How do I handle my MIL's constant comments about everyone’s weight?

[User3627282646322244]

My MIL is obsessive over her own weight as well as everyone else’s and it’s really getting me down as every conversation seems to be about weight. Either she’s started some new diet that will never work long term or she’s commenting on someone else’s. This has been going on for quite a few years but has seemed worse more recently. She also seems obsessed with what everyone is eating - or what they are not eating.

I am a couple stone overweight and I know this, I’m not in denial and know it help me health and confidence wise but it’s not at the point I’m obsessive. Going back a few years ago, after the first lockdown she told me that most people admitted to ICU with Covid are obese young females, looking me up and down. I bit my tongue at the time but it really upset me, not because she commented on my weight but because she knew I had significant health anxiety at the time after losing a relative of mine. I wasn’t in a good place, her comment which I know was inaccurate, made me think I was going to die of Covid. FYI, I’ve since got help and had therapy and on medication to help my anxiety levels. I’ve also got an under active thyroid which doesn’t help me situation regarding weight. She’s constantly asking me when I’m starting slimming world again / for context I went about 10 years ago, did lose weight but didn’t find the plan sustainable long term.

as for dp, he’s always been very slim, she used to call him ‘too skinny’ a few years ago, in more recent years he’s gained a couple stone - but still well within a healthy range and hasn’t gone up a clothes size - he just fills them up a bit more but she taps his stomach saying how he’s gained weight. He literally cannot win!

as for, teenage ds , not her bio grandchild as I already had ds when I met dp, he’s autistic and has suffered from poor MH, which lead to comfort eating and weight gain which we are working on without making him feel bad about himself, things are in a better place now and we’ve done everything to help him. But every time she visits she brings up his weight. A professional told us it wasn’t all about losing weight, but making sure he doesn’t gain anymore and ‘flattening the curve’ but mil thinks she knows better.

as for dd she’s a pre teen, she went through a little belly stage and now she’s had a growth spurt she looks more leaner but mil kept saying oh don’t you look like you’ve lost weight compared to what you used to be. We’ve never put much focus on her weight here, but she made us feel bad when dd needed clothes bigger than her actual age - but this is more to do with her height, she is pretty tall!

this is just a few examples. She also told her own daughter not to eat any bad food during pregnancy so she’d only gain baby weight!

she just seems to have so many opinions!

also mil is far from slim herself, and her partner is quite overweight - not that is my business but honestly it’s so frustrating!

I have a family member who’s fixated on weight. She’s constantly in a diet. And I don’t see her very often, maybe three times a year, and when I do she just had to bring up my weight. I’ve always been on the upper end of my healthy bmi, but I became seriously unwell and lost a lot of weight unintentionally. Saw family member and she was praising my weight loss, saying how great I looked. I lost it with her and told her I’m not interested in diets/weight/ or how anyone looks. I’m just glad to be alive!. She soon shut up. I think sometimes you just have to be very blunt. I’d be fuming if anyone talked about my dd body shape

I have issues with my weight and my mum just completely shuts down any conversation about weight and says ‘no weight talk’ and ignores me. So you could try that 😂 it works. And I understand where she’s coming from because I don’t really want to be talking or thinking about it either

Just thought I’d add I don’t talk about other peoples weight just my own

My mother is the same and always has been!
She comments when people have put on weight, lost weight, not only family but people she knows too!
I had to tell her that there was to be no more talk about it around us or we’d leave if she brought it up again! Seems to have worked as she didn’t mention it last time we visited. ( she lives about 5 hours away so we only see her 4 or 5 times a year)

Every time she mentions someones weight just say " will you fuck off talking about peoples weight" dont say anything else just repeat this every time, but never engage in conversation with her regarding weight ie she says how dare you tell me to fuck off you just ignore her or change the subject,

My MIL is obsessed with everyone else's diet - often pontificating with one hand in a tube of Pringles. She once told us that a cousin was in hospital with malnutrition due to poor diet when the poor girl really had a bad bout of gastroenteritis. It makes me absolutely furious. My solution has been to go low contact. I say no to as many family events as I can get away with, get DH to drop the kids off for visits and don't contribute to group chats. It's not only about the diet thing, but that's a big contributor. I'm happier for it and try not to torture myself by thinking about what she's saying about me to other people!

