s just recently separated? How often is he with the children?

difficulties with what?

Your DS is being a dickhead.
We live about 3hrs from MiL and about 1.5hrs from my parents. We went to visit PIL 3-4 times a year when DC young, more like 2-3 now, and they would come to us once a year max but not every year. That was a perfectly reasonable level given the distance. A bit more frequent both ways with my parents because distance more manageable. My own level of contact with my own grandparents was similar and they each lived about 2hrs away in opposite directions.

Keep doing what you are doing. You are not being unreasonable.

Is the childrens other set of grandparents perhaps more local to where they live?

What are your other caring responsibilities? Elderly parents or other DGC?

Ah just seen the drip feed.
So what he wants is for you to facilitate a low effort (for him) way of arranging shared care of his kids so that he doesn't have to pay much child maintenance but also doesn't have to actually look after his kids. He'll have heard of other separated men resolving this by getting their mum to do the free childcare and resents that you aren't near enough to do that. What a peach.

And his "all or nothing" stems that if he can't get that high level of free labour out of you he will instead make agreements with the kids" mum that she does 90% of the work and he can just be a disney dad with minimal responsibilities, such that there will be few opportunities for you to be involved.

No not really but much more frequently than we do and I think a much greater level of involvement. I think he struggles as for one reason and another doesn’t have much of a support network where they live and now finds it even more difficult now as a single part time dad. They’ve always been welcome to come here but same issue as us with the cost of travelling and seems to think it’s us who should be fulfilling a role as desperate adoring grandparents making all the effort

We get on great with her, she’s actually really lovely and when they were together they used to come and visit quite often

How often does your DS make the effort to bring the children to see you? It works both ways.

Sorry, I’ve just seen your recent update.
Not very often then!

He has just separated
who’s decision?
how long ago?
how often does he have the children?
and what “difficulties” has he always had?

I think you’ve just explained it perfectly what is actually going on, thank you!!

Is the issue that actually, his life as a single father includes more responsibility for the minutiae of the children than he imagined and he would really ideally like it if you would move house and live close to him so that you could cover/assist with a large chunk of his contact times?

About the same as we do since he separated, although getting less. Generally end up seeing each other about 4 times a year, for us and the grandchildren this has been fine and just how it is when family lives far apart. Obviously if we were the actual parent then would expect much more frequent face to face contact despite the distance but we’re not. If we were retired with plenty of money and no other commitments and good health then no doubt we’d be visiting every other month or so

Maybe but that would be completely impractical with the caring commitments we’ve got here, not to mention the life we’ve got here and would never want to move to that part of the country anyway. My grandparents moved further away and it was absolutely never considered an issue by my parents or cousins parents as back then it was seen that our parents were adults and the GP more than entitled to live and enjoy their own lives. We still never doubted they adored us and were very much felt part of our lives and very much looked forward to the time we did spend together

Op?

No been separated for a little while now, initially his decision, has the children once or twice a week. Just difficulties with relationships, being disappointed with life in general etc :(

For how long does he have them? Is he struggling?

so… separated for weeks? Months? Years?

could he be depressed?

OP.. I am sensing you’re perhaps not very close to him even at the best of times?

We have been close at times, sometimes chatting on the phone for hours several times a week but then no contact or response to messages for weeks

It sounds as if he thinks you should have the children to stay with you during the holidays, when it's his contact time.

Yes possibly, although he gets far more time than I do to relax as it is, but feels like he see’s it as my duty as a grandma 🤷🏼‍♀️

Does he borrow money from you?

Previously but haven’t got anything to lend him now