Am I a brokey and is my family poorer than the average Brit?

[Donnysredcard]

I think I’ve been deluded into thinking I was well off my whole life, to begin with I’m weird af so only had a handful of friends growing up who all had alcoholic/messy parents who didn’t teach them hygiene so no one else wanted to be friends with them except me. That kind of warped my view of things, the kids from normal families never invited me around so I was comparing my clean home (unemployed mum who stayed home and cleaned it) to the home of alcoholics. And in all honesty those families probably had more income than my mum because they had dads who worked. I also got free lunch at school and they didn’t even though they definitely could have done with it.

Obviously growing up we were all told to eat our dinner because other people were starving out there.

I had my children extremely young (massively pregnant at GCSEs) and then Covid hit while they were toddlers and I was always reading in the news headlines along the lines of “half of all British children don’t have a bed” “half of families rely on food banks” “X amount of children have rickets from malnutrition”. Again I thought I was doing better than a large percentage of the population.

Now my kids are in school and they are far more sociable than I was at their age and im socialising with their parents by proxy, it would seem everyone is going on foreign holidays constantly, other kids have branded clothes, not just a few branded clothes but branded everything down to their socks. Everyone seems to have a nice car while I can’t even drive. Etc

This is not an ungrateful whinge I know there are starving children all around the world I’m just wondering if anyone has had a similar revelation?
I’ve never heard anyone say they were unaware they’d been broke their whole life until they were well into their 20s.
Im a little worried about my kids feeling inferior to their friends too I guess

Please don’t worry OP, you will only make yourself miserable. There is a huge range of incomes and circumstances.

Get the best job you can and work hard at it and take some financial advice (try Rebel Finance or even just googling what should I do to improve my finances / financial advice.) It’ll all work out.

It is slang.

There’re Nike socks on Shein and also there are always sales in sports direct

I love this. Your husband sounds so happy and proud of your lives

I grew up poor. Council estate, mum used to not eat so we could, one chocolate bar from a multipack as a treat on a Friday - etc etc.

If you looked at my life from the outside now, you’d assume we’re doing reasonably alright.

We do have two cars - one of them is on finance, it still belongs to the garage really.

We are going on two holidays - one of them is a Haven holiday I got in a sale, and the other is in term time so cheaper.

My son nearly always wears branded clothes. That I generally buy from Vinted. 3 pairs of adidas shorts for £5. A North Face coat for £12. A £6 pair of Stan Smiths.

It would appear more expensive than it actually is, and I’d imagine a lot of the families you’re meeting are doing the same.

I totally appreciate that even those things are luxuries that others don’t have, I get that completely, because that was my childhood.

But I wouldn’t assume everyone is spending £100s on the things you’re seeing, because they’re probably actually doing it in the most cost effective way they can.

Not half, but far too many have 'bed poverty'. I remember a lady setting up a charity to supply them and it being on the news.
www.barnardos.org.uk/news/children-sleeping-floor-and-sharing-mouldy-and-soiled-beds-cost-living-crisis-continues

I just want to add in that I think you sound lovely OP, really thoughtful and reflective and a lovely caring mum. I thought your post was well written. I totally get how your perceptions were shaped by the bubble of your childhood social experiences. We’re continually learning and finding out new things about the world as time goes on. There’s no shame in that. Ignore PPs who are being judgy, it’s mumsnet- you always get a bit of that in every thread! Someone else asked if you got your GCSEs? Have you considered going back to study further? you sound like you might really enjoy studying.

OP I was poor growing up. My mum had five kids and she never worked. Im also poor as an adult with two children (single parent, low income job and no maintenance from my children's dad, social housing and claim UC top up) however my children have far more than me and im trying to instill the importance of education and saving early so they have even more than me. My point is stop comparing yourself to others and focus on providing your children a lovely childhood (money doesnt mean great childhood)
Also I buy everything on Vinted!

Ignore the nasty responses op. Firstly don't assume someone with a expensive car and designer gear are well off. Many people get into debt for these things that they spend along time paying off. As long as your kids are clean, fresh clothes etc noone will care if they are wearing designer or not. Carry on as you are

What about TV families or films?

I'm older than you, but films like Home Alone, Mrs Doubtfire, Lampoons etc gave me a warped impression of normal (obviously, they were all very very very high income).

By the way, I agree with PP who say now you're an adult, don't compare.

I don’t often reply to posts on mumsnet but your post is one of the most interesting I have read and some of the obtuse replies have compelled me too.

It’s not hard to understand that as a child you took on face value your mum was home and sober, your house was clean and you had enough to eat and felt ‘better off’ compared to both your friends and especially those in wider society living in dire poverty. Those were your points of reference.

Then as you got older and fell pregnant young, combined with covid lockdowns, your world was necessarily small, you had nothing to compare it to except, often sensationalist, media headlines of poverty. You were clearly not in that situation, in that, though you had little, your children were loved, fed and clothed.

Now as the world opens and your children’s lives widen and include friends from more affluent and stable families you realise a gap.

I don’t think you have deluded yourself as much as your points of reference have changed and you are navigating a world you are new too. You were poor as a child - everyone you knew was poor, deprivation felt normal. It was the norm for you. In comparison to your friends’ lives, your’s felt secure.

Now you (due to children) have introduced new points of reference. More middle class, functioning and less chaotic families and you compare yourself to them. Your family’s life is secure (loved, warm, fed) but you note the material difference’s and it feels hard. It is confronting as the parameters you use to compare yourself to are widened.

