Why am I unsettled by my mum's comment?

[ExpressHydration]

When my husband left me last year, one of the reasons he gave was that he felt jealous of my relationship with our children (all teens). He felt left out, like a spare part.

It's fair to say that I always put masses more effort into parenting than he did. Like so many couples, it was me who knew about homework, planned birthdays, remembered school bake sales, knew their friends and their friends' mums, remembered who liked what and cooked accordingly etc etc

But I never ever stopped him from doing any of that. I'm not at all control freaky. In fact I used to encourage him to come to sport games or take them out or do anything.

My mum came to stay recently and she said she can imagine what he meant. She said that to hear me and my children all laughing in the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner, she can imagine him feeling excluded.

It's really playing on my mind that she said that. I'm not sure why. I don't feel bad that I'm close to my children.

I was never very close to my mum. She and my dad were a great love story, but all us kids were sent to bording school.

Since he left, my ex husband has barely seen the children. He takes them to McDonald's but won't take them to sports practice or do any parenting.

Why do I keep thinking about what my mum said? Why does it make me feel unsure?

(I'm not looking for reassurance here. I know it's good that I'm close to my kids. I'm really asking for insight into why I can't let the comment go).

Your Mum is also jealous of you that she doesn’t have these close intimate fun relationships in her lonely and bitter old age. You reap what you sow. For me having fun adult relationships with my grown kids is the absolute gift of raising them well. Enjoy it.

Did you feel she was blaming you for the break up - implying you drove him away?Perhaps that’s why it’s stuck in your head?

I am sure there is lots of good literature on this from people far more knowing than me but I suspect it has to do with the dynamics of the relationship. Even as adults, parents are often tied to some of our earliest experiences of safety, approval, belonging and self-worth. When a parent criticises us, dismisses us, or expresses a view about us that feels unfair, it can trigger much older emotional systems than the rational part of our brain that knows, "That's not true."

The easiest way not to feel excluded is to go and join in, it’s as simple as that.

Because she’s your mum. For a period of your life, her approval was a life or death issue. You are primed to feel any criticism from her very deeply.

Rationally you know you are in the better position, enjoying your children. However her comment opens the possibility that it’s your fault your marriage failed, that your ex doesn’t have a good relationship with the dc, that you didn’t model your mum’s behaviour and make him the focus of your life.

Bear in mind if you had, he still wouldn’t have a good relationship with his dc. You have broken the cycle and brought up DC who know how to bond.

I’m very sorry, it sounds like she just said the thing calculated to hurt you most.

It also sounds like your ex-DH said the thing calculated to hurt you most

If he wanted to improve his relationship with his children then he could have done then, and could still now.

You were hoping or expecting that your Mum would support you and also see it as a positive that you and your children are close. But by implying she also feels excluded she is not only being unsupportive of your feelings about your ex but she's also making it about her and making you think about whether you have treated her badly.

My ex also said I left no role for him to do anything with the kids. It’s an absolute cop out of a statement. The amount of times he left the room to do his own thing, while the kids and I mucked about.. uncountable. Some people don’t know how to hang out with their children. It’s on them.
Your mum is the same as your ex.

If I was sitting in a room listening to my adult dd and her children having a fun time and laughing together in another room it would fill me with nothing but joy.

Your mother is a bitch.

100%. I would be delighted and proud that she had achieved this.

Don't let mum's and your ex's comments carry any weight. You sound like a fantastic mum! Carry on, you've done great.

I think it's just wicked when as the kids grow up, parents become their friends as well as their parents. It's really healthy and you keep on having all the laughter in the world together.

Because you have resisted the parenting style you were shown with the cool relationship with your mother, and instead formed a warm relationship with your kids. Good on yer, I say.

I can also imagine what he meant, but he was the only one who had any power to change that and join in!

THIS!

My DH can do something specific but is entirely unable to just hang around with me and the kids, chatting nonsense etc so he misses out on so much ….. consequently he then feels left out of in-jokes and when he does show up he is constantly asking who / what are you talking about?

He chooses to remove himself for peace and quiet but then complains about feeling excluded. You can’t have it both ways.

Your mum should have been thrilled to her how well you all get on. I can only imagine she is jealous of your dynamic?

I bet that comment hurt like a punch to the gut.
Shes wrong and she’s mean.

