Is it unreasonable to resent my brother relying so heavily on our parents

[BakedPotatoBeansCheeseColeslaw]

Sorry this has turned out so long!

I‘ve recently found myself feeling frustrated at one of my brothers who it feels is pulling a disproportionate amount of resources from my parents because of his poor planning and decision making and just lately I’ve started to feel a touch resentful and possibly a bit jealous.

Essentially it feels as though he has done everything on a whim without thinking about what he can actually afford/facilitate and expected my parents to facilitate him at every turn.

• He married a much older woman who already when he was quite young after not a very long time of knowing each other. Couldn’t afford a wedding so my parents paid for it.
• Despite the fact they were living in her council flat which was already too small, they decided they had to have a baby right away and she gave up work to be a SAHM.
• They couldn’t afford to rent privately or buy but the flat was tiny so they ended up living with my parents for two years with their baby and her existing child, and my parents even gave up their bedroom so they could all be on the same floor and slept in the living room.
• They were supposed to be saving to buy a house but as she wasn’t working it turned out they couldn’t actually afford to buy anything appropriate so when my dad retired he ended up contributing £50k which was supposed to be a loan into the house.
• They are now getting divorced and he can’t afford a solicitor so my parents are paying for it.
• The £50k has been written off so he can afford to keep the house.
• He is living at my parents half the time and using them for free childcare often without even asking if they are free, just assuming they can do it.

My parents are wonderful and they have always tried to treat us equally so I would never discuss it with them. It’s not like I haven’t had any financial or practical help from them either, but I have never needed or asked for it, I have always had a plan to facilitate my life plans independently and any help was a bonus. I’m finding the £50k a bit galling as even though my parents say they will work it out in their wills so it is fair, my husband and I could really benefit from that sort of cash injection now as I am pregnant and we are currently in the middle of upsizing to a proper family home. I would love to be a SAHM but as it is I am going to have to go back to work full time on compressed hours.

I suppose it just feels unfair that my brother gets to repeatedly fuck up or do things without thinking about them and feel no consequences whereas my other brother and I have done everything “right” and don’t feel the benefit in the same way.

My brother is now in the early throws of seeing a woman who has two children of her own and I’m already predicting a situation where they combine households too soon and suddenly can’t adequately house all these children…but it’s okay because my parents will bail him out!

No its not unreasonable.
I have a similar feckless sibling and explained to my DM that repeatedly bailing him out, would mean that he never had to take responsibility (aka grow up). And what would happen when she was no longer here to do that. He was late 50s or early 60s before she finally agreed that it was not kindness in the longer term. He remains feckless and has wasted every opportunity after being given several fresh “starts”. Even I helped financially to start with but to repeat that well know phrase - when someone shows you what they are really like, believe them.

No, it’s not unreasonable, and in their generosity your parents have unwittingly enabled bad behaviour.
I am not sure what you can realistically do about it, except very tactfully make it clear you hope you’ll end up being treated equally in the long run.

People are weird in their haste to support people who don’t help themselves. My mil once asked my husband if he’d mind if she left her house to his brother to ensure he was ok. Bil (while lovely and perfectly intelligent) has never wanted any work stress so does an unskilled minimum wage with fixed hours that gives him lots of time to smoke weed and go to the pub, and rents a room in a shared house.,
Husband works hard and we own our home. So you can see her logic but really not fair, we are not rich plus have kids while he doesn’t.

I was hormonal and pregnant and before I could stop myself blurted out “What’s he supposed to say?!” This didn’t go down well and relations were frosty for a time but eventually over time various discussions were had and she did end up doing an equal split.

Reasonable to resent someone who lacks the basic skill of planning and is not being required to face up to it.

@Minasama ouch that’s really difficult and I suppose similar to how I feel. You could argue that I don’t “need” the help but the reason I don’t need it is because I spent time building a career and investing in my relationship before deciding to marry and have a child.

So in our case, we don’t need that £50k but it would make our life a hell of a lot easier in the same way it’s making his life a hell of a lot easier. With that much off the mortgage I could probably afford to work part time for example.

