How can I stop losing patience with my well-meaning mother?

[BooBadoo]

I’m fortunate in that my mother isn’t a narcissist, abusive, etc etc. which makes me feel guiltier about the situation!

I am, by nature, impatient and need to overcome this. It especially comes out in discussions or disagreements with my mother. She is, fundamentally, a lovely person but just… clueless. In a way that I find totally irritating.

E.g. today she asked if the baby’s nappies were recyclable. Like, what??? A used nappy? I wasted some time explaining that used nappies are not now and never have been recyclable. The conversation ended on a sour note and I hate when that happens. This was a minor thing really, but the little things make up life and it would be so much better to have good-humoured conversations when we meet up.

I don’t know why she’s so clueless! She had a professional career and speaks multiple languages. She can be very wise and helpful. I don’t know if it’s the start of cognitive decline or if she just doesn’t put in the effort to think things through before speaking.

I would hate for my baby to quarrel with me like I do with my mother. I’m sure she is upset by it too. I try to apologise every time and my mother always says it’s fine, she understands I’m stressed etc.

I need to get my act together but I have no idea where to start!

has anyone else overcome this issue or at least improved their attitude?

Well cloth nappies are recyclable as in you wash them and reuse.

Agree. I used terry nappies

i was in the middle of changing the baby and it was clearly a disposable nappy. She was asking if I would throw it in the recycling bin

Just say “sure”

Its the only way I can cope with my own Mothers bonkers questions that she asks me. Shes not listening to the answer anyway so its all just meaningless nonsense

This could be the start of cognitive decline as you say. My mum is similar and asks the most stupid questions, she was also a professional well educated woman but as she has got older I have noticed a decline. I also get very irritated and I am trying my best to have more patience with her but sometimes I have to be brutal to actually get her to do sometbing simple like eat! I dont have the answer as I also feel terrible sometimes.

Sometimes I think part of my irritation is suppressed worry about her declining. I keep asking her to get her hearing checked and she insists the problem is that I mumble too much, but in conversations with other people it’s sometimes obvious that she can’t 100% follow their speech but everyone else is too polite to say as much

How old is she that you are worrying about her cognitive decline ? 80?

Early 70s so maybe I’m getting ahead of it a bit. It’s such a scary thought though.

she’s still active socially and physically so hopefully that’s all protective.

There are women in their early 70s still working.
You say she's wise and helpful.
You haven't given any other examples of her cognitive decline except the nappy incident, so perhaps you are overthinking this.

There are but considering 83 is the average lifespan it’s not bonkers to suggest someone only 10 years earlier is losing their sharpness a bit.

It sounds like you might be irritated because it’s less upsetting to feel cross that she’s being silly, than to acknowledge that she’s slower than she used to be. We want our parents to be invulnerable, or at least to remain how we think of them as being.

Sometimes I find I do this too. It’s mean of me. And it doesn’t help. Figuring out what my irritation was civering up, helped me do it less.

you didn’t need to waste her or your time explaining this. ‘Nope, wrong type of plastic, mum’ would have done fine.

Honestly I think you are being a touch harsh. If she raised babies with terry nappies she may be clueless about disposables and may assume that, given the amount of waste they create, there must be some way of recycling them. Perhaps she just spoke without thinking it through, I think it is a bit of a leap to start questioning her cognitive function.

How did you respond, and did she accept you answer? I'm struggling to see how this could have needed more than you saying, "Nope, unfortunately not" and her saying "Ah, ok".

People ask stupid questions sometimes, and I’m not sure why you got in such a tizz about this one. She wasn’t arguing with you or telling you off for using them, right ? Why did you have to say anything other than ´no they aren’t unfortunately ‘.

No. But I don't think the nappy question is a good example.
This whole thing seems over dramatic.
I ask stupid questions sometimes if I am tired.

I agree with that tbf. The nappy question was just a question, not a particularly stupid one.

My mother was like this by her early-mid 70s. Asking daft questions, being a bit confused by everyday things, becoming anxious and indecisive. In amidst long stretches of being her usual whip-smart and erudite self. Then having little car accidents and denying them. Eventually there were bizarre behavioural changes: taking up drinking in secret, binge eating clementines and popcorn. Staying up late at night and sleeping during the day.

It was cognitive decline, caused by asymptomatic heart failure, which had been slowly depriving her brain of oxygen over several years. She died of cardiac arrest at 77.

I am always baffled by people on MN who think that just because they’re hale and hearty and fully compos mentis at 70-odd that literally everyone should be, and that it’s somehow insulting to suggest that age-related changes happen as one ages.

Your mother needs to get her hearing checked quickly. Not being able to hear properly can really really feel isolating, also it’s one of the things mentioned by the Alzheimer’s society as important in staving off dementia

I am not 70!
It's just baffling that one not particularly stupid question apparently deserves so much drama.
But maybe a hearing test would be wise.

Why is it your mum that’s deficient? You are acting like a child with her. Would recognising that help you be more patient?

It was an example of a pattern, not just the one question.

OP, I agree that your DM should get her hearing checked as that has an impact on cognitive functioning.

But the question about getting irritable - could you practise a kind of inward loving-kindness towards your mother? When you meet her, silently wish her all good things, health and happiness? To already prime yourself for tolerance?

You could also try to make a joke or laugh about these oddities (either inwardly, or with her).

Does the cluelessness have a more positive flipside that you could focus on? Like, is she very creative or good at blue-sky thinking? Is she a kind of dreamer?

Could you take a deep breath when something irritates you and have a kind of mantra that you repeat, like 'she means well'.

When it’s a significant change from how your parent has always been, though, and it persists over time, and you begin to notice it changing your relationship, that’s when it becomes a cause for concern and not just ‘drama’

I have found my dd behaving like that - I initially cut her some rope, it upset me but I wanted to support her but eventually it became so upsetting that I actually started to dislike her and I started to put my foot down. I stopped tolerating her intolerances. Our relationship has changed - it’s on her, I’m not a punch bag and I don’t tolerate any of it now - I expect she thinks that my fault - it is what is it, her smart ass comments have no place in my head.

I don’t think this is unreasonable- lots of things have become recyclable

It doesn’t really seem like something to get upset about. I think I would have just laughed and said, “No, Mum, they’re not recyclable. Neither are tampons.” It’s not a completely daft question, but even if it were, it’s not a big deal.

I was also sometimes impatient with my mother, and always sorry afterwards, because I know I could have been more understanding.
She is dead now, too late for me to make amends.
Those of you who still have mothers, maybe knowing that they won't be around forever could help with having more patience.