I love hearing my husband chatting and laughing with our adult sons. But I'm secure in my relationship with them so there's no jealousy. Your ex is blaming you for his own failure to connect with his children and be involved in their lives. He's reaping what he's sown.

Don't take your mother's comment to heart. It says much more about her than it does about you.

Usually, things are exactly as simple as they seem.

Your husband isn't as close to your kids as you are, because he never made any effort. He's reaping what he's sown now, and so are you- and you are getting the golden harvest from the kids, due to all your hard work and love.
He isn't. Because he didn't put in the effort, and still isn't putting it in. It's too late.

Your mum, again, didn't put in effort and love with you, and so she is also reaping what she's sown. A less close relationship than you have with your kids.

And both of them are too shit to do any self-reflection about their own problems that they have caused, so they are attacking you instead, to try and diminish you. To try and shift blame away from themselves, because they can never attain that amazing bond you have with your dcs.

I don't know about you.. but I don't waste time on people who don't wish the best for me. They do not deserve to try and tear you down. You deserve the love and closeness that you earned with your dcs.

Don't let these bitter, jealous and flawed people ever affect you. I would genuinely reduce how much I saw them. Your happiness angers them. It's not remotely your job to soothe that, not for one second. You deserve the happiness you've earned.

When I was doing a lot of reading about family relationships several of the books said that the father was often the more distanced of the two parents.

even these days it is much more likely to be the mum that either works part time or if both work full time the mum does much more childcare.

time spent together builds relationships

it’s as simple as that

She said it because she values the husband / wife relationship over the parent / child one and has organised her life that way, prioritising her husband. She’s judging you by her values.

You feel unsettled because, although you’re confident and comfortable with your values, putting children and family as a whole before husband, you’re experiencing a twinge of recognition of her perspective/ your childhood memory of your parents.

Perhaps your ex had a similar childhood and expectations, so was never fully on-board with your children-first approach. A mis-match of values and expectations that wasn’t explicitly discussed? So you’re feeling a twinge of sadness for him, by recognising that perspective and his experience.

Her comment was aimed at you because you chose to prioritise your children. She chose to prioritise her husband. She's implying that if you had centred him, he'd still be around. May be true, but at what cost to the children?

I do think that if one parent in the family becomes aloof, it is natural for the other parent to bond even more strongly with the children. They offer companionship, affection, social stimulation in return for all that you give them.

As you said, no one stopped him getting involved, and he's clearly not trying now. Which are his responsibility, not yours.

Everyone is right. I think the way to go about ridding yourself of this pain/shame brought about by her comment is to sot, compassionately, with what it says about her rather than accepting it as a true statement about you and your marriage. I highly recommend a book by tich nhat hanh called “reconciliations” which offers a way to think about this intergenerational transmission of shame and loss.

You sound like a normal mother doing normal mother stuff. If ex-dh wanted to be involved, he should have made more of an effort.

As pp said, you wanted your mum to be on your team, and she was supported ‘the enemy’. Maybe ex has persuaded your mum that you’re to blame. She maybe also is lamenting that she never had that relationship with you, or still haven’t got that closeness.

Absolutely this.

I had very neglectful parents growing up. Home was not fun or easy. I remember once when my friend was round and we were messing about in my room laughing and joking, and when she’d gone my dad called me into the living room to ask what we were laughing about. And how come I was never that happy or jokey in their company? I would have been about 13 years old.

Your mother does not want you to have an easy, carefree relationship with your children, because that reflects poorly on her relationship with her own children. Same as it was with your ex. Do not let them influence you.

@LycheeFizz1972 "He chooses to remove himself for peace and quiet but then complains about feeling excluded. You can’t have it both ways."

Yes!! He disliked the nonsense and silliness. He didn't know how to join in. And he wasn't willing to try.

I think a lot of you are right that her comment touched a lot of nerves - was it my fault that he felt excluded? Was she sympathising with him??!

I'm still very angry with him. He felt lonely in our marriage, withdrew, ignored every attempt to include him, left me to do everything, and had an affair because he was disconnected and lonely. I hate that he had made himself the victim. He felt entitled to be centered in our family. Without being willing to do any of the work.

And yes, I feel like my mum should be angry with him too. Not seeing his side.

Do you have girls? I’ve known a couple of men walk because they struggled to find things to bond over as their DD grew up. As awful as it is, men are statistically far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.