What to do about Mil and stepdaughter’s relationship.

[Glassandahalf82]

I have been with my husband for 12 years, he has a daughter who is 16, so 4 when me and DH got together.
Not that this matters but the reason my husband and his ex wife (step daughters mum) split is because she had an affair.
Mil was a very good nan when step daughter was little, visited lots and generally had an active part in step daughters life.
Her attitude changed towards me when me and DH got engaged/married when step daughter was 11… Lots of comments about not agreeing with divorce or step parents, I’ve always ignored this. This also coincided with step daughter becoming more independent.. no longer needing lifts to school (mil did this twice a week when SD was in primary)
In the last 5 years she only sees SD at Borthdays/Easter/Christmas and that’s only because me and DH arrange something.
Yet every time I to her she talks about how much she misses SD, always with a passive comment about broken marriage vowels etc. I have told her repeatedly, SD lives 10 minutes away, call her up, take her for a Toby carvery (her fav)
Thjs is always met with.. nope if she cared she’d contact me!
SD got her exam results today and has done brilliantly. Mil knows this but instead of messaging and asking her how’s she’s done or congratulating her she’s messaging me moaning that it’s really selfish of SD to not have called her and let her know how she’s done.
The older SD gets the worse this is going to get. How would you deal with this?
I spoke to my SD mum about this last year and she said she thinks deep down SD is hurt by her nans behaviour.
Also just to be clear there is no weirdness between me and DH and his ex wife and her boyfriend, we all get on really well.

I applaud her for countering it, then. She needs a little guidance on being more articulate in those situations but no one should criticize her for being vocal in her disgust.

Some people don’t actually know how to build/keep relationships and won’t or can’t put themselves out there.It’s easy when children are little because other people are responsible for arrangements and little kids are pretty open and easy. If you’re there, you’re part of their world.

The downside is they have no idea how to cope when the kids grow up and they have their own lives and interests. They see the lack of communication as rudeness,a personal affront, not caring etc. and don’t realise the child just mirrors back their own behaviour and what they grew up with/got used to. Then they bemoan the lack of relationship. A relationship that never really existed in the true sense of the word.

At her age I’d have expected her to respond in an adult manner, to discuss, probe, explain

not say “shut up” to her grandma.

The fact she did… is a little revealing about her.

how come you felt the need to tell us that but the reason my husband and his ex wife (step daughters mum) split is because she had an affair. or that you get on with your husband’s ex?

Why you’d be keen to push for a relationship with someone such as your MIL and how you describe her is strange

I’d bet it’s because if she hadn’t said that the first dozen replies would be “were you the OW?”

My mil recognised she wouldn't see kids when they hit high school so she started picking them up from sxhool one day a week and doing tea for them. They really late teens now and still head over to their nans for dinner on that day.

Adults have to make the effort with teens

It even if she was… it literally has nothing to do with the issue at hand

She’s the adult, she needs to be the adult and arrange something with her.

She loved it when your step daughter was young enough to dote on her, as little ones do. I’ve seen it before in real time when the kids get past that stage, the adults are miffed that they’re not automatically doted on just for existing and can’t make the switch to having to put more effort in and be more creative about spending time together.

I wouldn’t get remotely involved in this. Don’t respond to these messages from MIL. If they are whining about DSD just ignore them. Or if you are brave enough you tell her you won’t be responding and don’t want to get dragged into it.

You'd expect a 16 year old to act like an adult and discuss and explain when her grand mother tells her women shouldn't report rape unless they do it straight away? I think shut up is a pretty reasonable and measured response to anyone spouting Tate-isms such as that.

It doesn't sound like the DSD is missing out at all on the relationship with this woman. She sounds spiteful and bitter. There might be reasons for this, but those are for her to sort out, not for a 16 year old girl to subjected to.

Yes, it would be nice if DSD reached out more but she shouldn’t be held to a higher standard than MIL. I wouldn’t be tolerating any self-indulgent whinging about how hard done by she is when she isn’t bothering to try and rectify the situation because “she shouldn’t have to”. She’s being ridiculously childish and the only one missing out is her.

“You are an adult, she is a child. It’s your responsibility to lead by example. If you want a relationship with her then stop throwing it away out of stubbornness, and stop whinging that she hasn’t taken the first step when you haven’t either”.

Every time she complains after that “I’m not engaging with this again. You know what to do if you want to see her.” and change the subject.

She phoned me again today, initially about some garden furniture but managed to drop in some moaning that step daughter still hasn’t called blah blah blah. I told her she’s out celebrating tonight but she’s at home now so call her or pop round there with a bunch of flowers!
Im going to tell DH to tell her the truth, make the effort or lose out.
The comments at Christmas about not reporting rape were disgusting and DH told her this. She does seem to love pissing people off, she’s been told repeatedly not to keep banging on about immigration… nobody agrees ma with her and it’s as an example Christmas Day! I don’t know why she behaves like this, weird.

If posters don't give these details then they will be subject to a pile on, on here. I suspect you know this already as you are having a little go yourself.

MIL is not behaving like a grandmother should. It is up to her to make a fuss of her granddaughter, contact her, and encourage the relationship. I would stay well out of it, she sounds like a self-absorbed drama queen.