Escaping DV- how do I do this?

[Aloeapple]

I have been in a toxic relationship for 6 years. We have 2 young children together. When things are good, everything seems great and I think we could have the perfect life together but if we argue or even just disagree on something he can be awful. The hope that we could sort things to just become the good version of plus kept me hanging on but I have realised I 100% need out. I kept trying to but kept getting drawn back in. I have been receiving support from women's aid and found out yesterday that they have me under a red classification which means they view me as high risk of serious harm or domestic homicide. That has lit a fire under me.

I am getting out but trying to work out how to do it safely. One thing is that I stupidly gave up my career as I wasn't coping with things at home alongside my job however prior to kids I excelled in my career, was quickly moving up the leadership ladder and being headhunted. I went down to part time and eventually took a career break which I am still in but coming to the end of (although it can be extended). However we have since moved 1.5 hours away from our old workplace. Earlier this year I started trying to set up my own business, something that I had been wanting to do for many many years. A number of formalities have delayed certain aspects and so I am not yet making any money from it but it has become very well known publicly in our local area and I am receiving a significant number of requests and enquiries around it.

We own our home together however I put in far more than him for the deposit as I had good savings before kids (they are mainly gone now). We live somewhere fairly rural where housing is expensive and hard to come by, even rentals are hard to find. We got our home at a good price. My parents have said that they could lend me money to buy him out, however as my new business is not yet earning I would not be able to get a mortgage.

My options are to try to find a rental which will be half the size and likely be a flat with no garden but cost the same as my current mortgage. This means moving my children home but I could hopefully start bringing in enough from my own business to support us once I get it going properly.

Two jobs have come up locally that are in my field and I could apply for. These are permanent full time posts that would enable me to get a mortgage for our home on my own and I would have enough money and space for an au pair to help with childcare. One is more local and a higher salary but has a far higher workload and is fairly high stress. The other involves a lot of travel within our region, good salary but not as high as the other post and likely to also be quite high stress (but potentially slightly less than the other role). Historically I thrived on this stress and it was something that made me good at my job, we work in very challenging situations and I never flapped or flustered and could keep a level head which many often found hard in those situations. However I am now in a very different headspace. At the moment I find my brain shutting down after an argument with DP, I go into survival mode and I'm just functioning enough to get by. I'm worried that I won't be able to cope with this type of role however I wonder if I get one of them and I am out of my current relationship then maybe I can get back to that person who could do the job.

My other option would be to go back to my previous employer on a part time basis. I would obviously earn significantly less part time and would need to travel a long commute on my working days but I could potentially try to continue my business on my non-workinb days.

As I said, where we are is fairly rural and work opportunities are never guaranteed so I don't know when any of these would come up again.

What would you do?

He knows I'm not happy. He does try and that's when we have the good times that make me stay. He did go for alcohol support earlier this year but it didn't last.

He is good with the kids a lot of the time but sometimes he can't cope with stress (sometimes he can but it depends what else is going on as he can't always) so there's times where he deals with normal difficult kid behaviour badly, like he can't cope if the wee ones have a tantrum sometimes and will just walk away but in an abrupt way that feels horrible. They dont see when he's bad to me most of the time. It's always when they're asleep.as that's when he drinks.

During the day when he's not drinking he is really involved, loving with them, takes them to do loads.

That's so awful. Did you get him charged?

It was the guy behind the bar who told me about the spiking not my exH, it didn't seem to matter to him that I was on medication & both of us knew how much I could have to drink so I'd be safe and capable of looking after DD during the night if I needed to, she was 3 when this was happening - I couldn't understand why I was legless when I knew I'd only had 3 drinks. It's a wonder I didn't end up unconscious or worse - then he'd have blamed the man behind the bar - no way would exH have owned up to that. I never told him that I knew until the night before I left, me and the guy behind the bar did a double act & shot him down in flames, he still wouldn't admit it. I was ashamed that my own husband and father of our child would do such a thing but he did and he'd put me through enough. He wears a uniform or should I say hides behind it but he wasn't dragging me down with him any further, I'd had enough. I can't imagine what would have happened if I'd called police, I wanted out safely so best to let him keep his job & pay maintenance for his trouble. It didn't end there though, we had 4 years in family court & he trashed every hearing - but in the end the courts saw through him, DD also suffered during contact times which is something else I'll never forgive him for - emotional abuse of a child.

Have you had their mother's version of events? Given the circumstances I would be concerned about him going for custody of your children too.
Control doesn't stop when you leave with men like this.

I've not had her version but I've had my stepson's and it doesnt place either of them in a great light. I would be surprised if he went for custody, where he will be annoyed and get angry is when I don't allow overnights because of his drinking. He didn't go for custody of my stepson, he was removed from their mum by social work. The one thing I do have is a better idea of how he responds to things after splitting because I saw how he responded to his ex. I know that even once stepson was removed from his mum he supported and fostered a good relationship between them, even when her behaviour made that difficult he never said anything negative about her to stepson. I know that the anger is a possibility if he were to feel like I was blocking access to his children at all, the issue is that because of his drinking I will need to limit access to certain days and times and possibly supervised if I have concerns he is drinking during the day (which he currently doesnt). Right now my focus is to leave and then I will worry about contact after that depending on how the situation stands once I've left.

Just to say, I’ve spoken to a solicitor previously and the idea that you will be able ‘to limit access to certain days and times’ is naive. Also supervised contact only happens if you can prove serious physical harm from father to child eg bruising or burns etc. it will be a long uphill battle to prove he is a danger to your child and therefore get a judge to enforce supervision