We are the noisy neighbours.

[kaylot]

Daughter, just turned a teen, with level 2 autism who stims by rocking. Us and nextdoor are in bungalows. They are an old couple who hate all noise.
I totally understand my daughter's rocking is making a banging sound. We cannot change rooms. Our bedroom is already our living room with a fold out bed. It hasn't been our priority as i have stage 4 cancer and not even sure i have a future this year.
Earlier in the year we upgraded her bed.
With all the messages from nextdoor we have told them there is only one day a week we can get in her room. She is home educated and only leaves the house this 1 day per week for a home education group. Last week husband tried to tighten the headboard but realised we need a new and smaller one which we have now bought ready to fit. The week before i was having chemo. I spent more and bought mats that go under dryers which is ready. So we have what we think we need for in 3 days. Unfortunately i am also stuck with a hospital appointment on that day every week which lowers the time we have free at home from 4 hours to 2 1/2.
Neither of us can just go in her room when she is home. Her rocking / stimming has started during my illness. Ive had repeated infections where ive had to stay in causing even more stress for her.
Im at the end of my coping. I understand the bang bang is annoying. Husband kept going round to talk to them and they were understanding however a few days ago conversation stopped when husband had to hang up on them when the man said "its not our fault your daughter ain't right in the head".
So, we are the awful neighbours and i am lost at what to do. We cannot move her room around. She is side on against their wall so the headboard isnt banging back against it.
I do not want to take away her ability to stim as its obviously bringing her some comfort. Removing the headboard would therefore distress her.
So, to recap. We have a new smaller headboard ready to swap on wednesday. We have 3 large washing machine/ drier vibration control mats. We cant think of anything else that is quick and easy to do in less than 3 hours.
To add. Sometimes nextdoor complain the moment theres a noise and daughter naturally stops after just a few minutes. Other times she can go for 30-40 minutes. I have not said anything to my daughter as she would be horiified.
Please, anything from anyone

Wedge a few pillows between the headboard and the wall?

Just sending a hug. Really feel for you.

Really sorry this sounds hard. No answers but a virtual hug xx

Can you drape a blanket or duvet over the headboard to cushion it?

Does your DD need the banging noise or feeling to stim or is it just the rocking ? If she doesn’t need the feeling or noise then can you move the bed well away from the wall?

What happens if you go in the room when she’s in there?

I’m sorry this sounds very difficult

Bolt the headboard to the wall, not the bed?

It sounds really hard. But I’m afraid that sort of banging would drive me crazy. Not being able to go in her room when she is there is not a sustainable way of living. Nor should it be allowed to become a reason for not doing anything to mitigate the noise for the neighbours.

It sounds like her world has become very small with only going out once a week and not being on school. Does she not go anywhere else at all? No walks or exercise outside? Or visits to grandparents? I fully understand her safe place is home and her bedroom but it is still important to encourage her to be out and about more than once a week.

That sounds incredibly difficult for you OP. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

do you think you could encourage DD to try something different to distract/sooth herself? Does she have any other support apart from yourselves that might have some suggestions? Could anyone go into her room while you’re at your hospital appointment to see what solutions there might be? Although I realise your DD would (rightly) see this as disrespectful to her privacy if she notices.

are you working with any outside agencies to support DD and, separately, yourself?

Its not banging against their wall, it seems that the headboard (now broken) is somehow travelling noise through the floor to them. (Thankyou chat cpt).

I would most likely complain too. It sounds like it can drive a neighbour crazy.

Can’t you just remove it?

Me too. I don't know what the answer is you are trying all you can.

Sending hugs to you all.

My DD used to do this. We moved the bed away from the walls so she was able to stim but there wasn’t any banging. If that doesn’t work, could you look at getting a Safe Space bed? These are on the floor and have flexible sides which would allow stimming but reduce all noise.

https://safespaces.co.uk/families

Goodness, I am sorry to hear about your situation. This is hard.

What is the reason for not having kindly explained the problem to your daughter? Even if she is autistic, she ideally needs to learn to consider others (or is she so severely affected that she has no comprehension ability?) and try to adapt her behaviour so it causes less disturbance? . Maybe she would have had a solution. Maybe if she understood what a problem she was causing, she would stop?
Is there a compassion for old people angle that would work with her?

His language wasn’t kind, but those aren’t the words of an educated person and maybe he had no more elegant and sensitive way to express the sentiment?

Could you move the bed away from that side of the room or put a crash mat behind it? Or redirect it into something else that’s similar like a rocking chair. Look up the sensory input types and see which you think she is seeking. It sounds like vestibular and proprioceptive so look at alternative things that could be used.

Pull the bed away from any walls. Not fair on your neighbours to have to live with that banging

A level two autistic person is unlikely to be able to make adjustments for a neurotypical person in this way. Level two autism requires "substantial support".

You've got enough to deal with without whining neighbours. I'd just start ignoring them. The not right in the head comment about a child was disgusting and if they are putting this on you knowing you're going through cancer treatment they are just awful, awful people who don't deserve any consideration.

I mean as rough as you have it right now I can see why they've got empathy fatigue.

Thankyou so much. Will look at those now, brilliant

This.

I’m sorry you are going through such an awful time.

As a child who banged her head on the headboard to self soothe my parents simply removed it and actually it was fine so that might be a reasonable option.

Could you try a padded fabric headboard?
I wouldn’t have banged on that because the stimulation wouldn’t have been right.

I would have upped my thumb sucking to compensate.

I would definitely recommend getting a safe space bed, it is a godsend.

i am so sorry for all you are going through 💐

Let them complain away, you have bigger things to worry about.

Just wanted to say thankyou. Your understanding bought a lump to my throat