Commenting on your children's weight is harmful. You're their mum and it's your job to protect them. You need to discuss and agree this with their dad. If he doesn't agree that should be a deal breaker on the relationship - he needs to put the kids first too. Tell her if she brings up the subject of weight again in front of them she won't be allowed back in their company. Mean it. If she's with you and she brings it up, say loudly, "we don't comment on people's weight in this family because it's rude and unhealthy". If she persists, leave or ask her to leave. Your job is to protect the long term health of your kids and you can't have this crap carry on. Don't avoid confrontation - in the future your kids will remember you defending them.

I put up with it for years from my own Mum. God knows why looking back.
I lost it finally and said I would never discuss my weight ever again. And if she mentioned weight to any of my daughters, I would never speak to her again.
She largely shut her mouth from that point on.

Comment about the kids and to the kids would have me speaking up. Kids these day have enough crap to contend with, they don’t need a grandparent adding to that.

Really? This would put OP on the back foot if you ask me.

Its a boomer thing. My mum ( age 70) is obessed with her and everyone elses weight too

No it isn't! Check your ageism.

She sounds like my mum. I’m 53 and my mum has been on a diet my whole life, and she’s still large. The smallest I’ve ever known her was a 16. No wonder I ended up with food issues and obesity myself. If she’s talking about someone she’s met for example the first thing she’ll say is “she’s a big fat woman” or “she’s a skinny bitch”. No advice but I do understand

My mum has been like this at least my whole life, I’m 53 and she’s 78.

This kinda thing can spark lifetime issues with kids. You need to protect your children from this. Tell her do not comment on anyone's weight.

Not relevant but amused me, I read somewhere "the only time you need to worry about a woman's weight is if she's going to sit on your face"

I don't think you should say that to her though!

She's an idiot, you or ideally DH should tell her to wind her neck in.

@User3627282646322244 I think you should jusy say bluntly “I’m not listening to you talk about weight” perhaps reinforce it by squirting her in the face with a small water pistol if she is with you! Hopefully that would deter her and would be very satisfying too

I would ignore until it got to comments about my kids - that would be stopped as soon as I could get her out of earshot of kids “Please don’t comment on my children’s size or shape - Im trying to give them good self esteem and those kind of
comments are really damaging”

This is my mum. Everyone described by their weight/size/shape. Constant comments about who has gained weight or whose clothes look too tight. Goes out for lunch and recites how much everyone eats, their excessive portion sizes, number of courses etc. I've had an ED since age 18 and was in remission but now at 52 perimenopause has ramped it up again. My daughter is quite overweight and I'm struggling with managing her eating habits as she often binge eats and hides the wrappers. It goes through the generations sadly

Since when? No -boomers', as you call it' speak like that but I know younger people obsessed with weight loss jabs trying to convince others to obess over them

But I wouldn't call it a younger thing

I would tell her to stop or not be around her

Textbook MN-style faux naïveté…

My MIL is the same. Came back from a holiday, "where there many fat people in blah?". Not did you have a nice time time. She is always commenting about other people when out and about. Makes me so self conscious

Love this

Or squirty cream for a more dramatic affect plus she'd gain a bit of weight each time.

😀

I have this. I come from a culture where family members tend to overstep boundaries "for our own good" and haven't found a solution yet. I have an aunty who started commenting on me since I was 8, removed food from my plate at Christmas for years and now that I'm on Mounjaro (but still with some weight to lose) at 44 and met her for the summer holidays, said "oh you have done something. How much?" stroking my tummy. She brings out my killer instincts and claims it's because she loves me!

If anyone finds a solution, please feel free to share...