Warning message from EXW

[clairebear372]

im in my 30s and share ds3 with DH 40s. he shares ds12 with his ex wife. they have had a lot of conflict with courts after their divorce with custody and maintenance. shes a very difficult person i believe DH has told me their past issues stating how difficult their relationship was etc.

at the beginning of our relationship she sent me a message saying i dont know anything about him that she has court evidence of how he was physically verbally and financially abusive to her. she said when this comes to light she can show me
things. i brushed this off as bitterness and jealousy.
fast forward a few years and our relationship hasn’t been great recently between me & DH for a while and im starting to go back to her message and feel their maybe elements of truth?

You don't need to do that - just consider that her warning may have saved you precious time in coming to a realisation about your own relationship, and just look at that relationship, as honestly as you can, and without trying to convince yourself that it's somehow your fault. She's saved you that at least.

OTOH, if you do conclude that things are genuinely ok with your DH, then it doesn't matter what she said.

But the fact that you're asking the question now makes me think they aren't. That really is all you need to know. I wouldn't risk bringing her into it now.

@clairebear372

of how he was physically verbally and financially abusive to her.......im starting to go back to her message and feel their maybe elements of truth?

If you're going back to her message and something is niggling inside you about the allegations she made, then listen to your inner voice.

she said when this comes to light she can show me things.

How well do you know her? Do you feel that if you were to call her and say "I'd like to see those things please" that she would respect your privacy, meaning she'd show you without demanding to know what is happening in your marriage? Do you feel she'd keep any communications with you to herself?

But a major thing is, if she shows you something awful that is similar to what is happening in your marriage, will you actually do anything about it?

You need to trust your own instincts. Forget the ex, her allegations might be true but equally they could be total BS and made up to discredit her ex and help her in court. It’s your own experience with your DH that matters, if you aren’t comfortable with him then listen to your gut.

How do you know thats true.
Do a claires law disclosure then you will know for sure.

thanks again for all the support. 85-90% of the time our relationship is good. i haven’t been perfect and i argue back in fights. one poster said i wont do things that i no he wont like which i do alot, not massive things but small things. and i have changed alot since we met. we do live sometimes in a different country so i dont think il be able to do a clairs law. i dont feel i what to know anyway right now i dont feel in my current position at life im strong enough. maybe im burying my head. i do have gut instincts about things but as i said im not perfect. i have suggested couples counselling which he has said he would do.

what i meant was we do live in the uk but werent born here so not sure whether i can ?
also i feel clairs law would massively be a breach of trust behind his back.

According to my ex husband I was a psycho, had multiple affairs and neglected my children:

the truth is very different, I divorced him for his affairs and his controlling ways.

he is on to the 6th person since we split and has proposed, this woman hasn’t a clue about me just his made up narrative.

if I messaged she would say I was the crazy ex wife, i just hope he doesn’t do the same to her. If I could save her I would

OP you need to woman up and protect yourself.
You are throwing barriers in the way.
You have doubts, the wavering trust is right there now.
So he can be horrible to you but you can’t make enquiries to protect yourself? Come on!
He won’t know you’ve done a disclosure request under Clare’s Law - just do it then you won’t need to wonder- you’ll know what is out there to know - if anything
If there’s nothing reported you’re back to square one and your instincts ( which I bet are right)

A breach of trust…really? It’s protection for you both, he should be willing to have you do it because he should have nothing to hide.

I fear you are in a relationship that will get abusive, please have an escape plan ready that you hope to never need, because that is better than not having one and needing it.

Would you actually want to know the truth about whether he'd been physically, verbally or financially abusive?

Or would it not make a difference (and you would either act on the relationship not feeling right, or ignore it...)?

He will never know.

i dont think i want to know 😣 but i would definitely be having a conversation about it i will definitely think about it more seriously now

Wrong. It will be there

When we first got together my ex told me how horrible his two exes were and I felt sorry that such a nice man had been treated so poorly for no reason.

As time went on I started to feel he wasn’t always such a nice man (but of course maybe it was my fault in part because I argued with him instead of just being nice and agreeable).

Eventually I realised and admitted to myself he was not a nice man at all and in fact was abusive, avoidant, manipulative and a massive liar.

Now I am the crazy ex and his new partner hates me so much she won’t speak to me, all based on the fact that I was visibly uncomfortable when he brought her uninvited to my house for my son’s birthday.

Raising a kid alone is hard. Most women will try to fix things for years and put up with a lot of bullshit from their children’s father before they will take the major step of leaving.

I haven’t and won’t bother to warn my ex’s partner as it will only cause drama and she won’t believe me at this point anyway. One day she’ll figure it out.