How would you handle this work situation - being disregarded and disrespected

[Joyful26]

I would really like to know how others would handle this situation, as I have been battling it alone for over 3 years and in many ways it’s getting worse.

The main issue is that no one likes me or talks to me or includes me at work.

We’re a small company of 15 people. When I joined 3 years ago it was into a newly created role. They hired 2 of us at once and everyone was very excited and welcoming. I became firm friends with the other girl who joined with me and in many ways I was the more rational and trusted one by the rest of the team.

The nature of my job was I didn’t have much interaction with the others- although everyone was always nice and friendly. But after a year I realised that even though I had kids the same ages as the other team members, no one ever asked me about them, but I spent ages trying to connect and bond with everyone else by engaging with them, asking about their holiday/weekends/kids etc. after a year I realised it was complete one way traffic.

my friend left and I spent the next year with no one talking to me at all, although I still bent over backwards making an effort at every interaction.

then after 2 years we expanded the team ‘my team’ technically and I got a new boss, and four new colleagues.

that’s where it’s all gotten really weird. My boss and my new colleagues absolutely won’t interact with me at all. Yet with the other members of the company they all have the best fun in the world. Non stop flirting, banter, book club, running together. Basically all loving each other- and NONE of them will include me at all. Yet I keep trying to speak to them and interact with them.

The issue is I don’t get it. All I can surmise is that I’m not popular and no one has a specific problem with me- they just don’t want to talk to the unpopular person.

I’m useless at ‘banter’ so that would never take off.

I’ve made slight friends with one other woman now, and I think she’s really embarrassed at how everyone else disregards me all the time.

just today someone set up a new WhatsApp chat group and included the whole company except me. My boss went to buy cakes for’his’ team but didn’t include me. He took’his’ team out for lunch but didn’t include me.

its humiliating and I genuinely don’t know what to do other than put up with it.

I will look for another job. It’s knocked my confidence, no jobs are advertised right now, and I’m 50. And if people would just talk to me a little bit it would be a great job.

wondering how others would handle that situation, as I’m always told I have no backbone etc.

I'm sorry to read this. Command and control is dying out as a management style and you might find a more inclusive team culture elsewhere.

I'm so tired of having to advocate for myself that I tend to leave and look for a better team culture now. Its not my job to educate people. I'm 46 so a bit younger.

Otherwise I feel I'd probably want to be direct with the boss. For example finding out if they are happy with your work. Asking for any feedback on how you interact with the team. Explaining what you've seen and how it makes you feel. What you'd like instead. If it's command and control then it's for the boss to change the culture.

If you're autistic sitting around trying to guess whats going on isn't your forte. Yet neurotypical workplaces thrive on this kind of ambiguity. You need clarity and direct feedback.

It's also possible may I add that you work with undiagnosed neurodivergent people - even your own boss - who are high masking and therefore its easier for them to 'other' you.

I think I’d ask the top boss who your line manager is now, given boss has made it clear you’re not part of his team. Say you’re unclear who to report to or something.

Doesnt help with being popular or not, but makes things clearer professionally.

Maybe not doing “banter” makes them think you are aloof? Most people engage in a bit of chat about things they have in common. So do you have much in common with anyone? Could you find something?

i think everyone deserves respect, but you won’t be mates with many. I worked for a company for 6 months and never was talked to by anyone, except my boss when he made a pass at me! Get out quick was my action. You aren’t old at 50! Start looking,

Not doing banter may have made you come across as a sourpuss who dislikes them.

I feel like I can't possibly tell what's happening without talking to your colleagues.
Maybe they think you don't want to join in, for reasons not at all obvious to U.

If you want to understand why they seem to exclude you, U need to ask them. Directly or indirectly. All the stuff OP is writing is just guessing.

See your GP and start the process of a diagnosis. Is there any chance of WFH? Would you prefer that?

Even if you're not popular- if they're setting up groups and outings that's life the whole company except you, then there's a strong chance they're bullying. However, they might not realise this behaviour can count as bullying. My reaction woukd probably be education - a training session on inclusively, bullying, etc, and then let them reflect, without overtly saying, "and this is what you're doing to me" (but I often feel like an outsider, too, so i don't know if it would help.)

I woukd also ask for clarification around reporting lines.

But it's a small organisation. I think I'd probably look for another job as well. I've changed jobs twice since I turned 50, but it's a tricky market out there.

I am sorry OP that is workplace bullying . It doesn’t have to be overt but can be by exclusion . I think that must be really horrible for you , as you are the only one being left out . It sounds a bit childish /the behaviour of some teenage girls .

I know you say that you don’t have HR but do you have an employee online handbook / policies you could refer to .
I think you are in a difficult position with no HR , small business but you should raise the issues re being the only one left out with your boss and how that makes you feel . If there are any key words they have about the team/ business Small/ friendly I would refer to them .
I would try and keep any discussions as informal as you can at this stage and raise it at a regular 1:1 / catch up with your boss .

I don’t think we can automatically expect to become besties with all of our colleagues and to socialise with them outside of work , a lot to be said for not doing that . However , this is really horrible behaviour on their part as it is during the working day .

It may help you to get a formal diagnosis ( of autism if applicable ) as your employers would need to make reasonable adjustments for you .This could take some time due to long waiting lists unless you can pay for a private referral .

You can also get free advice from ACAS . You don’t need to go down a formal grievance route , if you don’t want to .I am not sure much would be gained here , from any formal process as I assume the person you would direct any formal email to would be your boss , who seems to be part of the problem.

Could you call them out on the WhatsApp group and say to your boss that you have been omitted from this . Do so in a very polite way .

The only other thing that might help is for you to ask your friend who has left , if she could be frank with you about why she thinks you are being treated differently .

Good luck .