What to do about Mil and stepdaughter’s relationship.

[Glassandahalf82]

I have been with my husband for 12 years, he has a daughter who is 16, so 4 when me and DH got together.
Not that this matters but the reason my husband and his ex wife (step daughters mum) split is because she had an affair.
Mil was a very good nan when step daughter was little, visited lots and generally had an active part in step daughters life.
Her attitude changed towards me when me and DH got engaged/married when step daughter was 11… Lots of comments about not agreeing with divorce or step parents, I’ve always ignored this. This also coincided with step daughter becoming more independent.. no longer needing lifts to school (mil did this twice a week when SD was in primary)
In the last 5 years she only sees SD at Borthdays/Easter/Christmas and that’s only because me and DH arrange something.
Yet every time I to her she talks about how much she misses SD, always with a passive comment about broken marriage vowels etc. I have told her repeatedly, SD lives 10 minutes away, call her up, take her for a Toby carvery (her fav)
Thjs is always met with.. nope if she cared she’d contact me!
SD got her exam results today and has done brilliantly. Mil knows this but instead of messaging and asking her how’s she’s done or congratulating her she’s messaging me moaning that it’s really selfish of SD to not have called her and let her know how she’s done.
The older SD gets the worse this is going to get. How would you deal with this?
I spoke to my SD mum about this last year and she said she thinks deep down SD is hurt by her nans behaviour.
Also just to be clear there is no weirdness between me and DH and his ex wife and her boyfriend, we all get on really well.

Leave them both to it. Not your problem.

This OP

It probably wouldn’t hurt SD to make an effort with her grandma.

That doesn’t excuse the MIL behaviour but SD could make some effort too, she’s old enough to.

I’m sorry about the comments directed at you about divorce etc. it’s rude and unnecessary and frankly nothing to do with you!

If MIL has made little effort with SD for the past five years then it's little wonder SD is not contacting her GM now. you reap what you sow. MIL seems to be putting all the responsibility of maintaining a relationship on her GD.

It’s just crazy! Even on my stepdaughter’s birthday, she’ll spend the entire day sulking that stepdaughter hasn’t been in touch for her so she can wish her a happy birthday.
Ive tried along with DH to tell her to pick up the phone and call her, me and DH and my stepdaughters mum are at work all day, stepdaughter is at school and now works every Saturday.. Mil is retired, she could easily arrange to pick up her SD and take her home for dinner.

relationships work both ways and your SD should also be making an effort to see or call the grandmother . She’s old enough . Seems they are both stubborn.

Why is she talking to you so much about it and not her son? This doesn't sound like a "you" problem at all!

Well it’s a problem but it’s not your problem.

Some grandmothers aren’t very good grandmothers. It’s just reality.

As an adult I can appreciate the excellent qualities my grandmother has exist in tandem with her faults. That was harder to understand as a child, but you just have to give it time.

Can you just say to her ‘if you’re not prepared to do something about it ie call her, then I’m not prepared to listen to it’?

And I think the effort very much has to come from the MIL. The step daughter was only 11 when contact dropped, it’s not on an 11 year old to maintain a relationship, and with every passing year that becomes more and more normal, the belief that her gran doesn’t really want to spend time with her.

My ils never had my mobile number!
Made for a much nicer life!

What do you think is the root of MIL's behaviour? It seems that she was something of a godsend when your SD was younger. It's strange to go from actively involved and loving to zero. Something has obviously gone wrong somewhere along the line. I do agree with others though, that there's nothing to stop your SD contacted her nan. She's old enough.

I don’t think she is doing anything intentionally nasty, I think she really does love SD. She’s very socially awkward and in general comes across as rude, SIL is the same. They see each other all of the time because they each others only friend.
I should have said in my op that she really upset SD at Christmas with some really shocking comments (think Andrew Tate sort of crap/misogynistic) I wasn’t actually in the room at the time but SD told her to shut up and when I heard what she’d said I think SD was in the right. It’s sad, I’m not sure SD cares enough to make the effort.
SD mum told me she thinks SD is hurt deep down at how it’s turned out and she’s suggested to SD to make more of an effort but she’s nearly 17, nobody can make her.
I think next time mil calls im going to suggest DH tells her the truth. She needs to make more effort or she’s going to lose her granddaughter. I found it shocking today.. SD has worked so hard to get the grades she got in her exams, she deserved a well done from her nan.

My sister went through an odd phase when my DDs were early teens of being upset they never rang her it was always her ringing them. I was like ok how often did you phone our aunties and uncles for a chat??!!
I explained they are kids they will reciprocate when they are older

So she's just generally rather an odd character by the sounds of it.

It's nice to care. But SD is old enough to sort this herself (unless she has any needs you don't mention) and old enough to be grateful for all her nan did, so I can understand her nan pointing out she's selfish.
What I would do it sort out your own situation with MIL-you and your husband. You point out that you didn't break vows-the ex did. And ask why she keeps acting like you're the one at fault. Did she want her son alone forever after his wife cheated? Should have done this years ago really, but don't let it drag on any longer. She doesn't get to accuse you of things you've not done, and if she wasn't aware, that's on your husband, and you. If she did know, then her comments are not acceptable, and stop now.

I think her comments are because she regrets her own life. She spent 50 years with a man who had affair after affair all because she tells her self children are better off with married parents.
Im not around mil enough for her comments to bother me or I’d say something myself.

Not that this matters but the reason my husband and his ex wife (step daughters mum) split is because she had an affair.

so why mention it?

And why would you bothered about an awful woman not wanting a relationship with your SD? Sounds like it’s a blessing she keeps her distance

It is up to your DSD to contact people to tell of exam results.
People feel like it's their news to tell.
Advise DSD to go over to her Nan's and tell her.

You could also invite DSD and MIL out for coffee and cake once a month. Help make it easier for them both to reconnect.

Then leave them to it.

Also just to be clear there is no weirdness between me and DH and his ex wife and her boyfriend, we all get on really well.

again, utterly irrelevant to the issue at hand

so she told her grandmother to shut up . Actually, they both sound as bad as each other .

It’s relevant to the MIL negative comments about OP and her son getting married and his prior marriage ending. He didn’t choose to divorce and his mother being unpleasant about it is hurtful.

Quite a helpful detail in helping to understand the family dynamics.

Just tell her when she starts on that you don’t want to hear any more about it! SD is. Child and mil is an adult so if she wants to see her she needs to get off her arse and make an effort and the current situation is all mil fault!!

Her grandmother said that women shouldn’t be able to report historical sexual abuse, they should do it when it happens or keep it to themselves, pretty gross thing to say… She deserved the shut up.