Returning to full-time work with young children: sensible or too soon?

[ThePoisedOpalBird]

Just looking for a bit of advice and opinions. I am looking to return to a full time career (most likely an apprenticeship)

I am really really struggling with the guilt of doing this. I will be looking for a job anywhere from September onwards (when my maternity pay runs out). My kids will be 6 months and 2.5y.

I feel like an awful mum for looking to return to a full time job but I am wanting to retrain in something and gain some flexibility before my eldest starts school in 2 years.

Family members have strong opinions but as I can't return to my part time role after maternity leave and finding a new part time job is very unlikely I feel I need to be realistic about looking forwards and getting into a new career for the sake of my kids futures.

Am I making a mistake looking to get a new career whilst the kids are so young? Should we cope for a few years with less money so I can be at home with them? Or is retraining now to get the flexibility later a better option.

Please help a mum make a hard decision! TIA

OP I did a qualification in the middle of having babies and toddlers, I managed to stay part time a little longer than you but I was studying on top of it. It was a hard few years I won’t lie but I wouldn’t change a thing; by the time my youngest was in school I’d worked myself up to a managerial position so I owned my diary, could do some WFH and just generally had a lot more flexibility than when I was earlier in my career (or if I’d looked for ‘easier’ work).

It was short term gain for A LOT of long term gain that continues to help my children now as teens.

Going back to work when you have small kids is tough, no doubt about it. But it sounds as if your setup can enable them not to be in nursery the whole time anyway, they are only in childcare a few days a week, with their father the rest of the time.

You have to play the long game. Ultimately you are working towards building their financial stability, while protecting yourself. It's really really important not to be wholly financially dependent on another person when you have children. You will reap the rewards when they are older and you'll be able to offer them so much more while improving your own life.

It's understandable that people worry about going back to work when their kids are young but the trade-off between a couple more years taking them to the park every day them versus your long-term happiness and stability is a no brainer.

firstly, be married to give yourself fair rights.

secondly, children grow up so fast and being full time you’ll miss out on so much (& so will your partner). What’s important being able to buy them stuff or being there for them (enjoy this time?) ?
if you can afford 3 days a week, you can probably stay at home for longer.

starting a new ft job would be incredibly challenging and exhausting.

if you don’t marry, you should return to work full time and share everything equally with your partner, including when kids are sick, holiday periods, housework, cooking, drop offs and pick ups. There should be no, ‘how will I cope with young ones’ but absolutely equal, so that your prospects further down the line, if you separate, are not damaged. It’s the fairest way.

good luck making the difficult decision.

Firstly, marriage and “fair rights” depends on the asset split. If o/p owns the house, has savings and more assets than her partner- then “fair rights” will favour him and she could end up having to give him half of everything she owns.

secondly I don’t believe marriage is enough of a protection to not work. Most men will not earn enough to continue with pension contributions and savings equivalent to disposable income.

so if there is a divorce/death/disability, o/p may still find herself having to support herself and her children. She could still find herself asking how she will cope on only her income and Child maintenance. Prospects down the line are damaged married or not.

I went back to work and regret it even now. I work in schools and I put other people's children before my own. If I had my time again I would definitely stay at home. Its time I can never get back

I agree with this. Stay at home as long as you can with them.

I went back after 6months with my 1st, honestly couldn’t wait to get back. I had my second when eldest was only 16months and took 9months off and the only reason I went back that time was because of money. I am permanently exhausted feel like I’m always chasing my tail but do it knowing my kids will always have everything they need and hopefully will be set up for the future.

I would hold off until January when you get the free hours and DS2 is a few months older. Don’t you get stat maternity pay until 9 months so presumably you’ll have a small amount of income coming in.

My maternity pay finishes in September then I have 3 months unpaid before I have to quit my part time job.

I will likely have to wait until the following September as most apprenticeships often start in September along with the academic year but hopefully we might be able to just about cope for a year on just 1 wage.

Thank you everyone for the responses! It has be helpful hearing peoples opinions.

I also agree with this, sorry I know it's probably not what you want to hear

Does your partner get any paid shared parental leave? Can he check policies?

I went back when DC1 was 7 months and DC 2 the same (I also did a second master's that first year with DC1 because there was an opportunity to do it without paying fees).

Honestly the nursery years are a great time to lean in. They are looked after 9-5, fed, have fun- they still get 2 days with your DP at home (so he is pulling his weight in that you both work FT and do the same amount of solo care). It sounds ideal. You really need to manoeuvre yourself into a position where you can be a bit more flexible during the school years by establishing yourself well now. It's a Mumsnet thing that children are constantly ill- some are ofc but mine were/are hardly ever ill. I wouldn't use them potentially being ill as a reason for anything.

Was I knackered? Yes, I had awful sleepers and breastfed to toddlerhood. Has it paid off? Also yes. Tbh I prefer older kids and teens anyway and we have more fun together now.

I think retraining as soon as possible is a very wise decision. Especially since you are not married and the dad isn't sharing the load evenly. He is gaining career progression and pension contributions whilst you are looking after your joint children for free otherwise and that is a shitty situation to be in should something happen to you as a couple.

do it OP! I went back to work when my DD was 5 months and I do not regret it for one minute. I had excellent childcare in place though which really helped.

She's now 13, we have a lovely life, my career has thrived, and I have future proofed my life. i see so so many friends who didn't go back to work who are stuck in awful relationships or getting getting divorced and are totally goosed as they have no income or earning potential.

I'm not saying your relationship will crumble, BUT Work and a career give you options and freedom.

He had 6 weeks fully paid paternity leave but no paid shared parental leave.

Thank you for your opinion on this topic though its appreciated!