You sound a nice woman, a nice mum and though it might be hard to see now, you are actually helping your children negotiate the transition through class structure. Your children won’t normalise chaotic, dysfunctional family life in the way you did as a child, because they likely won’t be exposed to it as much.

Your mum gave you the gift of a poor but stable home life. And you are giving your children the gift of a stable home life and the expectation of a functioning wider community.

I doubt anyone grows up remembering what socks they wore, especially if they were clean and not full of holes. However they will always benefit from a stable, loving home and normalised expectations as to what functioning family and community life looks like. You are giving that to your children and that is a huge accomplishment.

(Bed poverty is absolutely a thing and is often reported on.)

Wow.

yes but thought barely anyone went to private school which in fairness is true. The people im talking about aren’t living in massive houses and going to private school per se, they are just ordinary people and it’s sort of surprised how much they do/have and sort of put into perspective that I am poorer than I originally thought (not a self pitying whinge just an observation I am grateful for what I have when there’s people out there with no food)

I am also finding contrary to what people say it seems boys/young men care more about expensive fashion then girls because why does almost every boy have branded everything and expensive trainers while a lot of the girls are happily wearing non branded. Although I might just be more aware because both my children are boys.

Your DC’s friend parents are likely 10 to 20 tears older than you. I had my first child at 36. I wouldn’t have been able to afford family holidays in my 20s but with promotions at work, saving and investing, I can afford them now.

Girls tend to buy a lot of fast cheaper fashion from places like shein because for women it’s important to not wear the same thing very often. Boys don’t tend to adhere to that so much but want the trainers and socks especially, to be branded.

I bought my kids up by saying I would buy them decent quality but unbranded clothes, if they wanted branded then they had to wait for birthdays and Christmas or use their own money to top up to branded. Both got part time jobs at 16 and did jobs for relatives/me to earn money on top of pocket money, before that age. It gave them a good work ethic which has continued to adulthood.

Interesting, I just googled this and it also median salary is £39156 in the UK. How can the median salary be higher than the median household income? I am bad at maths so may be obvious explanation

On the Nike socks v no bed point- Nike socks are pretty cheap in the scheme of things, and knock-offs are even cheaper. Not having a bed is not really about not being able to afford a bed but about over-crowded sub-standard housing more generally- it's not that there are lots of kids sleeping on the floor in their own private bedrooms but rather families in eg unsuitable temporary accommodation, where kids are sleeping on the sofa because there's one bedroom for a family of four. That's not a problem the family can easily fix, whereas getting hold of a pair of branded socks is achievable.

To your more general point, OP, a lot of this is location specific. There are areas of the country where large numbers of people live in poverty and areas where almost nobody does. Mean averages often hide a lot of that.

I live in a very ordinary town not known for being rich or poor. I remember reading that one in four children here don’t have a bed. It dosent really stack up with my experience from living here my whole life even my friends whose parents had drinking problems had beds even if it was just a mattress on the floor.
I do wonder if they are counting mattresses on the floor as not having a bed seeing as technically there’s no bed frame?

Well, apart from anything else, not all households have a salaried worker in them. If a household is benefits-reliant, for example.

I also gave them options. I said they could choose to have money to buy lunch at school once a week (couldn’t afford everyday) or they could keep that money and make themselves a packed lunch everyday for the week. It taught them budgeting and how sacrificing things are necessary if you want something else.

Random thought but could you be autistic OP? You say you're weird AF and had few friends, seem a little naive - I just wondered if it could be adding up to you being autistic or ND.

Anyway I'd say that the fact you weren't painfully aware if you were living in poverty is a positive. Better to think you're doing just fine then to be miserable that you don't have more. Branded clothes and expensive cars are not the important things in life OP, money makes life easier in many ways but having more stuff doesn't make people happier - and there's scientific research supporting that.

Not diagnosed but honestly I probably am

I think I get where you’re coming from, OP. I grew up in a small town where everyone knows each other and most people would get married to their first boyfriend/girlfriend out of high school, who incidentally just happened to the best friend of their best friend.

There’s nothing wrong with that at all, but I always felt stifled by the thought of it, so when I was in my early 20s, I moved abroad on my own. It completely opened my eyes and being able to experience different cultures really shaped my view of the world and who I am 20 odd years later. Although I had a good upbringing with supportive parents, many people never leave their “bubble”, and that can be going to uni and spending time with people from a different background/upbringing or it can be living in another country, and pretty much anything in between, but ultimately you don’t know what you don’t know, until you do.

By mumsnet standards I’m probably considered middle class, though I hate the whole obsession with class in this country (that’s a whole other post, though).

What I would say is, try not to equate branded clothing, cars, holidays and other material things as being better off financially. A lot of people who buy these are putting them on credit, and although there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s not giving the whole picture.

I buy supermarket socks because I don’t care if my sock has a logo on it. I buy things I see value in, so sometimes that will mean a pair of Nike leggings, sometimes they’re from Primark. Don’t get me wrong, I like nice things, but I’m not frivolous with my spending and I don’t like to waste money on things just to keep up with whatever the latest trend is or for the sake of showing that I have it.

What I would say is a good indicator of someone being well off is good financial literacy and planning. Do they have a plan for retirement? Are they saving consistently? Are they passing these skills down to their kids?

Although your OP is a bit odd, I do get what you mean! We have a good income coming in but I also can't afford for us all to be dressed in branded everything, eating out, going to theme parks and taking lovely holidays at least twice a year. I honestly don't now how people afford it. And the nice cars. This stuff is all so expensive that I have to assume people are living well beyond their means. It's not possible that so many people are earning so much above the average.

Is a "brokey" a noun or an adjective? I thought it was a typo?