Am I fair in saying men have no idea how much work women do in social situations to manage everyone's emotions and make everyone comfortable?

[SkaterGrrrrl]

Last night we went round to a friend of a friend to watch the football. DH's cousin is staying with us so we took her along - she's lovely. When we arrived DH sat down next to a chatty acquaintance and spent the entire evening talking about football with him. Meanwhile I was introducing his cousin to everyone, drawing her into the conversation, giving her a snippet of info about the people sitting near her so she had something to go on etc etc.

Today DH said what a nice relaxed evening it was and how everyone had a good time. Well yes - but I had to work at that to make sure everyone felt comfortable!

Few notes
*DH is a great guy, good emotional intelligence so he's not mean or oblivious - I think just didn't occur to him.
*The cousin is lovely, not socially awkward in any way but I still think needed a little hand holding in a room of complete strangers.
*Cousin is a different race and I didn't know that all the guests present were inclusive, so felt a little bit responsible for ensuring she felt welcome.

Is it fair to say women do this kind of thing all the time and men think that smooth social gatherings happen by magic?

I mean there were complete strangers there and I didn't know if the cousin would be subjected to the many micro aggressions she has had throughout her life ( touching her hair / asking 'but where are you really from?' / 'praising' her for being 'articulate' or 'courteous', the list goes on). If anything like that had happened I would have felt responsible, as it was our idea to take her to this event.

It's got nothing at all to do with gender differences!
It's people who are socially anxious/overthinking/ people pleaser vs people who are naturally comfortable, relaxed and let adults mingle and develop friendships as they were meant to.
It's really wierd you can't tell the difference...

And to be clear, I am more like you rather than your husband but I know fine well its my issue. I can see everyone else having a fun relaxed time while in my head I have to stop myself micromanaging things.

I also don't think it's a male/female thing, some people have better social skills than others, some mingle with new people effortlessly and work the room, some don't. It sounds as though you found the evening really hard work and your DH should have been sensitive to that and made more effort to mix.

Woah… I’m sensing you don’t live in a very multi cultural area. For you to be concerned about this. Any friend of a friend of mine… well I am not going to presume from the off that they might be a racist patronising pig

This was a football match party
as i say, you read the room wrong to traipse the cousin around introducing her to everyone, half of which you didn’t even know!! Should have made a beeline for your friends, introduced the cousin and started chatting rather than “and here we have xyz” as people crane to look at the screen behind you

I've never seen women behaving like this, I certainly don't!

I am also quite shocked that you felt you needed to be on the lookout for micro-aggressions, what sort of people are you socialising with? Why not start from the assumption they are inclusive and only worry about it if they turn out not to be. And it was just a get together to watch the football, not a business networking meeting or similar, people do generally just plonk themself next to someone and chat.

agreed
it is a bit… sinister actually!

No. Because not all women care, or do it. And some men do.

It’s a ‘your husband’ thing. I don’t recognise this in mine or any of the guys we socialise with.

Do you think the party isn't a success unless you've chatted to everyone?

No, I mean this seriously. I have met many people like this - my own dear sis who I love and adore is v much like this. She sees it as her duty in social situations to keep the conversation flowing, or be the arbiter of conversation.

She thinks if she doesn't chip in or bridge the gap then people aren't having a good time. She is a bit of a control freak tbf, or rather, doesn't feel things are vibing until she's signed them off. She is a genuinely fab person though, that's just her thing. The difference is that she would find her style (the one you describe as doing in your op) relaxing. But you didn't. So why did you do it?

(it's wild that you appointed yourself gatekeeper of the cousin's hair though 🙄Can't quite get my head around that one tbf. )

Maybe he was surprised that you assumed that his friends were racist

Why was it up to you to make sure everyone had a good time? If you don't want to behave a certain way, don't do it. Take a leaf out of the man's book if you really think the sexes are divided this way. The world will keep on turning whether you decide to fix it or not.

Okay, let's not derail the thread with a whole thing about race. That wasn't really my point. Talk to your Black friends and relatives, I'm sure they will tell you that they have experienced discomfort in social settings before.

I didn't think it was likely at all, but I did want to make sure that she felt comfortable and included.

So it was dh’s cousin not yours? Then that was rude and lazy of him to just leave her with you and ignore her all evening when she didn’t know anyone.

You and your DH both come across as socially inept to me. He seems oblivious to everyone else, and you seem overbearing.

It’s not a male thing imo. My ex was much more outgoing than me so good at bringing quiet people into the conversation etc

Not sure what you meant by “Cousin is a different race and I didn't know that all the guests present were inclusive, so felt a little bit responsible for ensuring she felt welcome.” By inclusive do you mean not racist or friendly? If they weren’t friendly surely you wouldn’t have invited cousin? If you meant friendly then not sure why race was important unless one of your races don’t really socialise outside your race (if that’s even a thing?)

But you have said you are really close to the cousin so maybe your DH thought she'd be happy with you. Also it doesn't sound as though you were taking any interest in the football, which was the point of the evening. Yes your DH could have chatted to other people more, but if the whole point was to watch the football, really he didn't do anything that wrong.

I am friendly to people but I wouldn’t manage a social situation like this like you did. If I was the cousin I would hate to think someone was feeling responsible for ensuring I felt comfortable.
Id prefer People to be more relaxed and chilled.

Yes, agree. OP, I'm definitely a woman and if it was England v Argentina, or any England match of the World Cup, I'd say a quick hi with a smile to you, DH and cousin and then be back with the footie. There's no way I could have a separate conversation with you all while the match was on. Presumably your DH is the same?

So you hauled her around the room introducing her to people who don’t know yourself, thus involving the host to wade in. When really attendees likely wanted a drink, watch the football and / or have a chat with their friends.

As I say… I think it is also a you thing but you need to start better reading the room.

No one who doesn’t even know you wants to be introduced to a visiting cousin when they’re watching the football or in the middle of chatting with an established friend.

No, I am nothing like this. I'm pretty quiet.

I don't really understand why you went along with your DH. If you and cousin aren't interested in football but get on really well, then why not stay at home and chat and leave your DH to his football and socialisation?

That's what I would have done.

This didn't happen. We were all seated around a big table while food was served. Afterwards, the football was shown on a screen while we remained in our seats.