Is it common for only one sibling to hold parents' power of attorney?

[larkandowl]

We are a small family and we are close to my husband's parents and his only sibling, a sister.

She has, up until fairly recently, not been working, although a couple of years ago she took over some of her elderly father's bookkeeping for a small company he still was running (or rather, his staff was running). Still only a maximum of 1–2 days' work per week.

As such, she became the go-to person for their parents in terms of sorting admin out and taking them to medical appointments, although we have helped too. Me, as daughter-in-law, especially with some of the medical stuff, but also occasionally taking them to appointments. To add, my husband works incredibly long hours, so I'm his proxy, but I also have an elderly dad who needs a lot of support. In fact, probably more help over the last 10 years than my sister-in-law has had to provide to her parents until very recently.

Long story short-ish. My in-laws, in particular one, are getting more poorly. The wife has severe dementia and needs to go into a home, we think, soon. They probably need to downsize either way, and may look for 24-hour care at home for the wife.

Just found out that my sister-in-law has very recently also got POA for medical decisions (she had it for finance before). My husband is not on either.
We do trust each other and have always been close, but I would have thought it would be good to have a second person on the POA, in case something happens to the other?

My sister-in-law is keeping us informed about decisions and medical matters, but we have no idea how much money the parents have, as she is in the meetings with the financial adviser, so we can't help advise.

But is it quite common for one sibling to be the only POA named? We all live very close to each other.

In our situation, the sibling who is mostly closely involved in our patents’ lives has POA for everything, and all the other siblings have POA only if that sibling is unavailable or incapacitated. I don’t remember the exact wording. It makes sense when one lives nearby and gives day-to-day support to them and the others live more distantly or are less involved for whatever reason.

Yes that makes sense, but my husband is not even down as the 'back up' or whatever it is called. What happens if suddenly his sister gets ill or is unable to carry out her role as attorney when there is no back up?

We still help with stuff around their house sometimes, get involved with some of the legal/medical insurance stuff.

The sister is doing a great job and we are extremely appreciative.

It should be said that my husband's parents have always helped her more with childcare when they were a bit younger. Also, when she helps her parents with shopping they usually pay for her food too (online deliveries) and other things like that so.

We absolutely support this as she does more of the lion's share, but she does get little extras as thanks for her help (she would of course help anyway, we know that, but for context).

Same in our family but its done more so on favouritism. They did not ever make the effort to welcome the sons and their families, grandkids included, into their daily lives so the favourite daughter and her kids who have benefitted from all sorts including child care and school runs for years from them is the favourite. It is what it is, and its sad state of affairs. They pushed the 2 sons out, the mil seems to think once the boys marry then its on them to get on with it with the wives. I have zero relationship with my in laws. I keep my distance completely. That was after years of stupid hurtful nonsense comments from mil, I think she is not all there...

There is nothing worse when you are dealing with all the crap of elderly parents than a ‘proxy’ SIL wanting to get involved. It just adds another layer of stress. Either trust her to get on with it, or let your DH do the communicating. Yes, he works long hours, but it’s his family, and he shouldn’t be farming out the difficult conversations to you.

Perfectly normal for us, I have 2 siblings, one very distant from all the family, despite living a few streets away from one sibling.

My older sibling has POa for DF as they lived a couple of streets away so were more involved, I live a 2 hr round trip away. However, they then had to make the tough decision for DF (who lived alone) to go into a dementia care home. They have told me straight they are not getting POa for DM and I need to do it, I don’t blame them, I don’t actually want the responsibility so have yet to sort.

I think each family works things out the best way they can. Whichever way is hard.

I am equal POA with a sibling but in terms of day to day the sibling has more to do because I don’t have a UK phone number. Banks and healthcare want a contact number 00 is an auto “no”.

Don’t let this stop you from doing as much as you can to support the whole family

I think it’s fine.

I have it for my parents because it’s easier, my brother is first reserve so to speak, that’s on the paperwork

It sounds entirely logical for SIL to be attorney. She is willing to do it, she has the time, she has been dealing with the PILs affairs for years already.

As your DH is working such long hours to the extent you have often been his 'proxy', there would be little point him being an attorney. He would not be available to carry out the work needed and you certainly would not be able to act as his proxy.