It’s annoying but not worth giving head space to. Parents often love feeling needed so yours might appreciate you speaking up about sharing their attention and resources. Only you know whether it’s a good idea.

I would be very unlikely to mention it - they would be very upset and say it’s all going to end up fair eventually. Except it doesn’t feel fair because we didn’t get two years to live rent free, and £50k now would make a lot more of a difference to our lives than £50k in 20 years time.

I would definitely say something to him and your parents if he asks or expects money from them again such as with the new girlfriend on the scene.

The new girlfriend is very much an unknown at the moment. Nobody has met her yet and it is very early days. All I factually know about her is that she has two kids of her own, and has recently split up with the father of those kids.

Very (uncannily!) similar to one of my brothers! Hell yes my other sibling and I are resentful. Appalling behaviour from an adult. I dont know what to do about it though 😫

Have you discussed it with your other sibling? I haven’t discussed it with my other brother yet. He also has his shit together though - he’s younger than us (28) but has a professional job and owns a home with his lovely partner who he intends to propose to soon so so far, so appropriate and conventional.

I find it really bizarre because he’s not feckless in other ways. Has always held down a job and never been fired or anything, isn’t in debt, exercises regularly and keeps himself healthy. He had the same upbringing as myself and my other brother. The only difference is that unlike me and younger DB, he found school hard and needed a lot of encouragement to revise etc whereas we were both pretty happy to just get on with it.

He also is the only one of our generation in the family not to go to university but I hardly think that’s prerequisite for making reckless life decisions or that attending university prevents you from doing so (I could write a whole other thread about a friend in that situation)

It's not unreasonable, he is getting more support and it's not fair and he doesnt soubd like he is learning the error of his ways. However, sadly, it's your parents choice to give it (unless you're worried they're being abused/manipulated in some way - if this is occuring you need to take action) and it's also your choice (a good one and a moral one) to not copy your brother by making crap choices then asking for a handout. I'd potentially discuss it with your "together" brother with maybe a view to talking to your parents about how much they're enabling his bad choices by bailing him out and perhaps they need to draw a line. Equally, he's their child and they clearly will want to help him when he gets into this next mess, itll be really hard for them to say no i suspect. I think phrasing it as "how can we all help brother, given he keeps getting into these situations, maybe bailing him out isn't helping him to learn to stand on his own two feet" would be a better angle than "it's not fair he's getting the money".
Some of it also depends how well off your parents are. I think it's a really tricky situation if they're financially bankrupting themselves to fund it, but if they've got savings stacked up then (whilst it's still unfair) it doesn't actually reduce their quality of living (other than them giving up their bedroom which is absolutely wild - what lovely people, and how awful your brother agreed with this plan!) So perhaps for them, they're happy seeing him happy and that's worth it. If they are well off, you could also just ask like he has....
If you are worried there is financial abuse, record the details as much as possible, speak to organisations who can support and the police. However, it sounds more like your parents are just really kind to him!

I have a sibling who is similar, relying on our parents financially, accepting handouts constantly, etc. I've never asked my parents for any money (though I know they wouldn't hesitate to help me if I ever asked). I'm honestly not concerned for myself. Financial independence has always been extremely important to me. DH and I are doing OK, though not wealthy by any means. But it's galling to me that my parents have less money for themselves because they've given so much support to my irresponsible sibling.

ETA: I know it's my parents' choice to spend their money however they see fit. But they are kind and generous people, and my sibling is very emotionally manipulative.

I don’t think my brother is emotionally or financially manipulative tbh, more than he just has learnt helplessness. It’s always been this way. Although I’m younger I always felt like the eldest sibling, was always independent and didn’t need a lot of help.

