Is it unreasonable to resent my brother relying so heavily on our parents

[BakedPotatoBeansCheeseColeslaw]

Sorry this has turned out so long!

I‘ve recently found myself feeling frustrated at one of my brothers who it feels is pulling a disproportionate amount of resources from my parents because of his poor planning and decision making and just lately I’ve started to feel a touch resentful and possibly a bit jealous.

Essentially it feels as though he has done everything on a whim without thinking about what he can actually afford/facilitate and expected my parents to facilitate him at every turn.

• He married a much older woman who already when he was quite young after not a very long time of knowing each other. Couldn’t afford a wedding so my parents paid for it.
• Despite the fact they were living in her council flat which was already too small, they decided they had to have a baby right away and she gave up work to be a SAHM.
• They couldn’t afford to rent privately or buy but the flat was tiny so they ended up living with my parents for two years with their baby and her existing child, and my parents even gave up their bedroom so they could all be on the same floor and slept in the living room.
• They were supposed to be saving to buy a house but as she wasn’t working it turned out they couldn’t actually afford to buy anything appropriate so when my dad retired he ended up contributing £50k which was supposed to be a loan into the house.
• They are now getting divorced and he can’t afford a solicitor so my parents are paying for it.
• The £50k has been written off so he can afford to keep the house.
• He is living at my parents half the time and using them for free childcare often without even asking if they are free, just assuming they can do it.

My parents are wonderful and they have always tried to treat us equally so I would never discuss it with them. It’s not like I haven’t had any financial or practical help from them either, but I have never needed or asked for it, I have always had a plan to facilitate my life plans independently and any help was a bonus. I’m finding the £50k a bit galling as even though my parents say they will work it out in their wills so it is fair, my husband and I could really benefit from that sort of cash injection now as I am pregnant and we are currently in the middle of upsizing to a proper family home. I would love to be a SAHM but as it is I am going to have to go back to work full time on compressed hours.

I suppose it just feels unfair that my brother gets to repeatedly fuck up or do things without thinking about them and feel no consequences whereas my other brother and I have done everything “right” and don’t feel the benefit in the same way.

My brother is now in the early throws of seeing a woman who has two children of her own and I’m already predicting a situation where they combine households too soon and suddenly can’t adequately house all these children…but it’s okay because my parents will bail him out!

No children yet but currently pregnant.

I have had some support as I said in my OP but not as much. The difference is I never needed it. I have always had a plan of how I am going to do things and then any support is a bonus. My brother does things he can’t facilitate himself so my parents have to step in to prevent disaster.

My bil is like this. He was always depressed and in need of some money to help him so mil and fil just kept giving and buying, wasting thousands over the years.
now fil has died and mil has come to live with us he has cut her off and refused to speak with her. The cash tap turned off and now we see his true colours.

Your situation could be entirely different to mine and I hope so for your sake. But now I’ve stepped back I can see a really unhealthy family dynamic where my brother was always centralised and I was left to get on with it. My mother treats him more like the head of the house than my father, and started triangulating things between my brother and me. Manufactured dramas every three months now (you could set your watch by them) that just seem to be designed to get a rise out of me. I think a lot of it is that they live in the arse end of nowhere and are just bored.

I’d keep an eye on it. You can’t say much about the money without giving them an excuse to call you the bad guy but you’re absolutely right. It’s completely unfair, plus all the continued support he’s benefiting from.

But I’ve come to see that the golden child in our family isn’t helpless. He could cope on his own. He just hasn’t had to because this arrangement suits my everyone, particularly my parents. My mother wants his dependency. She doesn’t want him to leave. And in the same way, he’s doing exactly the same thing to his son. Taking him out of school for days out when he’s already behind. He’s effectively raising a “mate”. Doesn’t seem to appreciate that as someone on the cusp of adolescence the poor kid should be building independence and prepared to thrive on his own terms.

My last straw was when my son asked me why my mother constantly talks about his cousin. It makes him feel like she doesn’t care about him as much. Because she doesn’t. And it’s awful. But there comes a point where you have to stop exposing them to that.

As I say, your situation is probably completely different but I’d definitely keep an eye on it.

So you could have lose your home while pregnant??? And they can't help but they can pay for his divorce lawyer.... nice.

I had exactly same situation with my younger brother who got countless bailouts purely because him and his wife lived well outwith their means— flash car holidays latest gadgets and gizmos - all fine and dandy till the credit card bills came in and they couldn’t pay! They gave him thousands and said they would sort it out in their wills - of course they didn’t get round to it . I feel to this day I was penalised for saving and living within my means!

I'm afraid that you are indeed unreasonable, because you are looking at it from entirely the wrong angle.

Instead of being furious with your brother for leeching off your parents for years, (which would be entirely reasonable of you), it appears that you resent the fact that your parents haven't given you and your other sibling shedloads of money as well. That makes you unreasonable.

It’s more that if they were going to give that amount of money away it would have been nice for it to have been split evenly.

Ah that is very hard!

I’m reflecting on why they feel the need to bail him out so much and I’m wondering if they feel that my other brother and I have had advantages that he hasn’t. We are both educated to postgraduate level with professional careers and the associated benefits of having them. Maybe they feel oldest was on the back foot settling down so young with someone who already had a child whereas younger brother and I have had more conventional experiences.

I do have a good relationship with both brothers as well. It’s just frustrating I guess that there is no reward for doing things properly.

But you're not entitled to any of it. None of you are.

Be angry at your brother for the way he has manipulated them into having to spend so much money bailing him out, not resentful that you too have not benefitted from them.

Your parents should have had that money to help them enjoy their retirement. I doubt very much that they have enjoyed losing so much of it propping up their prodigal son, but they haven't really had all that much choice.

There is no way that they can be sure to leave anything. Care home costs secured against the house could gobble up anything they hope to leave.

I hated that my parents always refused to bail us out but now as an adult I see their point.

I get ya we have similar with my SIL - she is one lazy b. She "runs" her own business but it's not successful she has been bailed out by not only her parents but other relatives too. we are lucky that my inlaws have a good bit of money but mother in law is widowed and could live another 20 years and life has gone expensive lately so dunno how long that's money will last. all siblings have benefited but both my husband and his brother work very hard and very rarely ask for anything and as have been told if money is given can see exactly where its spent but with her it's wasted. she has three kids they all went to private school paid for by my mother. it has got worse over the years. but it's blown up recently as found out she been "paying" her every week we are at 30k this year so far which is shocking. this women is in her mid 50s and has a degree. she plays the victim pleads poor mouth every time she is so privileged it drives me wrong. she inherited the house she lives in has a shop which was bought for her business rented out while she runs her business at home picks and chooses when she opens etc. cribbing constantly
I dont blame mother in law really she just wants an easy life but it's got to a stage now where she can't afford to get matianence on her house as she hasn't enough money. which is how we discover 30k so far this year. I can't really say anything as not my family but my husband is fuming. I am sort of person who can't be nice to someone if I know they are a shite person so now will have to try my best to be civil when I see her 🙄
I disagree with people saying there is one in every family. there is not in mine. yes parents have their favourite it's not me 😆 but they have not subsidised any of us gave us all the same amount of money for our weddings but each of us have worked hard and are successful in our own right and can fund our lives through that
It's very hard not to feel resentment and also not to judge