No room for sister's partner at our 20 person wedding

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we have a small wedding venue. It's a private house with accommodation for 20 people.

We are having 20 guests.

The problem we/re having is partners. Some poeple are married, others engaged, others dating for 7 months, some living, and some we haven't met.

While some partners we want there others we are inviting out of politeness.

When we sent out save the dates the criteria was either married, together 5 years, engaged, or living together. All the invites were all named so the 20 know theyre invited.

When we found the venue before we got engaged our guest list was 20.

4 months later we got engaged and booked it and DP sister had been dating a man casually for 4 months. We sent out save the dates he wasn't included.

But now it's 1 year later and we're sending out invites. But theres no room for an extra guest.

DP sister is very upset. What do we do?

This is most of my adult life being single, wasn't allowed my best friend of 30 years plus at my brothers wedding but my cousin who had a girlfriend of 6 months was allowed to bring her.

So invites haven't gone out yet & you don't know if everyone will accept?

Have you got a couple of friends that get on & would want to attend without their plus ones & be happy to share a room?

You posted about this exact thing several weeks ago and you got told by the vast majority of people that you were being unkind and unfair.

Now you are back with the same problem which hasn't resolved itself except this time you are mentioning that the venue only holds 20 and you've already got a guest list of 20. That wasn't made clear before, as I recall. I guess you are hoping that as there appears to be absolutely nothing you can do to squeeze him in, you will be told you don't need to feel bad about it.

But given your DP's sister already had this boyfriend when you booked the wedding, you should have allowed space for a plus 1 for her and proceeded on the assumption that they would still be together by the time of the wedding.

What you've done is pretty bad form but you obviously still stand by your own decision making process and I don't know what you expect to hear this time that is any different from last time.

Well she knew the plan, and she presumably knows how rigid the numbers are, so... what does she expect you to do about it?

It's completely OK not to invite boyfriends/girlfriends of only 4 months' standing. No one's fault that weddings can take a year to prepare and that standing may change.

It's also not a huge deal at all. I disagree with all the posters who tut-tut about how this was always going to create ill feeling. Not if the family is a reasonable one!

When DH and I first started going out there were several weddings (for both of us) that only one of us had been invited to (invitations sent when we were single, or when our relationship was just casual). It didn't create ill feeling. It wasn't an issue. The one not invited waved the other one off, told them to have a nice time, wished the couple a happy day and did something we enjoyed instead.

Sister should have a nice time with her family, she won't exactly be in the situation of not knowing anyone. Sister's partner should be able to cope by himself for a day. There just doesn't need to be any drama.

Also, What the hell?

When we found the venue before we got engaged our guest list was 20.
4 months later we got engaged and booked it and DP sister had been dating a man casually for 4 months. We sent out save the dates he wasn't included.

Who goes out looking at wedding venues and chooses one BEFORE they are even engaged?

Contact the hosts and ask them if they can suggest a solution. It may be that he and your sister can stay over elsewhere or the accommodation could be re figured slightly. I’m sure they won’t mind being asked.

Hideously poor form to be honest. You do whatever you like, but it’s bad form however you dress it up

When DH and I first started going out there were several weddings (for both of us) that only one of us had been invited to (invitations sent when we were single, or when our relationship was just casual). It didn't create ill feeling. It wasn't an issue. The one not invited waved the other one off, told them to have a nice time, wished the couple a happy day and did something we enjoyed instead.

Yes but were any of them your siblings? Most invitations don't go out ages and ages in advance. Save the date cards might, but by the time invitations go out you tend to know who is still with who and it's serious.

I understand these days people might need to be more selective in issuing plus ones, because they want to splurge on luxury wedding experiences rather than hiring the local church hall and inviting all and sundry to eat a sandwich buffet laid on by their aunties, so numbers need to be limited. If you are having an evening reception after the main event and inviting your four colleagues from work then they all have one another to enjoy the party with, no need for them to bring partners who probably don't know anyone anyway.

But surely this doesn't need to apply to one's own sibling not being allowed to bring a partner who already knows the rest of the family, purely because they have been together less than 5 years and don't live together? That's weirdly arbitrary and controlling. What if they've been together 2 years by the time of the wedding? It's still a long term, serious relationship.

Stop worrying about it, OP. You've picked the venue; it's strict on the limited numbers and you already have 20 guests. There's nothing you can do about it.

You can’t just slot him in into a strangers room? Or make the single friend stay with someone she is not comfortable with.

he could come for the meal then but not stay over. Unless 2 people drop out who are sharing a room.

Ask the venue if they can add a chair so you can honestly tell SIL you tried.

If they can’t exceed the 20 people, explain the situation to SIL and that you’re really sorry, the wedding was obviously booked some time in advance.

Take SIL and her partner out for a nice meal to get to know him a bit better, apologise again in person.

Consider an after-party or post wedding reception that he can come to, even if you host drinks at your house or local pub for a couple of hours. Can then invite your wider friend group?

Your po sis has only been going out with this guy for a very short while and she is young so this is probably not her life long partner. Keep to the 20. Done.

And where does the friend that SIL has agreed to share with go?

Emm they'll notice if they put out 20 seats and a random is hovering at the door

Oh come off it, it’s one more person.

A year and a bit isn’t even that long term really. There’s no guarantee they’ll still be together by Christmas or by this time next year.

She’ll just have to understand. Surely what matters most is seeing her brother get married, not having her boyfriend with her.

Agree, I’ve known a couple do this and it’s so odd. Surely the moment you agree you’re definitely going to get married (ie before the point where you talk about looking at wedding venues) is the moment you get engaged?

What’s a proposal worth if you already know you both agreed to get married and you’ve already booked the venue?! Weird.

ok so based on advice I asked the venue. My friend apologised but said no due to some insurance issue.

But you're already over the maximum number.

You said the venue only allows 20 people, but you also mention that you've invited 20 guests. Including yourself and the groom that makes 22.

Well if you read the whole thread you’ll see that I was commenting before that little detail was shared. I’m not a mind reader. Drip, drip, drip as usually happens when the OP needs to excuse their behaviour.

Is SIL mature enough to be having a long-term relationship? Because she’s got a lot of growing up to do if she can’t understand that a) the venue has a set capacity and b) someone she’d only known for four months at the time the guest list was decided didn’t make the cut.

It’s a simple case of “It’s a shame he can’t come, but there’s no space”. No snub; no magic silver bullet to make the venue bigger. She survived into adulthood without him by her side - she can survive another day.

Venues have maximum capacity. They’re not getting an airbed down from the attic to squeeze one more in at Nan’s over Christmas.

And what if the other single person had had a partner? Or if the SIL had been in a throuple? Or one of the guests was a conjoined twin and they had to invite her twin even though they can’t stick her?

There's no point in asking “What if, what if, what if?”. OP and her partner made their decisions based on the reality of the situation, not a hypothetical scenario.

Doesn’t sound like there’s anything you can do!

You've asked, the venue said no, you've done what you can. Nothing more you can do.