Is this abuse?

[isthisabuse]

It has take me a while to post this, please be gentle with me as looking at what I have written is pathetic. Name changed as well. I feel so vulnerable posting this.

We are bickering constantly and I’m sick of it, I have started listing all the horrible things he says (some of which I may be being pathetic but all these things have upset me). I have parents who are ageing but I have a great relationship but no friends at all - this is my concern if I divorce, I would have no support.

House is owned by me but married for 2 years so would have to sell I guess??

Sorry if this is a bit rambly and not saying much but I just don’t know what to do.

I am not perfect and don’t pretend to be but it just doesn’t seem to be working at all and I think for DD’s sake I need out. She is 4.

Had to screenshot my notes section as the formatting is all off so hopefully they appear. There are more but can only upload 5 pictures.

Also he has not taken her out on his own once, other than to drop her off/pick up from nursery. I do all the parenting bath, bed, toilet etc he does housework but surely that isn’t worth staying for? Capable of doing it myself!!

I would say a lot of that definitely falls into the abuse category. You deserve so much better than this, OP. Are you thinking of leaving?

Op

you are not happy with this man - he is down right unpleasant and does not contribute to your life in any meaningful way

what would you advise your daughter to do if she came to you with the same scenario?

I would love to leave. I am worried about how little support outside my immediate family I have and also how it would work financially. Stupidly I would worry about him and where he would live etc when I know it’s not my problem.

Just leave op. It’s never going to get better.

I have said this to him before, how would you feel if DD grew up and had a husband calling her names and being nasty to her- he can’t answer that and still thinks I am at fault for everything.

As for me, my advice to her would be get out as I know that’s what my parents would advise me if I told them what was going on.

It’s just such a mess. I long to look after DD on my own and have a peaceful life not walking on eggshells and being blamed for everything that doesn’t go his way.

OP this is abusive in how he behaves towards you, but even if it wasn’t you are allowed to end a relationship for any reason at all.
He’s rude
He belittles you and your appearance
He swears at you
He questions your parenting but doesn’t pitch in himself
He shouts at you

There’s nothing kind here, he’s not bringing you any joy. Your child will pick up on this. Think how much more peaceful life would be without him. You don’t need this man in your life.

You say you’d worry about him, but he absolutely would not do the same for you.
What is your housing / financial / marital status?

Thank you @NotAWurstToIt
I own my house outright, thanks to inheritance/family support which I had before I met him.
Married for 2 years.
He works full time, approx 36k a year and I would p/t approx 19k a year

What was he like before DD came along - were there any red flags? You've been married for 2 years - did he want a child or was it your idea and he went along with it, or was it what both of you wanted? The questions aren't judgemental they're merely to identify possible ressons why he's behaving like this. Yes it's abuse, which he will deny ever having said/done - it's what they do.

What's his background history in relationships? Is he completely different to who you thought he was?

You say you own the house, have you sought advice about what happens if you split/divorce - surely he's not entitled to much but I'm not sure.

Keep posting, getting it off your chest is important xx

He has to leave OP. It’s your house. Change the locks and kick him out before he registers his home rights because you won’t be able to do it afterwards. Don’t let him step foot inside again. Tell him it’s over and you are filing for divorce. You are the primary carer keep it that way and as it’s a short marriage you may well keep the house. Do it now as the longer you wait the better worse it will be for you.

Also please read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It will tell you everything you need to know.

Great that you own your house. Seek legal advice about where you stand in terms of child support etc. is he physically violent? Would you feel safe telling him to leave?
You know that you need to get out of this relationship. Can you talk to your parents about what’s going on? Does your work have any counselling or support services you can use.
You say you’d worry don’t have friends - why’s that? Can you start to make friends with other Mums or work colleagues?
You do have support - even if your parents are elderly, it sounds as if they’d want the best for you.

Oh and claim UC and CM as soon as you can as it takes 5/6 weeks to get anything.

