How do you help your child to think about life after university?

[Afteruni]

We all know how tough the job market is for new graduates at the moment. And this will presumably get worse, because of AI.

My DC has one more year at a Russell Group university doing an essay type degree that doesn't lead to anything in particular. Up to now, their approach to thinking about job/career options has been to keep their head in the sand. There's vague talk of doing an MA, perhaps abroad (which would also lead to nothing in particular), which would of course add to their debt. DC is bright but doesn't love academic work in any event, so I'm not encouraging more education that doesn't actually help towards a particular career path. DC hasn't gone for any of those hard-to-get internships which can lead to jobs in the City. They have however done a number of summer jobs (so there is some evidence of work ethic, working in a team, customer service) and have managed to organise a couple of one-off internships locally, but they were prodded to do those things. One of their strengths is that they're nice to be around - they get positive feedback from the people they work with.

I've bought DC what looks like a very useful book designed to help people still at university to consider careers. This remains unread at the moment. I've also said that I would pay for a psychometric test if we can find one that would help DC to work out which direction to go in. I've also said that I would offer some financial help (finances are limited though) to do a postgraduate course if it qualifies them for a specific career path. I've suggested a few career options which I think might suit them (though getting a job would be difficult, as for most things). None of this has had any visible impact. I've urged them to speak to their university careers office for guidance, but they haven't done so yet.

I feel that DC is heading towards leaving university without any real plan, let alone a job, with a large debt, possibly doing a course they're unlikely to enjoy and which will add to their debt and leave them no more employable. Living at home wouldn't help them, because we live in an area where there's very little employment. They're not grasping or accepting how tough the job market is, and that it's unlikely a fun, exciting and well-paid job will just land in their lap.

I'm sure I'm not alone in having a DC who is at this stage. Does anyone have any advice, or any experience to share?

Tell him to engage with the career service- activities/ talks/ employability sessions.

I had a shop job at 16, pre GCSE, then another shop job at 22, post degree - five doors down.

I was probably a head in the sand type as well. Plus, I assumed all the "proper" jobs were for the "proper" grown up students - and didn't have the confidence to put myself in that category.

You don't actually have to "worry" about them at all - of course.

Not that you won't - but it is now their adult life to lead - part of the excitement for them, and a sense of almost completion for us as full time parents.

I talked about it a lot!! Asked questions about who she’d applied for, what sort of roles etc and made it very clear that it was to be full time work whether that be in an area she wanted or not, there was no discussion about anything other than full time.

she worked hard alongside her dissertation to apply for roles and secured a job starting a month after leaving uni in her field in London. I had to be hard nosed about it tbh but she was very responsive and wanted to work and knew the sort of direction she needed to take. She job hunted daily tbh.
my youngest will graduate next year and knows the drill!

Aww I feel for you, it's tough out there!
Could you talk to DC about the various jobs they had and what they enjoyed doing? Maybe there is a job or career path there for them. One of my DC friends is doing an apprenticeship on the back of their degree. So don't discard these, even if the money isn't great.

Unis usually do a career fair, so it's worth going and actually engaging with the people there- that's how my DC got their job at end of year 3.

If DC really wants to do a masters abroad, there are a few European countries that have no tuition fees. But they will need to be self-sufficient and work to pay for food & accommodation. Might be worth exploring, just not sure about Brexit rules, as mine are dual citizens so no issues with work visas.
(My DC wants to work for 2 years in UK Grad job and then do masters specialising.)

Just remember your DC still has 6-9 months to make up their mind.

While I understand what you’re saying here, I also appreciate and understand the OPs concerns.

Degrees do have a bit of a shelf life to a certain extent and I know plenty of people who ended up with a degree, went home to wherever, worked in the local bar or Morrisons or did a bit of admin work and somehow ten years went by and that was that.

that’s not to panic you unduly @Afteruni , but I understand!

I think that you should step back. They are no longer a child.

Have a conversation, by all means. Its not for you to action though. You won't do your adult child any favour by managing their lives for them.