I was attorney for my mother for ten years, there is a lot of work involved and it isn't a lot of fun. Be grateful SIL has volunteered and is able to do it.

I don’t think you will be able to get POA now anyway. You have to do the paperwork while you still have competency. I think that this is not widely understood. By the time you need to enact it is too late to start making applications.

My parents were healthy 80 year olds when we did the paperwork. We needed to enact it when they were in their 90s. I am grateful for their foresight

Perfectly normal as pps have said, my brother was PoA for our parents as he was much closer and in the front line.

Recent discussions with our solicitor about our own PoA seemed to imply that you couldn't just have a backup, if there were 2 PoAs then they both had to be active and in agreement on decisions, so your OH or you couldn't just sit back as alternates.

Well that is the thing. We don't want to change things as such as she's doing a good job but she is asking us to make more phone calls and help now.

But he's not even first reserve. What happens if for some reason sibling is away - not sure my husband can even speak to medical staff strictly without being named?

We are very happy to help, and as mentioned, I have care responsibilities of my own.

But I just don't know what would happened if the sister became ill or died. Who would be able to act then?

Yes but are you not the 'replacement attorney' if your brother became incapacitated or died?

This is a conversation your DH needs to be having with his parents and his sister, not delegating it to you although your concerns are valid.

Joint PoA is possible, and should be set up saying that both attorneys need to be in agreement.

My sister and I were set up as joint PoAs for my parents (financials only). I activated mine when our mother needed help to operate her bank account.

In your current situation, if SIL was rendered incapable of operating the finances then I believe your DH would need to apply to the Office of the Public Guardian for deputyship, which I think goes via the courts and is much more expensive than setting up PoA. When I set up PoA, once for my parents and once for my DH, I think it cost about £90 each time. Applying for deputyship is much more expensive.

Encourage DH to do this, but don't get involved in the conversations yourself.

Yes and that might be why the sibling wanted to act quickly before a diagnosis.
But I just find it a bit odd that she didn't say anything upfront, just after the fact.
And my husband is not even replacement attorney if sibling should become incapacitated.

In my family, my sibling and I are both POA for medical and finances. There has always been a little bit of rivalry with regards to money so it is being done equally. I live 90 mins away from the rest of my family but I have the more logical sensible head. My sibling will rush into bad decision but is more local so my parents have chosen both of us to ensue the best decisions are made. My parents have also rewritten their wills recently and told us both to read them so we understand everything included. This meant we could ask questions about anything that was in legal speak.

We are grateful, but just thought what would happen if sibling becomes incapacitated or is away on holiday when FIL is in hospital.
We did think he would at least be named as a 'back up', replacement attorney.
I've got POA for my mother - it's not that much work tbh.

Agree with others
It makes sense your SIL is POA as she has more contact and has and is more involved

If for any reason she becomes incapacitated there would need to be a discussion moving forward but I’m guessing that’s rare

Great advice. No I'm not going to have the conversation although my MIL and SIL talk to me more than my husband!

As I said, we trust her implicitly but just thought it might be a good idea to have some sort of back up, in case sister can't attend or do something. E.g. if she's away on holiday and parent ends up in hospital, strictly speaking my husband currently can't act on their behalf legally?

But if the POA is already done I don't know you can amend it, you'd have to apply for new ones which is tricky if the dementia is deteriorating.

This is what we have for ourselves.
We have 2, but one is likely to do most of the work.

Parents are no longer with us, as far as I can remember I wasn't, perhaps my SIL was. We were in our 50s then, so probably still in denial about our own potential incapacity.

I have POA for both my parents, not my brother. I’m not sure he’s given it a second thought really, I’m the oldest so it seemed natural. It doesn’t mean that I’d make any decisions without his input.

Could your OH speak with his sister and suggest he should be added to the paperwork as a reserve option if she became ill? That seems a neutral request that should not cause any upset.

The set-up is not a particular problem as it is as you all trust her; but on a practical level there does need to be back-up.

The only strange thing is that this was not discussed when it was first set up.

All 3 of my AC are on my PofA.

The parents would need to agree , and sign, as it’s them that have signed over POA