Self-inviting friend strikes again.

[ExpressHydration]

She's struck again and I have only myself to blame.

I have a friend who has a habit of inviting herself along to things. I (stupidly) mentioned that I had booked a table at a place that was showing the football and that me and the kids were really excited. We had already talked about the world Cup earlier and she laughed and said he whole family were pretty unaware of the world Cup and hadn't watched a single game or followed the scores.

"oh fun! We'll join you!! That sounds great!"

And I was so caught off guard that I mumbled something about having to change the booking and she said, great!! See you then!!

Stupid stupid!!

1. I realise this is my own stupid fault.
2. I have now learned my lesson and will be careful about mentioning plans to get in future*
3. Can I now say they can't come to the football? I want to go with my kids. We're really looking forward to it. It's a treat for the three of us. How do I not have her and her husband there?

I should have said no immediately. It's much harder to go back on this. Ugh. So cross with myself.

I could say I can't change the booking. what if she checks?

• this is harder than you'd think. She once messaged me and invited me to something, and I said I couldn't because I was going to a gallery with a friend and she said, oh cool, I'll come to that then.

Just pull the plaster off. End your friendship by saying that she not welcome at the event and it’s for you and your family. CFs rely on nice people like you never saying no to them. Now is your chance.

Say that you were caught off guard when she said she’d come but you’ve thought about it and you actually are really looking forward to it being family time tomorrow night. Then end with catch up soon xx

Don’t over explain or apologise

Text and say that the kids really want to spend time with just you, so you won’t be changing the booking.

I have a friend who does this. She invited herself and her kids to sleep at my house Yes SLEEP. She wants my partner to go away for a night so she can stay over lmao. I always just have to put her back in her place "no sorry I'm an adult and I don't do sleep overs. Ask so and so instead'. At times if I have been put on the spot and agree. I text her almost immediately after and say no sorry you caught me off guard again and I don't wanna do that. We laugh about it. We get over it. Life moves on. Love her to bits but we have very different ideas on what fun is. Can you try this approach?

I think a sensible message saying the kids want it to be the three of us is the right approach.

Yes. I'll be much more on my guard from now on. Good approach.

Also she can go if it's public say yeah you can go if you want but you will be with your kids and want to spend quality time just with them so you won't be available for chats and drinks. If she turns up and is all up in your space I would just keep interrupting her talking to my kids until she gets the hint.

This is a last resort though. I prefer to be direct and honest with my friends I think it makes for better stronger and lasting relationships.

I’d just text her and say hi friend, good to see you on (day). I’ve been thinking, me and the kids had booked the table as family time rather than extending invites out so we’re going to stick with our original plan. We’d love to see you another time (deliberately vague) enjoy the game! And leave it at that

just like make a joke of it. Me and my friend do it's like a running joke now that she's always inviting herself and I'm always declining.

Then you are making your kids the “baddies” - best to say YOU want it to be the three of you together.

Don't change the booking and tell her you are getting there one hour after it starts.

Yes, that's true.

Hi Emma had a think and actually the kids have end of termitis and I think some much needed downtime just the 3 of us is needed. I’m not going to change the booking enjoy the match wherever you watch it.

A good phrase, is ….. let me get back to you on that I need to think about it. If they push just stop them and say - Emma I have already said I’ll get back to you on that if it’s possible as I need to think about it.

I used to have a friends (30 years) that would invite herself and make me cancel plans etc and then one day I said no. She said hey I’m going to come and stay with you on 30 th June and I said - actually I need to think about it and get back to you if I can. She massively kicked off and then I just texted - visit on 30 th June is not possible. She didn’t like it and we eventually stopped the friendship and she could not accept any sort boundary. But I did phase boundaries in.

‘Hi Sharon, lovely to see you earlier, you mentioned joining us to watch the football. Hope you don’t mind but I just want it to be me and the kids, it’s a special treat for them’. Let’s catch up next week for a cuppa x

Or, easiest way ‘hi mate, spoke to the pub/bar/whatever and they are fully booked, so there’s no room to change my table. Hope you enjoy the match, see you soon’

Surely the venue won’t let you change your booking at this late stage? 😉

I think I'd just say:
Hi XXX, I made the booking just for me and the kids because I really want to spend some quality time with them and they're looking forward to some time spent with me too, so I'm going to keep the booking just for the three of us this time. Have a lovely weekend and catch up soon xx

It can be so hard not to apologise or sort of find yourself asking permission or understanding from the other person, but you'll feel so much better if you just tell the truth and do so simply.

If she and her husband choose to be at the pub too, you can't stop them, but you can just say hello and leave it at that.

‘Hi Sarah, it’s booked chocka & anyway tbh, kids & I are looking forward to a family evening - are you free [x]day for a drink?’

Don’t apologise or get into logistics after that. Hopefully you’ll have refocused her on drinks night. If she does push back on football night just keep repeating family night fully booked anyway about that drink?

The worst that can happen is she contacts the venue herself & books another table, at which point you say ‘ffs Sarah I was trying to be tactful…it’s a family night out for me & dc…’ & let her be offended.

Okay. Lots good thinking here. Am grateful for everyone's advice. Time to take action. I'm going to message.

"hi Sarah. I'm not going to call the pub to change the booking. I want to take the kids for a family outing. Enjoy the game wherever you decide to watch it! See you at X next week."

Ugh. I don't know if I can send that.

Can I just ignore the whole thing and hope they don't show up?

Hi, we've decided to go just us , as a family. Enjoy the game. Catch up soon.

Don't worry about offending her she sounds quite forward.

@ExpressHydration send it. Don’t be a doormat.

You will feel so empowered if you send it. When you start being firm with people and the world doesn’t end it’s like a lightbulb turns on , you’ll find yourself setting boundaries and being upfront with people left right and centre it’s so good

Couldn’t change booking they are full, another time!

OP that’s a great message! Send it!!!!

How about:

'Hiya, i know you mentioned possibly joining us for the football but thinking about it, for various reasons I could really do with some quality time with just me and the kids, so will pass on you joining us this time! See you next week instead, looking forward to it xx'

Very clear on 'not this time' and 'see you next week instead' so you are pointing towards the alternative.