Returning to full-time work with young children: sensible or too soon?

[ThePoisedOpalBird]

Just looking for a bit of advice and opinions. I am looking to return to a full time career (most likely an apprenticeship)

I am really really struggling with the guilt of doing this. I will be looking for a job anywhere from September onwards (when my maternity pay runs out). My kids will be 6 months and 2.5y.

I feel like an awful mum for looking to return to a full time job but I am wanting to retrain in something and gain some flexibility before my eldest starts school in 2 years.

Family members have strong opinions but as I can't return to my part time role after maternity leave and finding a new part time job is very unlikely I feel I need to be realistic about looking forwards and getting into a new career for the sake of my kids futures.

Am I making a mistake looking to get a new career whilst the kids are so young? Should we cope for a few years with less money so I can be at home with them? Or is retraining now to get the flexibility later a better option.

Please help a mum make a hard decision! TIA

Should we cope for a few years with less money so I can be at home with them

Personally, I think thats the best decision. Be interesting to see what others think though.

Everyone, whether parent or not, deserves to have an enjoyable and fulfilling career. Carry on and don't feel guilty. No man ever does.

You’re not an awful Mum for wanting to work full time. Plenty of women have no choice and are perfectly good parents. And even if this isn’t something you HAVE to do then you are more than entitled to choose work. Plus my friend with older kids says they need you more as they get older, not less so it could be a good move to get yourself into a position where you have more flexibility when they are older.

Is their Dad around? Because if so then I don’t know why people would accuse you of being a bad Mum for working but not him of being a “bad Dad” for doing the same. Well actually I do know why - because the world is sexist and has expectations for women to be everything from super Mum to super employee.

There is no right choice and no right way of being a parent. Make the choice you think is right for you and your family and don’t worry about what anyone thinks!

What’s your plan a for childcare and plan b for when they inevitably get sick?

6 months is very young to leave. I barely made it through the first few months back at work and that was with a job that I knew inside out and not having to learn something totally new. Also how do the finances play out? Will you even be able to cover the costs of working on an apprenticeship wage?

Do you have a partner? Can they cut back hours?

Working full time with little kids can be pretty miserable. Could you do some part time courses or something?

YANBU

He would go to the nursery for childcare with DS1. To be fair my DS1 has only ever been off twice for sickness at nursery since he started a year and a bit ago part time. There has never been a plan B and we wouldn't have a plan B.

We can cover the costs of nursery (it would only be 3 days a week) and luckily would only be until January when the free hours kick in.

My partner can't cut down his hours unfortunately. But kids would only be in nursery 3 days or possible 2 full days and 2 part days.

I do worry how I will cope working full time with 2 young ones. I'm exhausted not working on mat leave 🤣. Courses are great but dont bring in money (and cant put kids into childcare without working) but entry level part time jobs just seem to not exist (besides retail but the hours dont work)

I just want to give my boys a good life.

Honestly women need a career these days. You’re incredibly vulnerable as a sahm unless your partner is earning an extremely high salary that can effectively pay you a wage, pension contributions etc.

like you say, start now when you have nursery hours and then more flexibility later around school.

also don’t rule out your dp working flexibility around school runs etc. it shouldn’t all be on you.

Why can men never seem to be able to cut down their hours, but women can? The women and men I know have similar jobs. Do men think they have to cut down their hours physically using their penis?

My partners flexible working request was refused which would have allowed me to return to my part time job. His role doesn't allow for part time working or condenced shifts/days either.

Also unfortunately an apprenticeship wage is very very low so him cutting down hours plus costs of second car and childcare would likely render me going back to work financially crippling.

So you’ll be working FT but the kids who are tiny will only be in nursery 3 days a week and your partner has zero flexibility, presumably leaving you to juggle the remaining 2 days, and for all of that you’ll be taking a loss because an apprenticeship wage is tiny and a 6MO doesn’t get nursery funding… that’s going to be long, difficult slog. What is the apprenticeship in? Are you realistically going to get a well paid, secure job at the end of it?

