How do I handle my MIL's constant comments about everyone’s weight?

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My MIL is obsessive over her own weight as well as everyone else’s and it’s really getting me down as every conversation seems to be about weight. Either she’s started some new diet that will never work long term or she’s commenting on someone else’s. This has been going on for quite a few years but has seemed worse more recently. She also seems obsessed with what everyone is eating - or what they are not eating.

I am a couple stone overweight and I know this, I’m not in denial and know it help me health and confidence wise but it’s not at the point I’m obsessive. Going back a few years ago, after the first lockdown she told me that most people admitted to ICU with Covid are obese young females, looking me up and down. I bit my tongue at the time but it really upset me, not because she commented on my weight but because she knew I had significant health anxiety at the time after losing a relative of mine. I wasn’t in a good place, her comment which I know was inaccurate, made me think I was going to die of Covid. FYI, I’ve since got help and had therapy and on medication to help my anxiety levels. I’ve also got an under active thyroid which doesn’t help me situation regarding weight. She’s constantly asking me when I’m starting slimming world again / for context I went about 10 years ago, did lose weight but didn’t find the plan sustainable long term.

as for dp, he’s always been very slim, she used to call him ‘too skinny’ a few years ago, in more recent years he’s gained a couple stone - but still well within a healthy range and hasn’t gone up a clothes size - he just fills them up a bit more but she taps his stomach saying how he’s gained weight. He literally cannot win!

as for, teenage ds , not her bio grandchild as I already had ds when I met dp, he’s autistic and has suffered from poor MH, which lead to comfort eating and weight gain which we are working on without making him feel bad about himself, things are in a better place now and we’ve done everything to help him. But every time she visits she brings up his weight. A professional told us it wasn’t all about losing weight, but making sure he doesn’t gain anymore and ‘flattening the curve’ but mil thinks she knows better.

as for dd she’s a pre teen, she went through a little belly stage and now she’s had a growth spurt she looks more leaner but mil kept saying oh don’t you look like you’ve lost weight compared to what you used to be. We’ve never put much focus on her weight here, but she made us feel bad when dd needed clothes bigger than her actual age - but this is more to do with her height, she is pretty tall!

this is just a few examples. She also told her own daughter not to eat any bad food during pregnancy so she’d only gain baby weight!

she just seems to have so many opinions!

also mil is far from slim herself, and her partner is quite overweight - not that is my business but honestly it’s so frustrating!

You need DP on board and really he needs to handle this. Saying something next time like “hi, just so you know we’re really concerned with your obsession over weight, I think you need to see someone because you literally tak about nothing else, and as a family we’re not linger going to be hearing about it, so please note if you bring up weight we will be asking you to change the conversation and if you don’t we will be leaving / asking you to leave”
my mother is the same and it’s one of 50 reasons in I no longer speak to her, and I’m not overweight myself but have had terrible body image issues for years due this attitude when I was growing up and the constant negativity and judgement of others.

My own mother (well step mother but she brought me up) was like this. I grew up obsessed by my weight, knew the calories of every single food item and it lead to a lifetime of disordered eating and thinking I’m overweight when I was around 8 stone.

She started commenting on my dds weight when she was A BABY and exclusively breast fed!!! 😡
I looked her in the eye and said “We do not talk about weight or body shape in this house, stop now”. She never brought it up again!

Say something now, for the sake of your children.

I think you need to set a boundary with your DH on board as others have said.
The longer you let her continue in this vein the more damage and ongoing upset she is causing you and the children.
Importantly setting a boundary will let her know that it is her issue, her preoccupation and limitation. It sounds as though she has an eating disorder or at the very least an unhealthy distorted relationship with food and her body. None of these problems should be imposed or shared with others.

I don't have any advice, but feel for you - I was in a medically induced coma for 10 days- one of my mum's comments was 'maybe this will give her some encouragement to lose some weight'. I am 5'10 and was a size 16 and it was not a weight issue that I was admitted for. Same mother bought chocolates and cakes for me when I got home!
Another classic was - You're better off in here - it's really hot outside - at that point I couldn't talk but the glare she got said it all.

I blame you and your DH for subjecting your children to this to be honest. You are allowing it to keep happening.

I’d say you are under reacting. She is being very very rude.

One more polite conversation when you explain your reasoning one last time and then you are fully entitled to walk away each time or be very blunt in return.

I don’t think this is the right approach as the OP’s MiL doesn’t need to know if it’s upsetting (and that may be the goal of the comments anyway). She just needs to know it won’t be tolerated anymore. The best approach is to be blunt, when she starts saying something about weight etc I’d stop what you’re doing, hold her gaze and say very definitely and calmly,

‘I don’t want any more talk about anybody’s weight, body shape or eating. If the subject keeps coming up then we will manage it by seeing less of you’.

