Has anyone found that illness has brought you closer to your husband or wife?

[ThatCheeseNeedsEating]

As my title says, has it happened when one of you has had to care for the other? Especially where you had previously drifted apart? Or did it make the gap wider?

I’ve had pancreatic cancer when I was 27, with two babies under 2. My husband took a long segment of compassionate leave to care for me and it made us much stronger.

We were pushed together in a way that went so much deeper than anything either of us have ever experienced.

It was hard, he struggled, I struggled, but we’ve often said we wonder whether we’d still be together if I hadn’t got sick, because it gave us such a deep love and appreciation for each other that I don’t think we could have had before.

Him caring for me the way he did made me realise how selfless he was being because he loved me, and in turn, my appreciation of him being there made him realise how much I value him; not just in the typical caring roles, but just being there and being who he is. I have also cared for him when he’s had poor health and he’s told me he feels my love for him even more when I’ve done that.

For us, we became closer but caring is hard, lonely work and there is support out there for when it gets overwhelming. It made us stronger but he has had times where he has struggled, too, which is why it’s so important to make sure the carer has support, too.

That's lovely. Looks like you've had eachothers support from early on. Thank-you for sharing.

When I had breast cancer and had to do 3 surgeries, chemo, radio, hormone tablets my husband was amazing and took great care of me. We definitely got the right way round though it seemed 50/50 half of couples splitting and half getting stronger.

What’s your story OP?

My dh has just been diagnosed with cancer. He had been talking about divorce after years of gradual distancing between us. I will look after him. Just wondered if it brought some people closer? A friend of mine suggested it. It's early days as to a treatment plan and hasn't brought us closer as yet but we are both still in shock and all talk of divorce not been mentioned since.

Bump because surely someone else on here has been in a similar position?

Yes we learnt to let things go more and I really regret not doing that before he became ill.

Yes. My DH had 2 strokes not long after the pandemic and now does need quite a lot of help and care. However what was already a fairly co supportive relationship has definitely become a lot stronger and we invest massively more time and emotion in time together and the things we can still do.

So he wanted to divorce - but what about you?

I’m not surprised he has stopped talking about divorce, but you don’t have to become his nurse/carer if you feel that the marriage is dead.

NB: There are so many stories of husbands leaving their cancer stricken spouses, but not so many in reverse circumstances…

Yes this. Please make sure he treats you well. He doesnt get to pull away and then pretend none of that happens because he needs a nurse now.

I would say couple and individual counselling would be a good plan

The opposite I’m afraid. When I dared to get really ill (despite having been there for him on a couple of significant occasions previously), he cheated. He actually told me when I found out, he was worried I would be too ill to pay the bills so he needed to cheat. This was after 25 years together.. I divorced him and recovered btw, but, fuck me, it was brutal.

I was getting over the shock of it and planning how to navigate it all then came the diagnosis. There was a bit of a gap between the two as I was getting my ducks ready.
I can't leave the care to my dcs. It wouldn't be fair and they would want to help him. He has siblings but they've got their own problems.

That's so callous. I've heard some excuses for cheating on here but that's the worst one ever. I can only assume he didn't tell the OH that. Imagine being the OH knowing how he treated his wife when she was ill.
Amazingly you came through it. They must've been a knock for him!

Not many positive outcomes on here. I thought there might be more!

My husband is supporting me through breast cancer now..Our marriage has been good on the whole ( I honestly think most marriages have their ups and downs). But I know he would do everything to help me and we will always be together.

I don't really know how it's affecting him , seems to be holding up ok so far. I have nearly finished with chemo so next will be surgery and radiotherapy..I don't think too far ahead so I have no idea if I'm going to be coming up to the worst bit soon or if the chemo is the worst part .But he is so good to me. he retired just a month before my diagnosis and I'm going to ensure I don't stand in the way of him doing whatever he plans for the rest of his retirement once we get through this.

