How would you handle this work situation - being disregarded and disrespected

[Joyful26]

I would really like to know how others would handle this situation, as I have been battling it alone for over 3 years and in many ways it’s getting worse.

The main issue is that no one likes me or talks to me or includes me at work.

We’re a small company of 15 people. When I joined 3 years ago it was into a newly created role. They hired 2 of us at once and everyone was very excited and welcoming. I became firm friends with the other girl who joined with me and in many ways I was the more rational and trusted one by the rest of the team.

The nature of my job was I didn’t have much interaction with the others- although everyone was always nice and friendly. But after a year I realised that even though I had kids the same ages as the other team members, no one ever asked me about them, but I spent ages trying to connect and bond with everyone else by engaging with them, asking about their holiday/weekends/kids etc. after a year I realised it was complete one way traffic.

my friend left and I spent the next year with no one talking to me at all, although I still bent over backwards making an effort at every interaction.

then after 2 years we expanded the team ‘my team’ technically and I got a new boss, and four new colleagues.

that’s where it’s all gotten really weird. My boss and my new colleagues absolutely won’t interact with me at all. Yet with the other members of the company they all have the best fun in the world. Non stop flirting, banter, book club, running together. Basically all loving each other- and NONE of them will include me at all. Yet I keep trying to speak to them and interact with them.

The issue is I don’t get it. All I can surmise is that I’m not popular and no one has a specific problem with me- they just don’t want to talk to the unpopular person.

I’m useless at ‘banter’ so that would never take off.

I’ve made slight friends with one other woman now, and I think she’s really embarrassed at how everyone else disregards me all the time.

just today someone set up a new WhatsApp chat group and included the whole company except me. My boss went to buy cakes for’his’ team but didn’t include me. He took’his’ team out for lunch but didn’t include me.

its humiliating and I genuinely don’t know what to do other than put up with it.

I will look for another job. It’s knocked my confidence, no jobs are advertised right now, and I’m 50. And if people would just talk to me a little bit it would be a great job.

wondering how others would handle that situation, as I’m always told I have no backbone etc.

I’d have to be really direct and ask. Ask your boss, privately. Then ask your friend. But be prepared for hearing things you might not like.

I mean this kindly, has this happened to you before or is it just a weird vibe in this particular company?

Also what do you mean by you’re always being told you’ve no backbone? In what way?

If your boss took all his team out but excluded you then you need to bring this up. If a whole WhatsApp got started but excluded you then bring this up. Sounds like bullying in workplace to me and if you are looking for another job then you have nothing to lose.

That’s horrible treatment OP. No wonder your confidence dropped. I think you should have a 1:1 with your boss and ask him. He should never exclude a team member.
Who does your manager report to? I think I would go to them if you don’t get an adequate response from your manager.

Thanks @Mostlywilliowit’s happened to a much much smaller extent in two other companies. In both cases there was an ‘in’ group of popular girls that excluded me, and to some extent that tarnished me in other people’s eyes. But I was much younger and they were bigger companies, so I generally bounced around and had other colleagues to interact with so it wasn’t a major problem.

that’s partly why I’m posting about it now, because the issue is that I could find a new job and experience this again and not know how to do anything differently.

Thanks @TheGoodEnoughWifewe don’t have an hr department or anything so I would simply need to say directly to the people who did it. It wouldn’t go down well, and I can’t see it making them suddenly like me.

This would be so difficult as I know he didn’t invite me because neither him nor the team wanted me there.

also I just pieced together that’s what they’d done.

but I did wonder if I should more generally make the point that I feel excluded from the team, and he should remember to include me as one of his team members.

the other issue is he’s very command and control and doesn’t want me interacting directly with members of the team. He wants everything to go only through him.

I had wondered about asking if I could sit with them as I sit on my own and they had a spare desk in their bank of desks. But again I knew they’d all hate for me to sit there, so I never mentioned it.

we have no hr, and the top boss may find it of slight interest, but he knows I’m unpopular and it would be humiliating to bring it up.

I really feel for you op, that sounds horrible. How old are the rest of the team? Are you similar ages? Got common ground? Do they see you as a threat to their promotions if you know what you’re doing? No words of wisdom but sending stoicism to get through it.