I agree with everyone who says get your DH on board because he needs to deliver the same direct message to her. Each time she starts hold up your hand and say, ‘as I’ve already said, I won’t be engaging in conversations about weight, body shape and eating’.

I wouldn’t be letting her have too much time alone with your children, especially your DD as it sounds like she will be particularly focussed on her and she has the potential to do a great deal of damage with talk of dieting and endlessly equating slimness with higher human value. There are enough warped messages out there but the ones coming from important family members are likely to stick because they usually send the messages from a young age and they’re coming from someone important to the young person.

My parents were like this and in fact the last thing my father ever said to me was “OnlyHas - have you seen the size of your backside?!”. He was in a hospice bed for respite with COPD, alcoholism and morbid obesity from a lifetime of smoking, drinking and overeating!

He and my mother had done it all my life apart from when I was briefly anorexic and then I was too thin. They also started on my kids about their weight (all slim!). So I told him I was sick of his nasty comments and not to speak to me in front of my kids like that and I cut contact.

Call her out on it now before she damages your kids. I still suffer the effects of the abuse.

I wouldn’t let my children be around negative comments about weight. I’d have to have the conversation with mil, and say if we are at yours we will just all leave but if you come over to ours and do make comments about weight, I will need you to leave immediately. I do not allow that kind of comment around my children. Words you may use are healthy fit strong energetic and words that are ok around food are delicious healthy nutritious nourishing etc. I do not want to hear fat, overweight, weight, diet , heavy , lose weight, pounds, regime, fattening, obese or anything similar. I won’t be tolerating oh I didn’t realise that word was fat shaming or weight focused. I recognise this is a huge change for you so suggest you take a couple of weeks to think through all the unkind things you must stop saying if you wish to spend any time with us.

Tell her to sod off

It is not. My mum is exactly that age and one of the very very few times I’ve seen her pissed off is when an aunt told me at 18 that I’d put on weight. My parents never ever discussed anyone’s weight.

'Let's not talk about weight anymore. So many other interesting things we could discuss.'

My MIL was like this. Now exMIL but still like it! She outright called me fat when I was pregnant (6 months)!

Honestly, I think you have to say this and repeat it to her every time she brings it up. You need her son on your side with it. You need to be really firm. She won't like it but hard cheese.

Another vote for this being largely a generational thing (not that that's an excuse. My mother (70) will often comment on people's weight if she thinks they're too fat or thin. She was very slim until children, then had struggled with her weight for the last 40 odd years (also not helped with an emotionally abusive marriage where her weight was weapinsed against her).
Honestly, I think us millennials who grew up with awful body image teenage issues started bucking the trend of body shaming.

My mum made a comment about my daughter's weight a couple of months ago that I shut down incredibly quickly and has seemed to have taken it onboard and behaved herself since. I think addressingly it promptly and sharply is the best way to communicate a zero tolerance approach to weight comments to let people know what passed as acceptable 30+ years ago won't be tolerated now.

I’d be saying I am not prepared to have any conversation about my weight or the weight of my kids. If she does it at her house you leave. If she does it at your house you ask her to leave and she doesn’t come back until you are assured that it won’t happen again.

I think your DP should call MIL and tell her that you don’t want her to talk/ comment about weight of anybody. He shouldn’t argue with her or whatever, just deliver the message and then if she does it in a phone call, tell her that you don’t talk about weight, bye and end the call.
If she comments when she sees you, use same approach, say politely: we don’t talk about weight, it’s rude. And then leave.
The main thing keep it short, calm and polite but follow it every time.
Try to see her somewhere else a few times at first so you will have chance to leave.

… she’s going to give your kids a complex. When she comments on their weight be nasty back and shout at her. A sharp shock is needed.

As others have said, the only way to end this is to call her out on this Every Single Time! Be calm be consistent. She will eventually get the message. She will talk about your new found boundary. She won’t like you doing it, but do it, each and every time.
Suggested script:
MIL, i’ve mentioned this before, and I'm very serious about it. I won't engage in conversations about my weight or anyone else's, especially in front of my daughter. If it comes up again, I'll change the subject or leave the conversation/leave your house.
if she continues or says I’m only trying to help etc just say:
I understand that's how you see it. I'm still asking that we don't comment on people's bodies.
This is a hill I will die on, so I would probably add that, it’s not something this generation of parents talk about, as previous generations ended up in diet yo-yo loops, with mental health issues surrounding weight, and you will be damned if your daughter is given these bad habits…but I’m a bit of a cow.

How about 'shut your face fatso' or not, maybe just be assertive and say 'we don't want to hear anymore of your unsolicited opinions on our weight' and then offer her a doughnut.

I'd firmly tell her that she's right, you do need to shed around 200lbs of dead weight...then block her and cut her off and never see her again. If your DH wants his relationship with her to continue he can go visit her but she is utterly toxic!

My mum (78) is a bloody obsessive nightmare about food and weight too - her own and everyone else's. Solidarity.