I have no idea what he told the OW, but I assume it was the usual shit, we dont sleep together/we sleep in separate rooms, etc. Karma’s a bitch though. She got rid of him recently, and he is now in a crummy rented flat with no friends. My ex-sil took delight in telling me (she was horrified by his behaviour). I meanwhile am healthy again, kept the house and now have a lovely boyfriend.

Your dh sounds wonderful.
It must give you comfort to know that he's caring for you out of love. You obviously care very deeply for eachother.
Sending you a hug and strength to get through your treatment.

@ThatCheeseNeedsEating thank you yes we do love each other. We'll be fine.

Sorry about what you're going through. It must be very confusing that your partner had raised the subject of divorce, and you were starting to give it thought just before he had the diagnosis.

Do you feel a bit tricked into staying? Do you doubt you can recapture the love in the relationship? When he is going to be going through all the medical procedires and anguish. It's not a barrel of laughs but seeing you both caring for each other in your own ways is a tender thing. I am sure he will be aware of all your efforts and help if you support him.

I really think it's a choice to love someone and you both need to make the choice. I don't know what was going through his head particularly when he suggested divorce but I believe in second chances and I think you will feel if you have the strength to rekindle the love. Perhaps it's more difficult for men who grew up with the idea of men being stronger and protecting women so it could make some men feel weak and inadequate I suppose. I don't know your partner. Take it slow and trust your feelings. all the best x.

No, I don't feel tricked into staying. It's just made me feel stuck. The divorce conversation is on hold for now. I was just getting my head around it all.Once he's through this then I'll have a rethink. He might too of course. Serious illness makes you re evaluate everything. Of course, he might still want to steam ahead. Either way, I'll do what's best for me.
He is finding it hard to adjust to having to rely on me and we're just at the start.

I had a very difficult pregnancy both physically and mentally with 2 children under 5. I wasn’t well enough to work, I’m self employed so didn’t earn any money. My 4yo was in an accident and couldn’t walk for 6 weeks and we were burgled. All in the same 3 month period.

It showed us how absolutely rock solid our relationship was. It felt like literally everything else was crashing down. We never had to worry about our relationship, we always had each other and we went through it all together. I was very much a dependent for at least 4 months and DH did brilliantly in keeping life and the household running. No judgement or anything like that, he just supported us all and got on with it.

We aren’t fully out the other end yet (I’m still pregnant but significantly better health wise) so I can’t really comment on the long term impact.

But the quality of our relationship was the only ‘bright side’ when everything else had gone to shit.

Like others I had Cancer and needed lots if help. We had twin toddlers at the time, I couldn't do much. He was there for me and the girls always. They weren't sidelined, he tried to keep their routine normal while mummy wasn't well. I was never very big but at the time must have looked like a skeleton. He still told me I was beautiful and he loved me. He took care of me doing the most personal and embarrassing things, wiping my bottom keeping me clean, clearing up if I messed. There were tears (from me) but as I improved I knew he was there for me always. It's many years now and I've never doubted him. He's ill now, long term and at our ages possibly forever. Fortunately it's not too bad, just difficulty walking, no strength or energy. Different from the way he was but still loving and caring.

Reading so many tales on MN I'm grateful to have met and married someone who cares for me so much.

@ThatCheeseNeedsEating yes I think I can see what you mean. It's early days. You will know if the love is there. Of course having children can affect what you do but I think you will know how good your relationship is and it will become clearer what you should do.

I'm a bit confused about your dcs-are you currently on number 3?
You're very lucky to have his support although it should be standard in a marriage, no doubt. Someone having your back and without begrudgingly that must be such a weight of your shoulders, knowing that you can relax without worrying. It's times like this that test your relationship to the full. All the best with the rest of your pregnancy.

Another lovely story. Nice to know there are genuinely caring couples out there.

These posts are inspiring but I was hoping to hear from people who had a rocky relationship and an illness then brought them closer. There seem to be the extremes-they were already in a good place and strengthened everything OR it pulled them apart completely.