Escaping DV- how do I do this?

[Aloeapple]

I have been in a toxic relationship for 6 years. We have 2 young children together. When things are good, everything seems great and I think we could have the perfect life together but if we argue or even just disagree on something he can be awful. The hope that we could sort things to just become the good version of plus kept me hanging on but I have realised I 100% need out. I kept trying to but kept getting drawn back in. I have been receiving support from women's aid and found out yesterday that they have me under a red classification which means they view me as high risk of serious harm or domestic homicide. That has lit a fire under me.

I am getting out but trying to work out how to do it safely. One thing is that I stupidly gave up my career as I wasn't coping with things at home alongside my job however prior to kids I excelled in my career, was quickly moving up the leadership ladder and being headhunted. I went down to part time and eventually took a career break which I am still in but coming to the end of (although it can be extended). However we have since moved 1.5 hours away from our old workplace. Earlier this year I started trying to set up my own business, something that I had been wanting to do for many many years. A number of formalities have delayed certain aspects and so I am not yet making any money from it but it has become very well known publicly in our local area and I am receiving a significant number of requests and enquiries around it.

We own our home together however I put in far more than him for the deposit as I had good savings before kids (they are mainly gone now). We live somewhere fairly rural where housing is expensive and hard to come by, even rentals are hard to find. We got our home at a good price. My parents have said that they could lend me money to buy him out, however as my new business is not yet earning I would not be able to get a mortgage.

My options are to try to find a rental which will be half the size and likely be a flat with no garden but cost the same as my current mortgage. This means moving my children home but I could hopefully start bringing in enough from my own business to support us once I get it going properly.

Two jobs have come up locally that are in my field and I could apply for. These are permanent full time posts that would enable me to get a mortgage for our home on my own and I would have enough money and space for an au pair to help with childcare. One is more local and a higher salary but has a far higher workload and is fairly high stress. The other involves a lot of travel within our region, good salary but not as high as the other post and likely to also be quite high stress (but potentially slightly less than the other role). Historically I thrived on this stress and it was something that made me good at my job, we work in very challenging situations and I never flapped or flustered and could keep a level head which many often found hard in those situations. However I am now in a very different headspace. At the moment I find my brain shutting down after an argument with DP, I go into survival mode and I'm just functioning enough to get by. I'm worried that I won't be able to cope with this type of role however I wonder if I get one of them and I am out of my current relationship then maybe I can get back to that person who could do the job.

My other option would be to go back to my previous employer on a part time basis. I would obviously earn significantly less part time and would need to travel a long commute on my working days but I could potentially try to continue my business on my non-workinb days.

As I said, where we are is fairly rural and work opportunities are never guaranteed so I don't know when any of these would come up again.

What would you do?

I would get a full time job, then you can get the mortgage and have a stable family home.

I think the time for your own business is when other parts of your life are stable.

i wish you the best of luck! I have some similar things going on at home too

Thank you. I hope you manage to get out too.

I guess I'm just scared of not being able to cope with the full time job with my current mental capacity, but I know that's because of the situation I'm in. If I got the job I could leave before starting as it doesnt start until later in the year and then I hope that I would be in a better place mentally but I'm so scared that this relationship has broken my mind to the point that I can't cope with the job the way that I once could. It's a small community and this is a very prominent job within it so it would be awful if I started and then quit due to being unable to cope.

I totally get you. I’m a sahm because I went back to work for a year after DC1 and then realised I was alone with doing all child stuff evenings and weekends. He saw it as my job. I thought fck this I’m struggling at work and struggling being a mum something has to give.
i couldn’t give work 100% so I know how you feel and where your fear is coming from.

Youre lucky if you can go back to a fairly mid or high level in the same industry. I think I’ve thrown my job down the drain. It’s been 4 years I won’t be able to go back to my managerial level. I would be entry level again. It’s a huge thing.

i think if you can harness some of the energy to kick ass at the job (anger, anxiety, fear? Any powerful emotion) and channel it into the job and know it’s for your peace of mind and for your kids then that would be amazing.

one day I know I’m not going to going to live with an angry man any more and I just keep putting one step in front of another til I get there

As someone who’s now 2.5 years on who had help from women’s aid and now in a home of our own. If it’s an abusive relationship which having women’s aid involved and from what you are saying, it is. It does not get better it is a cycle.

at the time I didn’t drive, had my business that was up and down financially but no day to day job. I gave up a lot to be the stay at home parent as my ex was a high earner and what I thought was what we both wanted.