Honestly, if you have a choice I wouldn’t go back to anything full time. I have a 4 year old and an 18 month old and have worked full time (except maternity leave) and they want/need me more than the things my full time wage can do.

My oldest starts school in September and I gave up my one day a week with him to work and I massively regret it. He’s going to be in school for the next 14 years. I’m actually planning to quit and work around them until they’re both in school.

It’s hard though and only you know the ins and outs of your circumstances to know what’s possible.

Can their dad go part time

I don’t judge you op but my honest advice is to try and wait at least a few months longer so your DC2 is older than 6 months.

I say this as they would be going to nursery during prime bug/virus season so tbh, you would hardly be working anyway because they will be sent home sick. I had a manager who came back to work at 6 months, full time nursery and i hardly ever saw her. I also heard her manager making comments about her kid always being ill and how she was never at work.

This is the sort of decision that is so personal, it almost doesn't matter a jot what other people would do. We can only make the best decisions for ourselves, at the point of time we're in.

I have always worked FT, and went back to work when my daughter was 6 months old. I couldn't have imagined doing anything different, if I'm honest. That's what worked for me at the time.

I agree with the general premise - your kids do continue to need you as they get older and being able to manoeuvre yourself into a wfh position so you can facilitate clubs and play dates and supervise homework and return etc is great.

However, i found working ft out of the home with small children so hard and I didn't go back at 6 months. I found juggling the childcare drop offs and pick ups and illnesses and tiredness all very stressful and so expensive that we didn't gain much from it. I found it hard to make sure we had proper dinner each night and kept on top of the housework etc. I couldn't keep it up and moved to pt and then shift and weekend work to save on childcare.

I was back FT when dd was 3 months old. We all survived. You might find yourself less tired if your kids are fed and entertained, you get a lunch break etc.

I would never advise anyone to do what I did with dc’s 2 and 3 if they can help it. (I couldn’t - dc3 was very sick) work and make working work.

it passes quickly - you’ll have years of pension contributions etc. under your belt and your career won’t take a hit.

Does he feel guilty?

It’s strange we’re seeing a lot of these “I must stay at home” posts recently. Do what works for you and your family, no need to feel guilty whatever your choice is. Staying at home, you may end up feeling guilty that you are not contributing financially, or that your kids are missing out on socialising at nursery, are you doing enough with them etc etc.

I just want to give my boys a good life.

OP, you will. Parenting is a long game. You are laying the foundation for a gift to your dcs they will truly appreciate when they are older.

My 2 are late teens and early twenties. Your efforts on the career front will bear fruit in a way that smooths the way for them whilst their peers may struggle. Don't underestimate the value of setting yourself and the family up financially. The benefits are transformational and generational.

My partner will have the kids on the remaining 2 days as his days off are in the week as he works all weekend.

I have no idea what I will do an apprenticeship in yet. Possibly accounting or HR maybe. I don't really have a set idea of what I want to do.

6 months is very young but you should do what works best for you and your family.
I went back when my DD was 10 months and I was a single parent. It is hard and you have to have a strict routine down to make it work but it’s doable.
I’m returning to (online) uni in October when I’ll have a 9 year-old, 1 year-old and 4 week old so I might not be the most stable advice to take 😂

I think getting an apprenticeship for September is going to be hard.

I think it sounds like the best strategic option for your future but they’re extremely competitive near us and many are filled for September because they’ve gone to school leavers. You need to have a proper look at timescales for application interviews etc.

There seems to be lots keep popping up around here for September. However, I am aware I might struggle against school leavers especially as they have to pay me more after a year.

Go for it. Thinking about it in the long term is the way to go about it and what it means for you and DC in the future such as flexibility, earning potential, pension etc.

I went back to work FT at 3 months and have no regrets. Mine were never sick constantly either and went to nursery the full 5 days a week.