AIBU to tell DP I could never be around his brother?

[malefields]

I can’t talk to anyone about this yet so I thought I’d gauge opinions here to see if I’m overreacting.

DP’s estranged brother has been arrested and it all sounds quite serious, I don’t know the formal name of the charges but it relates to DV, sexual assault and so on against a partner. You get the idea.

DP and family are trying to help how they can while this is unfolding, they don’t have much info either. I understand where they’re coming from, but…. this is where I’m stuck: my past relationship was very abusive over an extended period of time. I know in my heart even if this man gets away with it, I’ll never, ever be able to be around him or pretend like I’m okay with his existence.

AIBU in talking to DP about this now? Should I wait and see how it unfolds?
It’s actually a dealbreaker for me I fear, but I also know how badly he wants his family together (they grew up severely neglected but this brother seems to be the only highly dysfunctional one). I just don’t want to not say anything and in 5 years (assuming he’s out, I don’t know) he thinks I’d be okay with this person coming round for dinner or Christmas or something.

Wait and see how things unfold. At the moment, your DP is putting his energies into supporting his brother/family. If there is neglect/dysfunction there, this adds another layer of complexity.
You know, however, that you have a boundary with your DP/his brother that you will hold. That shows your strength and that is absolutely right to hold that line.
When things are clearer/more settled etc, that's when you can make your own needs clear. It maybe that it will naturally emerge anyway if your DP asks for any support regarding his brother.
Good luck

He doesnt need your permission to live his life like you dont need his permission to live yours

I would say the usual hello good bye and leave it at that i wouldn't need to turn it into a saga

@PollyBell of course he doesn’t need my permission, otherwise I would have said “let him sort his own mess on his own”. I don’t think he deserves any help, which is my view of sexual abusers as a whole.

What I mean is I have no plans to accept socialising with a proven abuser.

But at the moment you don't know he's abusive. I would let the police do their job, be non-committal in the meantime and see what happens.

If it is proven then you are not unreasonable at all, but cross that bridge if and when it comes to it.

Your wording is fudged, you say he’s been arrested, but you don’t say charged, and then you move to he’s serving jail time.

you also call him your partner, but seem willing to end it over this. How long have you been together?

So he’s been charged and sentenced?

But he has been arrested, not convicted. Maybe he is innocent, maybe he is guilty. But you are using the words ‘proven abuser’ like he is already guilty?

Yes it’s hard to work out what this is, the op moves between arrested to basically servicing jail time and saying he’s already proven.

Be honest with your DP, and say clearly you will not be in the same room as him at any time, just walk away and ignore him.

Uh…have you met any actual humans or is this purely theoretical for you?

I think before giving this advice you need to clarify, like fhe rest of us, what the situauton is, as the op is using really muddled words. She’s gone from arrested to serving time and convicted in a couple of posts.

Sorry, it’s all just unfolding so I’m not exactly sure what are the charges but he has admitted to part of it to his family. DP thinks he’ll serve time.

I think you need to let your DP know how you are feeling. It's hard for him, but you are his partner (I am assuming a deep loving well established relationship? And he knows about your previous experience? ) .

Not an ultimatum yet, but "this must be so hard for you - and I can't support you as much as I might like because domestic violence and sexual assault are obviously very hard for me to be around and it's currently too hard for me to be thinking about"

He needs to understand and be sensitive to your perspective on this.

If his brother is estranged it shouldn't be too hard for him to keep it that way!

First, he's innocent until proven guilty. Don't judge and sentence him yet. Wait for developments.

Meanwhile, talk to your DP, giving your point of view, your experience.

Explain that if he is convicted then YOU will decline to have anything to do with him - and you will expect your partner's support in this.

You can't instruct HIM to have no more to do with his bro, though. It will be up to him to decide what contact he will have, and you should accept his decision, just as he can't tell you who you can and can't see.

If he is found innocent etc, then you can still decide whether you wish to have contact or not - and state your boundaries.

@JFDIYOLO he is innocent until proven guilty legally, but from my POV the parts he has admitted to are enough for me to not want anything to do with him permanently.

I don’t want my DP to cut contact as that’s not my place to decide or my conscience, but I am worried about the wider implications. We want to get married and for example, it would be an absolute no for me to have him there. I think my worry is more regarding how would we handle this as a permanent issue.

All I know is that he’s in prison and will likely serve time. I’m not familiar with the justice system so I don’t really know how it goes from
here, but DP seems to be fairly sure he’ll be doing time, the question right now is more how long and what charges exactly. DP hasn’t been to visit as this is all taking place quite far from us but I’ll presume he’ll go soon.

He’s admitted to enough that as far am I am concerned, it’s not something I can look past. What he’s disputing is the more serious allegations.

What would happen if you were already married and then his brother did that? I suppose it gives you the opportunity to be upfront. I probably would. Unless there’s a chance he didn’t do it (which I’m guessing there isn’t).

In that case you need to have a frank conversation with your partner.

Spell out that regardless of the outcome in court, the behaviour he has admitted to means that you will never be in the same room as him or allow any future children to meet him. This includes events like weddings, funerals, Christmas etc. If it's a dealbreaker it's far better to get it out in the open now so you can both make a decision about whether your relationship is viable going forward.

I have been in a similar position - DHs brother was abusive to his wife and their children while also fielding an alcohol problem.
SIL asked the family to intervene and get him sent to rehab. While he was in rehab she told him they would not be staying together, she had a non mol order against him, once he was out of rehab he was allowed to see the children via a 3rd party handover and he lived with his dad.

we all knew he was guilty of what he’d done but charges were never brought.
DH’s family backed him resolutely and acted like he was the victim and SIL was an abuser of sorts by not staying with him and keeping the family together.

DH and I have had numerous disagreements about BIL’s actions and behaviour but although now slightly distanced, he and his family stand by BIL.

I hate being around him, but have to suck it up to a point to allow the kids to all spend time with each other.

you may find yourself in a very similar situation

You will get people who are so black and white that they think a crime has only been committed if it is prosecuted. Of course that is not true. As you’ve said he has already admitted to at least part of it the issue exists whether he is found guilty or not.

I have found myself embroiled in similar situations and I tend to try to focus on where my support belongs and in your case that is with yourself and your DP and maybe if you are a close friend of SIL her too.

Your DP might feel that his support belongs with his DB. The bonds of family loyalty run much, much tighter than morality almost always and that gets found out in the real world all of the time.

I think you can still respect your own situation and leave your BIL behind but his immediate family may not choose to do the same.

This is the very real tension between how the world should be and how it is in reality.

Why would there be any socialising if they are estranged as you said in your OP?

DP is very happy (although in a bittersweet way given the circumstances) that his brother has reached out, he’ll be supporting him as he can and eventually visiting.

I know it’s all up in the air right now but I would not be surprised at all if once he’s out he’ll try to stay close. DP is heavily focused on family time, we see his family pretty much every weekend.

@Mygiddyvalentine I don’t really care whether the rest of the family wants him around or not, I think I’m more concerned about where all of this leaves me because if (years down the line maybe, depending on how this goes) he becomes a regular fixture I’d have to constantly opt out of family things - I’m cool with that, I’m just worried about the overall impact in my relationship really.

For example just being nearby when he calls seems to be enough to put me on edge. I never thought I’d say this but I guess I feel… triggered? I worked very hard to get away from my abusive ex, the thought of another disgustingly abusive man near me is horrifying, even if it’s not against me.

You dont have to socialise with him even if your husband does. I dont see the issue here, theres loads ofmy OH's family members that I cant stand so I dont see them