Am I fair in saying men have no idea how much work women do in social situations to manage everyone's emotions and make everyone comfortable?

[SkaterGrrrrl]

Last night we went round to a friend of a friend to watch the football. DH's cousin is staying with us so we took her along - she's lovely. When we arrived DH sat down next to a chatty acquaintance and spent the entire evening talking about football with him. Meanwhile I was introducing his cousin to everyone, drawing her into the conversation, giving her a snippet of info about the people sitting near her so she had something to go on etc etc.

Today DH said what a nice relaxed evening it was and how everyone had a good time. Well yes - but I had to work at that to make sure everyone felt comfortable!

Few notes
*DH is a great guy, good emotional intelligence so he's not mean or oblivious - I think just didn't occur to him.
*The cousin is lovely, not socially awkward in any way but I still think needed a little hand holding in a room of complete strangers.
*Cousin is a different race and I didn't know that all the guests present were inclusive, so felt a little bit responsible for ensuring she felt welcome.

Is it fair to say women do this kind of thing all the time and men think that smooth social gatherings happen by magic?

Really? So a small party, you ate and then sat at the dining table watching the football?

I personally do think women generally have greater ability in the "Theory of Mind" (more empathetic and stronger perception of social and emotional cues) but I know I'll get flamed for that. But I also think it's rather strange you thought anyone in the room would be rampant racists. I mean, what sort of people are you mixing with that they would fondle the cousin's hair and ask her where she was really from? It does sound as though you went a bit over the top on this occasion OP.

So you told your H how much you were doing? Because if you say nothing then he is going to think you are fine as things are.

This sounds like a bloody awful party
OP fears racists
They all sit at the dining table to watch the football match
half the people around the dining table the Op doesn’t even know!

Okay, I am stepping away from this thread now. I asked if it was a male thing, you all said it was a DH thing. I've admitted more than once that that is fair and that I will speak to DH.

I should never have mentioned race because of course everyone's jumped on that. To say that it is 'sinister' to consider the comfort of someone who has been made uncomfortable in new settings before is ...pretty wild. 😂

Hiding the thread now. Have a great evening.

And take on board that you need to read the room too!

It's not a DH thing though, he hasn't done anything wrong. It's a you thing, you are too overbearing in a party situation, grab a glass of wine, give one to the cousin and enjoy the night.

Exactly what the cousin would have preferred too in all likelihood

So... you were happy with it then? So why did you start the thread?

I think in a specific situation like this, it's probably more of a personality difference than an inherent difference based on sex. Your husband didn't do the minimum that would normally be socially expected, you overcompensated, and so the work still got done between you. It's hard to tell what order this happens in - do you anticipate that he won't act, so you premptively do and he happily and maybe even unconsciously accepts this division of labour as the status quo? Or is it perhaps easier to just do it yourself than to convince him to do it? In any case, if you mind this, then going forward the way to go may be to plan ahead: perhaps you hang out with cousin while H greets everyone and catches up and then you switch, or vice versa. Or you agree to both stay with cousin until she finds her feet. Or remind him to do it as it's really his obligation - although that too is extra "work" for you.

BUT - and it's a big but - it is also true that the consequences for failing to fulfil somewhat subjective and voluntary social obligations like this are generally far more punitive toward women than toward men even in an extreme case like this where the man clearly has the greater obligation to (due to it being his cousin, he is closer to her, he invited her, etc.) That discrepancy may colour things so that what we "perceive" as personality differences - she's caring / he's carefree, she's detail oriented / he sees the big picture, she's intuitive / he has to be told - may be much more externally imposed than we think.

It goes a long way to explaining why we get so many posts here from women questioning and resenting their male partners or exes neglecting the children and failing in their parenting obligations. In a case like this you too could fuck off and neglect your child and blithely leave it all up to your partner - but even if you wanted to, (1) he most likely wouldn't accept it (based on the fact that he's done little or nothing up until you forced the situation) and (2) the social and societal repercussions to you would be far greater than they ever were for him.

I would agree to some extent if it was a general gathering. But they went round to watch the football so of course he's going to want to focus on that and talk about it not other random small talk. He knows the OP and cousin are close and they did agree to come even though not interested in the football so he assumed they'd be fine. Yes he could have spotted that the OP was struggling and joined the general chat at half time / hydration breaks etc. But if you are there to watch the match well that's what you do and you want to focus on that.

I feel sorry for your cousin. Being pulled around the party being introduced to a
bunch of people that they will never see again and won’t even talk to probably for the rest of night given half of them @SkaterGrrrrl didn’t even know.

Cousin was probably longingly looking over at DH kicking back with a friend and wanting to join him

And how does that relate to this situation?

Clearly she did. She said so.

JFC some people here obviously have been brought up by wolves, or under a bridge somewhere.

OBVIOUSLY, as a decent person with a guest who knows no one at a party, you as the host make sure they are comfortable and at ease.

It's called being a HOST.

Are you all unaware of that duty to your guests?

And in this case, DH should have been doing that hosting and ensuring that his OWN cousin is being integrated and enjoying herself.

And yes, it OFTEN men fall down on this, they focus on what they want out of the gathering. No mental or emotional labour for them, the self absorbed gits.

You're right to protest, OP. Sorry you fell into part of the internet where people don't understand the most basic concepts of HOSTING.

Defo a personality thing rather than a gender thing.
makes me wonder how many other ‘things’ your husband does that you draw under a male issue - when in actual fact he just sounds selfish

No, I don't agree. It might be the dynamic in the OP's family, but it's not universal. Social grace is not sex specific!

No, the Op doesn’t
the Op says she didn’t know “half” of the guests
so the host had to do it @MumsTheWordYouKnow

The cousin was being introduced to people at a football watching gathering to people that she will never see or speak to again that of her own family don’t know

So you arrive somewhere, your DH plonks himself down next to someone, talks to him the entire time you are there and completely ignores you and the cousin the whole time … then get up and goes home … and you say nothing to him at the time. He then states he had a great evening … basically ignoring you. Was it even worth you going?

Woah!! Someone needed an early night!

That's wild. I wouldn't have people in my house if I thought this about them.

I know where you’re coming from but there’s literally no way of knowing how well the evening would have panned out without you playing this role, it may still have gone okay and the person may still have had a nice time.

I’ll probably get bombarded for saying this but I think men do the same stuff but more subtly, without expecting cookies for it. Men are more likely to tactfully avoid hurtful subjects, for example, whereas women are more likely to raise hurtful subjects to demonstrate that they’re aware of them.

I’m not going to “bombard” you because I’m not even sure what point you’re trying to make @ClovisWrites !

My DH is similarly oblivious to these things. I wouldn't have compensated for him though. I'd pulled him aside and told him he needs to take care of introductions to his cousin. Otherwise they will NEVER get better at it and think that's normal behaviour.