You step back, and let them work it out for themselves.
But, before doing so, you tell them that you won't house and fund them ad infinitum. So if they want to continue to live in your house, they will have to get a job - even a crappy one - and pay at least a small chunk of their wages to you for food and lodging. That should focus their mind!

I don't agree with the step back sentiments as some young people, more than others, need helpful guidance when starting out. Perhaps more so in this hard economic climate for young people. You often hear of young people who are finding it hard to even get what were considered stop-gap lower paid jobs to start with. When my dcs both graduated I would sometimes point out possible jobs for them to apply for. In one case, in particular, my ds said he didn't meant all the criteria so wasn't going to apply. I encouraged him to and he got the job! His girlfriend works in HR and says that employers often ask for a big list of criteria that they know they probably won't get, so don't be put off if you don't tick all the boxes!

If only my DC was like this! I have a niece who has always been very high-achieving and ambitious, and had a fantastic CV by the end of University. They're still like that now that they're well into their career.

I do worry about interfering too much, and am careful about what I say and do. The fact is that I found all their holiday jobs for them - they didn't take the initiative to search for holiday jobs. Once in those jobs, they worked hard, and they now at least have something on their CV. They also enjoyed having their own income. I also basically found their 2 internships for them. Internships are hard to find, I initially didn't do anything to pressure them on this, and they never went to the careers office, never looked up internships that were advertised there, so had no internships organised. I then stepped in last minute, managed to think of 2 places that might offer useful internships, found out which individual would be most likely to give them a positive response, and DC then just had to write the email and have the online interviews. Both of those places said yes, despite not having offered internships in the past. They were both good experiences, but DC hasn't been inspired to the extent of wanting to go into those particular jobs, unfortunately. I think there's a bit of a pie in the sky attitude of thinking they'll miraculously land a genuinely interesting job, deciding policy or something exciting like that. I'm sure those jobs are going to very go-getting high flyers.

So should I just let go and let DC sink or swim? There's recently been some muttering about how hard things are for young people, how older generations had everything so much better, etc, and how employers should provide a nicer working experience so that young employees don't suffer from mental health issues. But in a difficult employment market that's really not what employers want to hear. They want to know what young people can do for them, not vice versa, and almost every job is hard to come by.

This makes my DC sound awful, but they actually have a lot of good qualities and I think they have the potential to be a really good employee. Once they're in the job and know how to get on with it. They have pretty good people skills, and that's really important.

I sympathise with you and whilst recognising the difficult job market that new graduates are being thrust into, it's important that they have some tools for surviving and thriving. I think you're doing fine so far, but really your DC needs to at least begin to contemplate the consequences of inaction. Do you talk with your DC about living arrangements after uni? Will you let her/him live at home for free for an unlimited period? If they are intending to do an MA abroad, how are they going to fund that and what's their reasoning for doing so?

There comes a point in the life of a parent when you have to accept that your child is an autonomous adult. They will come to resent your 'helpful' advice and encouragement and will view it as interference, and you just have to step back and let them get on with it.

All they need to know is that their family is a safety net if it all goes tits up.

By asking the child how they’re going to support themselves now they’re an adult and btw we’re downsizing.

You sound like such a lovely mum OP, and all the parents who have offered their kids support and help in that area. I had no steer from my parents and didn’t know where to start. A lot of my peers had stuff already set up with family members/friends businesses and I had just been head in the sand with no real plan.

as that type of young person I really could have done with some on-hands pushy/supporting parenting because I ended up working for agencies doing menial crappy jobs (geaduated into the recession) and it really is only now 20 years later that I’ve finally found a career/job that I want and like.

my degree was English. I wanted to be a journalist back when there was still loads of magazines and papers were popular. But no idea where to even begin.

I will be pushing my kids to have an idea much much earlier than me and then something solid in place following graduation even if they do end up mediating away and going into something else. It did not feel good for my self esteem.

It doesn't make your DC sound awful at all, they sound like the child of a parent who steps in and organises everything for them.

It really might be helpful for you to reflect on why you are so scared of letting them learn for themselves.

