AIBU to tell DP I could never be around his brother?

[malefields]

I can’t talk to anyone about this yet so I thought I’d gauge opinions here to see if I’m overreacting.

DP’s estranged brother has been arrested and it all sounds quite serious, I don’t know the formal name of the charges but it relates to DV, sexual assault and so on against a partner. You get the idea.

DP and family are trying to help how they can while this is unfolding, they don’t have much info either. I understand where they’re coming from, but…. this is where I’m stuck: my past relationship was very abusive over an extended period of time. I know in my heart even if this man gets away with it, I’ll never, ever be able to be around him or pretend like I’m okay with his existence.

AIBU in talking to DP about this now? Should I wait and see how it unfolds?
It’s actually a dealbreaker for me I fear, but I also know how badly he wants his family together (they grew up severely neglected but this brother seems to be the only highly dysfunctional one). I just don’t want to not say anything and in 5 years (assuming he’s out, I don’t know) he thinks I’d be okay with this person coming round for dinner or Christmas or something.

@likelysuspect yeah but what sort of relationship does that become? It’s not a second cousin, it’s his brother. If they want birthdays etc together I’d have to constantly sit it out and they do quite a lot together, we just came back from a city break with his other siblings.

I suppose we’ll know more once there’s actually a sentencing, I just don’t know how long these things take.

If your DP and his brother remain close and in each other’s lives, you won’t be able to avoid him. And if you do, your DP may resent the strain it puts on him to keep his partner and sibling apart

So he is on remand awaiting trial and then sentencing at least for the offences he admits.

The thing is OP, that all the time he spends remanded in custody is deducted from his sentence. So in a way the longer it takes now, the sooner he gets out after sentencing.

I think you need to talk to your DP now. Before he dives headlong into being family saviour and promising g support to his brother that would be impossible for you.

If you plan to get married his loyalty needs to be to you. He needs to be the person who protects you, and of course you him. A team, each others rock. Of course there will be a family pull, he will have family connection to his brother to some extent, but be honest now do that he can think, and not make promises to his family that he may not be able to keep.