You need to make a plan OP. Probably best to take him by surprise and if he kicks off call the police. Otherwise you may find yourself in the position where he refuses to leave and you won’t be able to make him if he registers his home rights.

Yes this is definitely abuse and you need to get away from him as soon as possible. Get legal advice asap about any claim he may have on the house - it may be in your name but as you're married, it's a marital asset. You've only been married a short time though so you need to find out where you stand legally. Once you know, just tell him it's over and file for divorce. Get support from your parents and call Women's Aid for advice and support to keep you safe. Please don't wait any longer, you and your daughter deserve to be safe and happy.

Legally not so. Once you are married assets are joint. Unfortunately he has rights.

@Afterthefact
thank you so much, I feel better just writing it all down somewhere and getting other people opinions

DD wanted by both, probably more so me I guess looking back. He has always been a jealous person and to be honest very needy of my time and attention - guess he now hates all my attention is towards DD and I don’t want to give him any due to the way he treats me. I have no inclination for an intimate relationship with someone who calls me fat.

I thought he would be a decent father but I do all the parenting, every night waking etc and always have done because ‘he works’ so do I but because I work p/t it’s belittled.

I haven’t sought any advice, this is the first time I have told anyone what is going on

This was my concern, what a mess. I had a lovely house I owned that now I will have to give it up due to marrying him.

Unlike others in this thread I don’t think making snidey snappy comments claiming you aren’t doing your job is really abuse. It’s just a rotten relationship with a guy who sounds like an absolute prick.

it seems like he doesn’t like or respect you, truly. If that’s how engaged he is in your family life I reckon chuck him out asap as honestly he’s either having an affair already or will be as soon as he has an opportunity. These pathetic men-children always check out when things are hard with toddlers and i’m sorry to say this one sounds the same

Yeah i can imagine it’ll be galling. But one step at a time. Get him out then figure out the logistics. You mentioned you work part time, maybe you can move to full time, extend the mortgage etc

@NotAWurstToIt
no physical violence and I don’t believe he would be violent, it’s too obvious a form of abuse for him I think. Although if I told him to leave I don’t think he would as he would have nowhere to go.
i can talk to my parents and desperately want to, I know once I do there is no going back and I would go ahead with separation. I also don’t want to put any troubles on them in their later years
I have great work colleagues but wouldn’t say they are friends as such and don’t want to pour my heart out to them, although I know they would be supportive

Appreciate your comments as that’s how I feel. -‘ I overreacting saying it’s abuse?
Genuinely I wish he would have an affair and just make it easier for me

How old are your parents? If you have a four year old …? Am just thinking they may be more resilient and willing and able to support you practically than you think. Would you want your daughter to protect you from this situation if this were her life?

OP He’s called you a cunt, shouted at you, called you fat, made comments about you ‘stuffing your piggy face’ and then sulked and ignored you - that’s abuse, it’s not a few snarky comments.
I would encourage you to tell your parents - think of it as if your DC was an adult and in a relationship like this, but didn’t tell you because she was worried about bothering you - how would you feel?
I’m not suggesting you necessarily pour your heart out immediately to work colleagues, but it might be nice to form some friendships here if your world is feeling quite small.
As others have said take legal advice in the house ownership and where you stand on kicking / locking him out.

Leave. He's nasty. Yes this is abuse.

It’s a very short marriage so you should get away with a small payment to him. Get the divorce papers filed asap to cement the end of it, file them then tell him. You want to be the applicant so you control the process. A lawyer is your friend here (well not really lawyers are never your friend but you’re going to need one).

Honestly if it were me I’d start fighting back tell him it’s over call him names and call the police the moment he gets aggressive. Which these types always do. Then you can get him removed, and that sort of record makes getting him out permanently easier too. Good that you’ve evidenced that he considers caring for your child ‘your job’ keep all that and get more it, record him, get it in writing - because 100% the creep will go for 50/50 care so he doesn’t have to pay child support. So the fact he considers it your job is helpful to prove.