Struggling with having the children all summer and missing my old life

[itsthere]

I already know some responses won’t be overly sympathetic and I’m not exactly looking for sympathy, but anyone who understands will be appreciated.

I really do love my children and I do my absolute best for them but I have struggled so much this summer. They are with me all the time, they are only young so don’t really tend to ‘just chill out’ in the house or watch films etc and so I either have to entertain them or let them entertain themselves but if I do that it’s never long before someone needs help or wants me to watch something or they lose interest or they fall out.

And I have struggled to be honest, wanting more time for me to do the things I used to enjoy. And then it occurs to me that this is kind of it, that while they’ll get older and hopefully more independent I’m never going to really properly be able to live life as I once did again.

I know I’ll get lots of ‘what did you expect’ comments but so much I miss that I didn’t even know was worthy of missing. Much like you don’t realise you’ll miss a loved one’s tuneless whistling or your mum’s teacup or something. I didn’t really know I’d miss it.

I don’t know why it’s hitting me now, maybe because I am properly on my own without anyone to help. Just seeing if anyone out there understands.

Hi, didn't want to read and run. Solidarity here, can't wait for them to go back to school. What ages are they? Mine are 5 and 9 and things have become easier in the last year, at times.

Mine are 6 next month and 3, so a while to go but I really really hope so! Just feels relentlessly exhausting at the moment.

If they’re on summer holidays won’t you have time to yourself in a week to do things you can enjoy?

Two weeks and I’ll be back at work when they are at school / preschool. I’m not a SAHM but I work term time.

However even this rather misses the point as although this time is nice a few snatched hours isn’t really it - it’s great. But it’s also still ultimately tied down to a schedule and you still have to cook and put to bed and start it all again!

I get it OP. There are some things I miss, like just reading a good book in the morning in silence. That is a thing of the past. Or going for an actual nice forest walk rather than having to make everything a game/race. I’m a fairly quiet and introspective person, and used to have a lot of quiet time myself.
I love my child and want a second but sometimes it’s a lot! The noise is a lot. The constant movement is a lot! Good thing my DH isn’t bothered by any of it 🫠 he loves play and madness and came from a noisy house so loves it all.

Thanks @MoneyFunny . There are many things I love but I just need a bit of a break too … it’s easier with one (not trying to put you off but …!)

I know, we’ve got a bigger age gap because I’ve been umming and ahhing. I wouldn’t have been able to cope with two under a certain age. It’s hard and I think it is a scary thought that life will never be the same, a big loss really, even as you age your children will always need you. That’s how it works, I know this logically as I still need my parents, but still, when reality comes home to roost it’s a bit of a shock

You are not alone. I love my kids but just feeling abit touched out. I cant seem yo get 5 mins. If it does go quiet it tends to mean they are up to something. I used to read lots before kids, take a cup of tea back to bed in the morning. Myhouse was tidy. If i didnt want to cook it was only me so. I miss it, wouldn't change it but over summer it does feel relentless.

I think parenting is way easier and way more enjoyable if you can take some breaks.

It really is @Princessfluffy , it’s just very hard when you don’t get any.

It does get easier in many ways but I think that’s partly what I’m struggling with, that easier doesn’t mean easy

I’m with you op. I also can’t wait for school to start. People who can’t relate are the ones who work and have short bursts with their kids and just do a lot of fun stuff and therefore miss it.

OR they have older kids who are independent.

im a sahm and my kids are very much dependent on me. I think im burnt out as i need time to myself. My dh works a long day and gets home and tries to give me some time but its already almost bedtime for them and im just done for the day.

I'm nearly 70 and still see a LOT of my kids, and now grandkids. But this period you speak of, where you get no free time and someone is always tugging at your legs and whining, and needing you, and everything you to is for them, lasted a tiny percentage of my years. I say this not to minimise your frustration and tiredness and NEED for some me-time, but just to give you hope - it doesn't feel like it now I know - but it really is a very short stage - although I remember it well myself and know it doesn't feel that way at the time!

I feel I may have made things worse, or that I sound smug or something. I really don't mean it that way. My DD is round here every day with her 'two under two' and I can see how hard and unrelenting it is.

Just that, you WILL get your time back, you really will, and it will be for a greater proportion of your life than this one. Which I appreciate is no help or comfort at all at this point ❤

It’s so intense isn’t it. Can you be creative, like play that game where you pretend to be a patient and lie with your eyes closed while they perform some tests on you? Or find activities that they absorb into - the beach was good for mine at that age. But mainly yes, it’s so hard and sad that it’s so hard!

My DC are adults now but a remember the summer holidays as so much work when they were little. How I filled the time..
Went to the park A LOT
Once they were at school there were A LOT of play dates.
We had lots of craft stuff - set them off and leave them to it.
I’d sign them up to some clubs. Next summer your 7 yo can do a club for half a day here and there. There are lots about.
Trampoline in the garden was the best thing ever - maybe next year for the little one. Also a swing.
Before you know it they’ll be teenagers and you’ll never see them.

At this stage I found fake it til you make it the best approach. I had four under 5, I was little miss sunshine and fun for them, it kept everything calm and manageable. It does get better I promise.