I made many many threads before I actually did anything. I would make a thread then carry on with my head in the sand until the next episode happened.

You need to plan. Get a part time job alongside your business. Re train if your current carer isn’t going to work. Drive or save to do so. Save money aside if you safely can do so. This is something I wish I did later on. Bottom line actively work on getting out. I think most of what kept me for so long was believing I couldn’t do it alone but there is support in place you could also go on universal credit for self employed/ in work.

What do Women's Aid actually do to help victims of DV - I'm genuinely interested in the help and support they provide and where it ends, they've identified that you're a red classification but what happens going forward? Is it upto you to find a solution, a place of safety etc? I remember years ago looking for help but women's refuges seemed to be all that was on offer. It's a really dangerous place for any woman (or man) to be in, I'd been threatened with a belt and a noose so it was really unsafe. Hugs to you x

I can go into their refuge if I need to and they are giving me support to discuss my options and I was given a support worker as a matter of urgency (there is a waiting list for them, I haven't actually heard from the support worker yet though but I was told on Thursday I would hear from them on Thursday or Friday). For a lot of the stuff they have referred me to other places, that's something that Ive found hard as they can't help with any legal advice, which is fair enough, but even the basic stuff they suggest I speak to a solicitor and give me recommendations but I spoke to one last year who was recommended by them and was charged £750 for an hour's worth of advice. It was good to know where I stand on a legal front but my parents had to pay it for me. None of the solicitors in our area accept legal aid (or those who do have reached their limit).

However we have since moved 1.5 hours away from our old workplace

This is a great time to end your career break go back to your job and move closer to your place of work with the kids.
It puts distance it gives you income and its a known event..startong a totally new job is a lot more demanding

Returning to your career is going to o
give you muchore stability than trying to :
Start your own business (notoriously demanding)
Leave an abusive relationship
Fend off your abisove ex who is 5 mi down tje road
Raise 2 kids

Do your parents live within commute distance to your old job????

Well done for getting out!

I've done the same and have written so many threads under different names. Ive known for years I need to leave but I get sucked into the cycle. He has a drink problem and I used to blame that and think that if he addressed that then we would be fine but I don't even know if that's true now and to be honest even if it was and he did address it, I think too much has happened for me to ever feel the same with him. But even last night, he was drinking and just being a nasty dick to me and then today acting like the perfect partner and as though nothing has happened. And the easiest way to get by is for me to act like nothing has happened as well but that also makes it so easy just to slide back into it all. But I've now been through the cycle so many times that I never feel relaxed, even when it seems okay, because I know it's going to turn, it's just a case of when.

Hi op i don't know how valuable my contribution will be but I had to say something

I think don't worry about getting a job yet, you need to get out of the relationship and house first. Can you go to the refuge and then start to plan your life going forward from there? Get a benefit claim set up in the meantime so you can get your own place.

I left my husband 6 years ago and I rented a house that was 3/4 of my salary but the peace i felt was so fantastic it made up for any loss in disposable income and the big, lovely house I had left behind.

I think the priority is getting out. These men, when they perceive you making plans to leave or better yourself, they become worse with the violence and anger. They get to a point where they will do or say anything to keep you from going. It's like a sixth sense. So I think you need somewhere safe to go first before you change anything else about your life.

My situation was slightly different as my ex left the house before me so I could make plans and move out without him there, but I appreciate that is rare.

Good luck op, stay strong. You are worth more than this. The other side is just so much better, no amount of money or anything else can make up for the freedom of being able to come and go as you please, buy what you want, have peace and quiet, and not be walking on eggshells constantly.

Rooting for you 💐

So where we used to live is even further from my friends and family and I have less of a support network there than I have here. I absolutely love living where we are are the kids love it too and are so settled. I want to find a way to stay here even if it means commuting, we feel a part of the community here that we never did in our old home. Funnily enough where we used to live is where all DP's friends and family are, but they never helped and just caused more stress. I'm very much part of the community here but as DP works away, he isn't.