Why haven't you sat with your team? They probably think you are excluding yourself. There's a spare desk there, seems obvious that it's yours.
Your OP is a bit confusing too. They were all friendly and spoke to you but you also say no one spoke to you. With the new team you say no one spoke to you but you've made a friend. Which is it? Are they friendly or ignoring you? Do you have a friend or not?

“the other issue is he’s very command and control and doesn’t want me interacting directly with members of the team. He wants everything to go only through him”

Do you think you may have overstepped in the past?

Thanks @Ribenaberry12 the main group are about 10 years younger.

there are however 5 women my age or older who are 100% in the in group.

I think age plays a part for me though as 10 years ago the men would have definitely been flirting with me, but now I’m older than them they have no interest in acknowledging me whatsoever.

im not even unattractive- I actually used to be really attractive, and still make an effort to look good.

I also have lots of friends outside of work, and joined a sports club and have friends there and men flirting with me (admittedly they’re older than me) so at first glance you wouldn’t think I’d be getting on so badly at work.

They were friendly at first but very cliquey and I clearly didn’t get into the clique.

the woman I sit nearest to has started talking to me a bit, but I think she feels awkward that I’m so unpopular.

What job do you each do? I’m sure this must be related to the structure of the team. They are so brazenly not including you, that I think they don’t think you are in the team.

Is it retail or marketing?

Where does your role sit in the structure of it all? Are you the managers PA/assistant/office manager?

on one hand, it’s not fair or right to leave you out.
personally I wouldn’t want to mix friends with work colleagues especially if you have a good network outside of work.

in think you need to decide what you really want and go from there. Ask to be included, do you want to be included?

I don’t understand the post about flirting/attractiveness tbh although I have read many studies that say attractive people are more popular in groups. Maybe that was your point?

The PP asked your role. I think this is relevant as eg if you are in IT and previously pulled up someone about eg inappropriate Internet usage or if you are a team lead and gave negative feedback to a team member - could this be a reason? I’m grasping at straws as you said your manager said everything must go through him so it sounds like there is some bad blood between you esp if they were friendly initially?

Please forgive this question but I find this happens to women with autism much more frequently than it should - does that resonate at all?

Ok, if this did happen in the past, you need to look at how you actually interact with people. Do you try too much, you may come across as too nosey, or clingy. You may talk over people or argue your point/opinions that little bit too much.
I know a person who is flabbergasted why people keep her slightly at a distance and avoid getting into conversations if they can. She is convinced she's friendly, engaging and considerate, asking people about their families, hobbies etc. In fact, she launches into long-winded monologues, doesn't let people talk, turns the subject of the conversation back onto herself or one of the gripes or topics she fixates on. Any work-related chat that would normally take 3-5 minutes turns into 20-30 minute waste of time.
Not saying you're definitely like this but it might be worthwhile actually asking about how you come across.
The person I have in mind has had similar issues in each workplace she worked: people acting progressively "weirdly" towards her, avoiding face to face interactions, sometimes excluding her.

I don’t understand the stuff about flirting/attractiveness. Are you married? Why even mention your attractiveness to men?

Yes a couple of people close to me have said about autism, which would explain it. But at the same time doesn’t really help me know how to deal with it

I wondered too if you are autistic.

I also wondered: does your new boss realise that you are part of his team? We had a situation where someone was moved teams, but stayed at the same desk and she was forgotten about. Have you had any one to ones?

Number of possibilities:

if your role involves telling people off (in any capacity) you won’t be liked. Equally if you are (for example) the only HR person in the company people will not feel they can share with you as you are privy to lots of stuff.

age can also be a factor eg if you are much older or younger than the rest of the company.

i got excluded a lot because I was disabled and people just didn’t want the hassle of having a wheelchair user come with them to the pub etc because they didn’t want to have to think about whether I could get in etc.

I'd try and be direct with your boss. You could move and have the same issue.

If you had a proper diagnosis then at the very least you can explain that sometimes social functioning is really difficult for you and please be explicit. My sons do this. One of my colleagues was able to get some reasonable adjustments put in which have helped him no end. Things like “no last minute schedule changes, have very clear objectives, be unambiguous at all times” that sort of thing.

I do wonder if your boss was asked what she would say about not inviting you - I suspect it might be “well she always says no/sits by herself” etc

As others have said, it gives other people a better understanding of what's happening and there is support that you can access that could help. In addition, it might bring some peace of mind to think this is a misunderstanding essentially rather than a rejection.