When they say it's hard for young people, just agree (because it is) and ask them what help they'd like from you. Tell them it's great they've got a degree and list a couple of other strengths. Tell them you believe in them and will be happy to listen to any ideas they have.

We definitely need to have a conversation or 2, but I can't push it too hard. DC has mentioned young people living at home for ages because of not being able to afford housing and how unfair it all is. I responded by agreeing that it's unfair, but mentioning that living at home wouldn't really work in this case as there is no employment where we are. There's rarely anything available here apart from care work and occasional shop work. I've offered to pay for DC to do a course in teaching English as a foreign language, so if necessary they could head off abroad and do that for a while while gaining some life experience.

I've actually always encouraged DC to be independent, and they've done lots of independent travel, holiday jobs etc. But they appear to be in - maybe it's a funk - at the moment. They're been focusing on enjoying the social side of university, and not thinking of it as in part a time to work out what they may be able to do in the future.

A big yes to that. We ensured that DS considered careers advice service when he was choosing his Uni and attending open days etc - always got him to go to the careers talks and depts. The standard of career advice was one of his determinants when choosing his Uni. Right from his first few weeks, we got him to engage with their careers service, attending all talks and seminars and then taking up all available one to one sessions such as CV writing/review, one to one mock interviews, mock group interviews, and also talks on "modern" recruitment such as how to navigate the awful new online pyschometric and aptitude tests etc. We basically got him thinking about future careers and job hunting from his first few weeks at Uni and then momentum set in and he kept attending whatever events etc they were putting on.

I've done all of that. I genuinely think they'd make a good employee, in part because of their people skills, and I've told them that. The issue with interfering is that if they organise nothing for themselves, and you wait and wait and they still organise nothing, then they end up with no work experience and nothing to put on their job applications. And these things really make a difference.

The question to ask yourself is: so what?

You're scared of what exactly?

If you always step in, you are the barrier to them developing their own initiative.

I've mentioned the careers service several times and suggested DC go and see them and see what they offer. DC initially insisted that they were online only, and I literally had to google them to show DC that they are in fact a building and you can go there whenever you want. That was a couple of years ago, and I don't think DC has been there yet. I think there's some kind of mental block about life after organised education.

Considering how expensive it is to go to university and how few jobs there are subsequently, unless the degree is career specific, I think it’s a question of taking any job afterwards and working your way into a career then.

A relative has just finished at a Russell Group university and has no idea what to do next, other than to go on holiday and be with friends. She has had the best time though for three years and that experience is priceless if you enjoy it so much. I look back at my time with great pleasure and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

She is an adult and will ultimately have to find her path, but let her enjoy this time. It won’t come again.

Unfortunately DC isn't particularly enjoying the academic side, not all of it anyway, but they are enjoying the experience as a whole.
I agree that the key thing is to get into a job, and then to learn from that and move on when you have a better idea of what you want to do and have gained some skills. But preferably not a shop or care worker job if that's not a career you're interested in.

Interesting views, I have been trying to support my husband's nephew whilst he was undertaking his A Levels and like most teens, quiet and everything seemed like hard work with him, his social skills etc., despite coming from a single-parent family, he has the most wonderful family I have ever known. The fault is possibly his mum finishing his sentences and bringing his food to him on a plate whilst he games. He has now decided he does not want to go to Uni and didn't do so well in mocks. However, when asked what he has been doing his mum said "we will tackle it after the World Cup is over.".....my despair was evident, and sadly I have now just given up on him, and find it challenging to be positive with him as i think it could be seen as a reward for being a slob is this wrong? I am trying to remain still and non-judgmental. My husband feels so strongly that he has changed his will as we have no kids.....so some lucky donkeys will get some nice bits when we go!

What I'm scared of is DC not getting any job they're remotely interested in, having to go through a never ending job search with constant rejections, not being able to afford reasonable accommodation, getting depressed, etc. But maybe that's just not my problem. I don't regret helping them find holiday jobs and internships though - they've gained a lot from those things and would otherwise just have been sitting at home.