I can get out while he isn't here as he works away a lot. I just feel like I know for my kids that the best thing would be to stay in this house. Once he is out, he wouldn't find a place to stay in the area as it's so hard and would likely move back to his old hometown which is over an hour from here. I know he would still cause some issues potentially but I just imagine peace when I think of it being just me and my daughters living here.

It's exhausting being married to a drinker, and it's soul destroying, you just can't win with them so you end up playing along to keep yourself safe - but it's no life for you and your children. Do you look back and see the flaws were there all along - I do - and I buried my head in the sand because I was ashamed I'd fallen for someone who thought very little of anyone except himself. The saying 'you made your bed, you lie in it' stuck with me but it didn't start out that way, the first couple of years were the happiest but there were still 🚩 in amongst it. Then the slippery slope takes hold.

I believe that these men come from homes where their dad was also a drinker and their mum was stuck in the same cycle as we find ourselves in with their sons - it's certainly the case in my last 2 relationships, both drinkers, both their fathers were drinkers and both their mums pretended there was nothing wrong, just hushed it up until the next time - misogynists and their suffering wives and children. Bet their parents are proud they've passed on their mistakes/ abuse onto their children and now their grown children's wives and children are suffering the same abuse. My inlaw's knew, but they never acknowledged their son's behaviour, instead his dad once said to me 'our xxxx wouldn't do that' and just tried to sweep it under the carpet. That was the first and last time I asked them for help. It taught me a lot - no-one wants to get involved but when somebody ends up dead they blame the victim. I got out but according to MIL I was the 'funny one' and I don't mean my sense of humour.

Always put yourself first because he won't. He's your 3rd child.

I dont meant to be blunt

I just feel like I know for my kids that the best thing would be to stay in this house

You are classified as red.
If he knows where you are it's going to be very easy for him to kill you.
And having a dead mother isnt best for your kids.

Trust me from my own experience when i say you should move.

My mum slowly moved things out and we literally left one day when he went to work. He went to extreme lengths to try and find out her address and ended up going around to one of his family members houses breaking in... this was in a bid to get our new address. He didn't and absolutely trashed the house. Im talking destroyed sofas.were slashed books destroyed all crockery smashed clothes burned in the garden.
It was insane but that was whem I really realised HOW fucking dangerous he was

After that I had zero complaints about living with my mum and brother in a small 1 bed.

Please take care of yourself, please do not underestimate him.

Edit:
It taught me a lot - no-one wants to get involved but when somebody ends up dead they blame the victim

This is 100% my experience. No fucker wanted to get involved and my mum was "blamed" when she left.
And if shed been killed everyone would have shrugged and say "who cpuld have known she probably provoked him"

My uncles who were divorced themselves kept trying to convince their sister to go back to him 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

Oh my God this is absolutely spot on! Except in DP's case, his mum drinks also. I didnt realise that she did and thought for years she was the sensible one in all this but then started to see it. They all convince themselves it's alright because they only drink in the evenings and only wine and beer, but they drink plenty of it. And I was the same where I look back and see the red flags now but at the time I didn't see how they were red flags. Especially over covid as we were bubbled together and we were sheltered from any other stress of the world and it was common for people to drink more. He is also incredibly fit and active and doesn't fit the stereotype of an alcoholic at all.

I totally get this and call me stupid but for so long I've ignored my gut feelings, but there is something in my gut telling me that the best thing for me and my children is to stay in this home. I would obviously precautions to stay as safe as possible.

Dear OP
I don't mean to be harsh either but from what you describe you need to get out now. Yesterday. Please take the help offered to you and the advice. He could potentially hurt your children too. Trust women's aid they have seen 1000s of cases and would not prioritize you if the alarm bells were not ringing. He will not be rational about leaving your house. You need to get yourself somewhere safe. And especially your children. Regarding work, you are not in a place to make a decision yet, but it will come to you when you are less in survival mode. Your body knows you're in danger, please listen to it. All the best.

It's interesting this is your viewpoint - my DM concluded she couldn't actually trust her own judgement given it led her to her current situation.

Before you set your course on staying put i'd suggest you take advice from women's aid.

Precautions dont stop a determined deranged man.

I really wish you a lot of luck - my father seemed to love "the cycle" too... the very minute you half relaxed and thought "okay this might be alright" and began to unflinch he'd start up again.