Squeaky wheel gets the grease

If you need help (financial, childcare) just ask for it

Your parents gave your brother 50k because they were desperate to get him and his family out of their house. It was a last resort after waiting years for him to get it together.
Realistically, could they really give you and your other brother 50k each, do they really have 100k to give?
Their options were probably either give him a deposit to get them out or make them homeless. Your parents chose to throw a large amount of money at the problem to make it go away and it worked your brother moved out of their house.
I’d try and reframe your thinking you’re not a child anymore you’re an adult. That 50k must a been a big financial blow to your parents? Money they really didn’t want to spend? Instead of thinking my brother got 50k and I didn’t, it’s not fair. Try thinking my parents made a really big financial sacrifice but it was worth it so they regained their home. Try thinking my parents never should have been put in that situation but they were and they handled it the best way they could.
Maybe you think they should have thrown your brother out but you say you’re pregnant yourself now imagine that little baby all grown up. What would you do would you throw your first born child out of your house or would you spend 50k to solve the problem?

Maybe every family has one of these siblings 🤣 my sister is similar although I don’t feel resentful I know my other sister does. An example is my parent have booked a fancy holiday next year… my sister said she would go, turns out she doesn’t have the money but never mind mam and dad will pay she can ‘pay back’, my other sister made a huge decision to go self employed 3 years ago so hadn’t been able to afford a holiday / I’ve had 4 kids so havnt felt like we could feesably go abroad yet my other sister gets a freebie 🤣 she is a single mam so does deserve it but my other sister isn’t pleased. Why do the sensible ones end up in the worst position 🤣

I didn’t mind it when it was a loan but now he is getting divorced the loan aspect has been written off and now it is just gift that means he gets a much better house than he could otherwise afford.

Erghhh so annoying and its not a small amount of money.

I'll probably be told i am a mercenary dick but id be raising it with my.parents and basically saying well what about my kids...

50k 5years ago is 65.5k today. If they lige another 25 yrs it's £130,000 to £162,000 in 2050

When they say its fair and will even out I would ask "how exactly? How specifically do they see it evening out??? Why is ypur better house? Where is other brothers lifestyle upgrade???"

I'd also tell him.straight it totally fucking unfair that his car crash of a life means he (as an able bodied man) is bleeding his parent dry aged 40.

I have a sibling whose relationship didn’t work. He and his son have bedrooms at my parents’ house. I’ll put that another way. They’ve pretty much taken over.

He moved in 8 years ago and has no intention of moving out. My parents give me zero support. The last time we went (organised visit - 3 hour round trip with my children) my dad wasn’t there because he’d taken my nephew out there. I was furious - can you imagine how that made my children feel?

It’s part of a pattern of my brother and nephew continually being centred. My brother keeps manufacturing situations where he needs support (he only has his son every other weekend - I have 2 fulltime and a partner working 7 days a week). Either that or he does things to make it uncomfortable so we just won’t be going there anymore.

Just don’t assume your parents are as passive as they seem. In my situation the favouritism was blatant, but it was only once my children came on the scene and it started affecting them that I stopped making excuses and started to call it out for what it really is.

Can you ask your parents for the money if you need it? If they treat you all equally then you should be entitled to the same support. If he asked and you didn't then its not really unfair yet, only if you ask and don't get the same help. Maybe you need to just ask for it.

SIL is a bit shit at life, this is because of choices not because of misfortune and has exploited both her parents because they feel sorry for her. We don’t need their money and it’s not so much about unfairness I just find her pathetic.

I did ask. A few months ago it looked as though DH was going to get made redundant and I asked if they had any money to help us carry on with our move and was told they didn’t have it. I believe they don’t have it - it’s just the reason they don’t have it is they have already given it to my brother

OP, do you have children? Because if you do, his side being centred is a theme that will continue to play out and it will eventually become untenable for you.

I’m sorry, but they do not sound wonderful. Don’t judge them on what they say. Judge them on what they do. It sounds like they’re giving all the support to him and none to you.

I get it. I have a very strong sense of fairness too, and I would 100% feel that this is unfair. But I can also appreciate the point that none of us are ever entitled to our parents money. It’s their money to use how they see fit. I know they are promising to split everything equally in the will, but if they ultimately choose to split it in a different way, or give all the money to him before they die, that’s their prerogative.
Maybe you should ask for some help to pay the mortgage down so you can go part time, they may say yes. They likely are only helping him because he asked, whereas you don’t and don’t look like you need it.