Warning message from EXW

[clairebear372]

im in my 30s and share ds3 with DH 40s. he shares ds12 with his ex wife. they have had a lot of conflict with courts after their divorce with custody and maintenance. shes a very difficult person i believe DH has told me their past issues stating how difficult their relationship was etc.

at the beginning of our relationship she sent me a message saying i dont know anything about him that she has court evidence of how he was physically verbally and financially abusive to her. she said when this comes to light she can show me
things. i brushed this off as bitterness and jealousy.
fast forward a few years and our relationship hasn’t been great recently between me & DH for a while and im starting to go back to her message and feel their maybe elements of truth?

If you're seeing red flags be careful. Youve not said anything in particular but women dont usually slate x husbands for no reason. If you feel threatened get sorted and get out. Good luck

How did you determine what the truth of the situation was?
Did you just pick the person you liked best and believe what they said?

Sorry you're going through a tough time. When you've got a kid I think it's imperative to ensure that the partner hasn't been abusive in previous relationships. Are you at risk?

Maybe giving more info about red flags you're seeing would help here.

I contemplated sending a message like this to my exH’s new wife.

i didn’t in the end because I thought she would just dismiss it as jealousy and hatred.

she’s learning the hard way.

sounds like you are too. I’m sorry

You don’t need to go back to her. You have your own evidence.

I suppose this scenario illustrates both the arguments against divulging the truth to the new partner (you won't be believed initially) and for (you'll be believed in the end, and maybe save the next poor woman a couple of years of misery).

This is exactly what Clairs Law is for, If he has been abusive to his ex and she has evidence it will show up,

thank you for the advice. in the past he sometimes is quite jealous and can accuse me of made up things that are wrong. i dont feel like he controls what i do or what i wear etc but i do feel somethings arent right.

hes been arrested but it was false allegations and no record if was to do a claire law

How do you possibly know this if you haven't done one?

Allegations can be disclosed as part of Claire’s law, as not being able to get a conviction in court doesn’t always mean it didn’t happen.

I’d personally speak to her and find out and if she says things ringing a bell then you know she was lying and it was infact him

for some people it’s a case of sour grapes but there is a chance she could have been warning you he’s abusive!

My ex wifes subsequent partners ditto

Sounds like you need to do one....

Clare's Law.

What was alleged to have happened?

There's a big difference between false allegations and those that the accuser was unable to prove so it couldn't go any further. Victims also sometimes withdraw their accusations for fear of reprisals.

I'm assuming that it was he who told you that the allegations were false.

This.
Forget her message.
Look at your relationship with your own eyes.

If it is not good enough, then you can either suggest marriage counselling to work on the issues (but not a good idea if he is manipulative or abusive, as he will just manipulate the counsellor and use the counselling to find new ways to abuse you), or you can leave.

Or you can carry on as you are and put up with it - but I definitely don't recommend that option.

I guess this is what he told you.

so Ex says he is abusive, must be jealous and bitter.

Arrest record, must be false accusations.

It sounds unpleasant already.

Perhaps you don’t need to talk to ex wife. It’s not good for you already.

I thought about doing this for my ex’s subsequent partners. There is no point, I decided.

People don’t tend to be “difficult” for no reason. I’d tend to at least hear her out based on your experience

Listen to your instincts love

this is the beginning. If it feels off, it probably is.

be careful!!

Firstly - good that you posted.

I'll put it this way.... i dated very freely pre meeting my husband. None of my exs or my dh have ever been arrested by the police in any capacity.... false allegations or not.
Its not normal.

You don't need to speak to her - if anything youd probably just be endangering her.

from what you've written ie your own a cpunt of how he treats you....he's a bad bastard.

Ultimately you we gone so far down this road as to have a child with him so you’ll need to decide your next move.

he sometimes is quite jealous and can accuse me of made up things that are wrong
I have never dated a man that did this. Its not normal not all men do this. its fundamentally wrong / abuse... which you yourself know.
i do feel somethings arent right.
I think if you looked harder youd see you bend and modify your behaviour so you dont do things he wont like.

2 things to do today.

1. Buy "Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft"
2. Do a clares law yourself, irrespective of what you were told

and without doing clares law how would you know? the whole reason it exists is to reveal what you dont know not what you do, if theres nothing to find whats the issue? they dont let him know you asked for it, you do it online and if there is anything to tell you they get in touch.

Claire’s Law will also tell you if there were dropped charges or unproven allegations. Men like that don’t change.

Abusive men and pedophiles always try to make their ex-wives look crazy. It’s a pattern. If possible arrange to meet her somewhere out of time or try calling her when your husband isn’t around. Even if you don’t do that you need to think about leaving. If you don’t have kids or vested financial interests the easiest way to leave is to disappear — divorce him via a solicitor who can keep your location / name private.