I'd personally taking any accomodation they are offering you and just get the fuck out.
Honestly ask yourself: At what price freedom?
You dont need any of the stuff, your kids will adjust... they you need alive

Genuinely thank you for the advice but as I said to the previous poster, I have spent years ignoring my gut and going by the advice of others (which often included other people downplaying his issues). This women's aid team have been helpful but despite them classing me as such high risk, they have also done things I have specifically asked them not to which could have caused real issues for me, including one staff member once calling me to ask a completely unnecessary question. My partner was not there but my stepchild was and I kept telling her that now was not a good time to speak and yet she continued to keep trying to get me to speak to her and answer her question. I know myself and my own situation and I am learning to think for myself and go by my own intuition. I am happy with the plan that I am making to leave in terms of getting my ducks in a row first. He has never actually physically harmed me and while I'm here I am not in danger but I do believe that the danger will be when I go and so I am putting everything that I can in place. I have also been advised that I could apply for an occupation order to ensure that he is not able to come near the house and I can continue living in it with the children for a set period of time. He would be arrested for coming near the home in this case.

Also you don’t want to give him any share of a successful business. Can you go back to your previous employer full time? And your parents help with childcare? How much do you want this house and not 50%?

eg buy a new place near your parents

When I said about his parents & drinking I didn't mean now, I mean what was going on at home when he was growing up, was there friction between mum & dad?

You say you have a stepchild, what happened in his previous relationship and how does he behave towards his child and his ex?

I dont want to live near my parents. My parents can be helpful and they are definitely being supportive now in helping me to leave but they can also be very controlling, I think the extent to which they tried to control me and my decisions, even into adulthood, are a big part of why I've ended up in this position and have spent years ignoring my gut because I would always rely and go by the advice of others, even if something inside me was telling me it wasn't the right thing for me.

I could go back to my old employer full time but it would actually be less money but a large commute whereas the more local job would be more money and just along the road, if I got the job. Which I think is answering my own question about this.

I think you would have more peace of mind if he doesn’t know where you live. A temporary refuge is better than being dead or suffering life changing injuries. It’s 25 years since I left my abusive ex-husband and I never regretted it for a second.

Yeah, he grew up with his dad in particular drinking loads and he was violent with it to an extreme. His mum apparently didn't drink much then but she does now. For years I assumed his mum left his dad due to how he was but then I found out he had actually left her for another woman and she was devastated. I couldn't get my head around the idea that she hadn't been the one to leave after all the things I heard he did, but now I get it.

He has a very good relationship with his son, neither of them have contact with his mum. Their was violence during and after their relationship but I was led to believe that it was her attacking him. I do know that he banged on her door and shouted when she withheld my stepson from him and would get angry and aggressive then. That was one of those things that I talked myself out of as any male friend or family member I spoke to would always say this was completely understandable. Eventually DP got custody of DSS and DSS would still see his mum but there were always issues and eventually he decided not to see her anymore. He now is older and working and in his own place and still sees and speaks to his dad regularly.

Does he have any idea that you're not happy or does he just think you accept being treated like he treats you? What is he like with your children, are they noticing anything?

My exH was just absent, not interested in being a family and was only interested in doing anything if it involved alcohol. I found out that he'd been spiking my drinks which was unforgivable but he made the mistake of trusting the guy behind the bar to not say anything. Funnily enough he eventually told me and that's where my ticket to ride off into the sunset began, it was the parting shot to exH when we left together with DD a few months later, that's 16 years ago and we're still together - he had a drinker for a wife so he knew exactly what it was like.

An occupation order isn’t going to stop him coming to the house in a rage. It isn’t going to stop him from hurting you or killing you. I’m sorry to be blunt but it won’t.

Get out! Get your children somewhere safe. Please!

The details can be worked out later. It might well become safe for you to return to the house in due course. But take the safest option for you and your kids whilst the breakup happens at least.

Put your sentimental items and valuable items that you don’t want to take with you initially, in storage. Keep paperwork and passports with you. Pack essentials and leave.

The children will be fine so longs as they are with you. Sell it to them as an adventure. They will adapt.

But please do not become one of the 3 women ever week to be killed by a man. Please go somewhere safe.