@Hellohelga we have a trampoline, no one really seems all that interested in it. Sometimes they’ll go on it for a few minutes but even that’s only once a week maybe. I think they semi forget it is there.

Mine can’t really craft independently - my younger one gets frustrated easily and just shrieks ‘I can’t!’ and the older one will make one mark on a piece of paper and insist it’s all wrong and then want to start again and will want me to draw something impossible and I’ll do it wrong and have a meltdown (him not me, although sometimes …!)

We’ve had a couple of play dates but mostly have met people outside of the house at soft play or something which is good, helps fill the day. The worst days are definitely when I don’t have adult company but unfortunately it’s just not possible every single day.

I’m able to fill the time without any real issue but it feels like such a slog. Today is football followed by shoe shopping followed by a visit to the splash pad, it gets so tiring.

No. Easier doesn't mean easy. My children are late twenties and I never stop thinking/worrying/hoping. Parenthood is a lifetime job !

I hear you but honestly it will get easier with time. When the LO is a bit older they’ll play together. The trampoline probably doesn’t appeal because the LO is a bit small so the OO is playing on his own. Hence the play date idea so he’s got someone his own age for entertainment. Re the craft you need to make it easier. Like potato printing or finger painting, and you’ll need to help the LO. But it is quite fun and really good for developing motor skills, and the more you help them the more independent they will get. But again I found mine preferred it with a friend. I remember one day when DD was much older she had a fashion show with friends where they made clothes out of bin bags, newspaper and sellotape. They were so funny doing their catwalk with their outfits falling apart.

Also go for a walk in the am and collect leaves, flowers, twig and make a collage in the pm. In between hit a cafe for a coffee and ice cream or hot chocolate. That’s the whole day done. Make sure they go to bed early too so you get a rest afterwards. only two weeks to go before school starts OP

Agree with @ApplesinmyPocket — the stage you’re at can feel like a life sentence at the time (I well remember the feeling) but it does pass. By the time they’re all 10 and over there will be long periods of the day when you can get some headspace. When they’re mid-teens they’ll be in their bedrooms or talking to friends. And then a few years later they leave!

I know that description doesn’t fit every child, and absolute hats off to the parents who have to deal with their kids’ needs moment-to-moment for a very long time. But for most of us, that life phase in which you can’t sit down for an hour with a cup of tea and a book only lasts a few years. It just feels like longer 😂

And the worst thing is… one day when you’re sitting in a tidy house, and you have ample headspace, and it’s years since you kissed the top of a toddler’s head or carried a sleepy child to bed… you’ll wish you could be back where you are now. (If you’re anything like me.)

Hang on in there.

It's called life. And just when you think they are grown up and independent they have their own DC and need you to help with childcare eg in the school holidays while they work.....
And then when that phase has passed your own elderly parents need increasing amounts of help and care......
TBH as a bored retiree I now look back on the phase when my children were young with great fondness, undoubtedly the happiest phase of my life. Fortunately I did sort of recognise that at the time. I love seeing the old videos I took of them playing happily in the garden etc.
So I think you need to embrace enjoying your children more now, before you face the often more difficult teen years.

The little kid stage is a LOT, I feel for you.

How quickly it all flips - mine are teenagers now and I value every single second they let me spend with them. I much prefer this stage though, it’s wonderful. Hang in there!

Thanks; at this stage she just won’t - it is frustrating as I know it’s good for motor skills but it leads to so many meltdowns it isn’t worth it. I have to leave that sort of thing to preschool as she won’t do it at home!

At any rate I know it ends. It’s not too bad when I have just the one but that only really happens when the younger one isn’t at preschool and the older one at school.

Can I ask what is it you wish to do? I never really understand this, as I was still able to do whay I wished. Is their father not involved. Do you have family members who can baby sit if not, say for a day and you go off and do what you need for that day?

I don’t have any family members who can babysit and my DH is very sick.

As to what I want to do, it’s mostly really just having a bit more freedom and flexibility.

I know my children aren’t ‘bad’ or even especially demanding compared to many. They sleep, although the younger one sometimes wakes once it’s a minute or so to resettle her, they don’t wake at 5am or anything crazy usually and they go to bed at a reasonable time and sleep in their own beds. They will play independently-ish at soft play or something although there are a lot of coming back to me which is no more than I’d expect.

But I think anyone with very young children will know it gets difficult to take them anywhere that isn’t specially designed for them once they are mobile. I’m meeting friends in a cafe tomorrow and I have to take DD with me; I’ll be armed with sticker books and activities she can do with some help but I know I’ll probably be able to sit for an hour and a half at the most before I have to go. That’s not her fault; she’s three, not many three year olds will sit quietly for hours and hours while mummy talks. So that’s one example.

Then there’s things aimed at adults like going to the cinema or visiting a museum. I’m not saying this is insurmountable; if there was a film I was desperate to watch or a museum I really felt I had to go to I could arrange this, I know, but the spontaneity and the flexibility has gone.

I am (believe it or not) largely OK with this but as the summer draws to an end I am tired and I am feeling a bit tired and generally a bit anxious and fretful about the years to come. I understand a lot of people feel nostalgia for the baby and toddler days and when you look back at a year in a minute I can see why. It’s different when you’re living it and largely without any support.