How can I stop losing patience with my well-meaning mother?

[BooBadoo]

I’m fortunate in that my mother isn’t a narcissist, abusive, etc etc. which makes me feel guiltier about the situation!

I am, by nature, impatient and need to overcome this. It especially comes out in discussions or disagreements with my mother. She is, fundamentally, a lovely person but just… clueless. In a way that I find totally irritating.

E.g. today she asked if the baby’s nappies were recyclable. Like, what??? A used nappy? I wasted some time explaining that used nappies are not now and never have been recyclable. The conversation ended on a sour note and I hate when that happens. This was a minor thing really, but the little things make up life and it would be so much better to have good-humoured conversations when we meet up.

I don’t know why she’s so clueless! She had a professional career and speaks multiple languages. She can be very wise and helpful. I don’t know if it’s the start of cognitive decline or if she just doesn’t put in the effort to think things through before speaking.

I would hate for my baby to quarrel with me like I do with my mother. I’m sure she is upset by it too. I try to apologise every time and my mother always says it’s fine, she understands I’m stressed etc.

I need to get my act together but I have no idea where to start!

has anyone else overcome this issue or at least improved their attitude?

Could your reaction be less about the silliness of her question than your feeling of guilt about throwing nappies into landfill?

That’s not a judgement from my point of view, just a perspective.

I was constantly irritable with my mother, despite loving her and missing her when we were apart. Then she died suddenly and I've spent over 12 years now wishing I had been different. I hope you can change how you interact with her so you don't have the regrets I have.

I'm not meaning to minimize the risk of cognitive decline going on as well given the hearing issue, but you do sound a bit unfairly harsh in your opinion of the question itself. Loads of things that "never have been" recyclable actually now are. Many councils now collect food bins, so that's already a very dirty thing (rotting food) newly being collected by councils for a form of recycling (into compost or energy). The general way things are going with recycling is that more and more things can be recycled as the years go by, and councils are constantly trying to reduce waste. It's not completely illogical to ask if there's now some way to recycle disposable nappies.

So the nappy thing was just one recent example, I didn’t want the post to be a sprawling list of odd comments and actions. It didn’t end in a big argument or anything dramatic, it was a conversation that I could have handled better. Each individual incident is like that, a small thing that probably wouldn’t be worth a second thought if it were the ONLY time but I feel like I act this way often and it’s not right.

I do see that I might be taking minor comments too seriously and over explaining and then feeling frustrated about over explaining when no one asked me to do so, that’s a fair point people have made.

I also have sympathy for everyone who has lost their mother and has regrets about the relationship. That’s a hard thing to live with

E.g. today she asked if the baby’s nappies were recyclable. Like, what??? A used nappy? I wasted some time explaining that used nappies are not now and never have been recyclable. The conversation ended on a sour note and I hate when that happens.

Jesus. A simple no would suffice in this instance. Times have changed since her time with nappies.

You can only control your end of the conversation and you sound unreasonably wound-up and snappy. Stop explaining things. It's patronising.

A few things stood out to me.

Behaviour - you gave an explanation where only an answer was requested. This is a poor choice in the moment, and you could get help to understand why you choose this.

Emotion - you describe being generally worried about her declining, and you make judgemental comments about how she used to be professional etc. You could get help to understand your feelings about ageing, illness, loss etc.

Underlying issue - you refer to her saying she understands you are stressed. You could do things to reduce stress in the short and longer term.