Who should submit a flexible working request first in our situation?

[ThePoisedOpalBird]

Just looking for a bit of advice. Me and my partner work for the same company but different stores. Previous to my maternity leave we worked in the same store and had an agreement with our manager that if my partners days had to change then my hours also changed (he works 5 days full time as a manager, I work 2 as a customer assistant) but now we are in different stores.

My partners contracted days were recently changed after his paternity leave but as he is a manager he is expected to be flexible and have the ability to move his days with 4 weeks notice.

The issue is the days he used to have off were the days I worked. This now means that not only do I need to submit a flexible working request to move my days and remove any need for flexibility. My partner also needs to put in a flexible working request to try to remove his flexibility.

The issue I am having is who should submit their request first as I know they can take up to 2 months to reply.

If my partners manager says no to allowing him to have fixed days and no flexibility then I will have to quit work. Equally if my manager says no to changing my days I will have to quit work so I am unsure who should submit first.

I don't want to affect my partners career or progression by putting in requests that are then irrelevent if I can't move days but equally no point moving my days if my partner has to continue to be flexible.

Any advice on how to approach this would be greatly appreciated!

Yes it is almost my whole salary! He would also have to work anywhere from 7am-10pm so we would cross over hours which wouldnt work and we only have 1 car. Otherwise we might have considered it.

Realistically me working outside of retail would be more convenient. Just part time non retail jobs are hard to come by without experience in something.

If I ever get a full time job with a reasonable salary he would likely move to daytime shifts (hopefully as part of a promotion ideally)

Do you have public transport you could use? You keep mentioning the one car but plenty of people manage with no car at all

Yes but even if I dropped off at nurswry at 8am. The bus isnt until 8 25 and its a 50 minute journey minimum when there isnt traffic so still couldn't start until 9.30.

Do you work for the big M ?
shifts seem similar and I used to work for them myself

We work at the big T but I imagine all the big ones operate in a similar way/shift patterns

I meant for other jobs around you too?

Thats to get to the closest town. Its pretty much the same for all of the towns. Closest to us is the one a 50 minute bus journey away. The other town near us takes an hour and 20 mins by bus and only comes every 2 hours starting from 10.30am (only bus earlier is 6.30am) so I wouldnt get to that town until midday. We live quite rural with buses. So getting a job which would require me to get buses doesn't really work where we live unfortunately otherwise I wouldnt mind too much as they aren't overly expensive.

Keep in mind that qualification for the free hours is based on income, not solely hours. You have to earn the equivalent of 16 hours minimum wage. You don’t necessarily have to work 16 hours

Yeah I know but I am unlikely to earn above minimum wage in any part time role. I'm not going to be doing anything 'skilled'.

OP, you seem to have an answer for everything. If you can afford to not work, then don't work. You don't need strangers on the internet to give you permission.

I fully want to work although this post was more about flexible working requests not other jobs.

So what is your plan? Put them both in together? State your inability to do anything but your requested shifts or short days? I know your partner is the breadwinner OP but that doesn't make your job less important. My partner earns more than double what I do but in the grand scheme of things, my job is more import and my identity.

What is it you want to do in the future? What is holding you back? What can you put in place to overcome these steps?I want to hear what you want, not what you need to do so your partner can do what he wants.

From a current workplace point of view we will put them in together and see what happens. I'm not hopeful but if we don't ask we don't know. My current job isn't important to me and doesn't give me an 'identity'. It gives us spare money and that is the only reason I do it as it isn't exactly my goal in life to stack shelves overnight.

As for what I want to do in the future I honestly don't know. This is something we are discussing a lot. I like the idea of having a career again but I hate the idea of my kids being in full time nursery and then wrap around childcare when at school. So I would like to do something where I will be able to eventually get flexability. Being a mum is all I have ever cared about. I haven't really thought about much else.

I have anxiety, issues with focus and concentration, some depression and emotionally find the idea of being away from my kids very hard. I have been trying to 'fix' these things for over 10 years but unfortunately with no luck. I managed to have a short career in retail management prior to having kids but I cant and don't want to return to that role so its either find something part time I can cope with which will still allow me to be with the kids most of the time or possibly a miracle full time career I can cope with.

Life isn't easy but hopefully I will find something that works for us despite my issues.

But as I said technically not the point of the thread.

Well, most importantly, you’re still a mum whether you work full time, part time or don’t work at all!

If you really struggle with the idea of your children being in wraparound school care then to be blunt (and this is kindly meant) then your options are always going to be pretty limited. Unless you get something like a learning support assistant job in the same school your kids go to then you’re probably going to struggle. And to be honest unless you’re really cut out for that sort of job then it’s not really fair to the children and staff you support to be going for it; it shouldn’t be about your convenience but about a genuine desire to work with children.

you don’t seem that bothered about your current job. Would your partner be prepared to be sole earner if you stop working? It sounds more and more from your responses that his job has a lot more responsibility and hours, so maybe you need to accept that you can’t get the exact shifts you want (though you won’t know if you don’t request it!)

it sounds like you’re quite aware the issue of not wanting to be away from your kids is more about you than them, which is important to acknowledge.

The minimum cost of marriage or civil is £57 for the ceremony and £35 each for the notice of intentions. This would be a 2+2 service so you, your partner and your two witnesses. We did this in 2023 after we got fed up having to fill in extra forms. We went for the civil partnership.

I would approach about your job first, are there job options at the store your partner works at with the idea of getting a similar agreement to you had previously in place?

I am intrigued to know where you live. I have just checked the fees for civil partnerships where we live and it is £440 at the cheapest.

All councils have to offer something called a "statutory ceremony" which is only the legal bit and exchanging rings for nothing beyond costs. Typical prices at £45 -75. They have to offer it at least once a month but many offer it weekly. Our registry office offered it on Tuesday mornings only

Interesting. Ours only has full ceremonys available to book. I'm not in a rush but interesting to know if I dont want to pay £500.

Yes many councils don't advertise the option as they would rather you spent the £500, so you might have to call them. They are good options for those that don't want to do the wedding bit! We took our witnesses out for lunch at a very nice restaurant and the whole thing cost us around £300! Most of which was the meal. It was 7 weeks from us having the discussion about whether we should do it to the ceremony too so not much waiting/planing involved!

I’m confused as to why - when your partners contracted days were changed - he didn’t speak up and say ‘That won’t work for our family as we have arranged childcare around it’.

It sounds like that ship has sailed and you think asking for him to have fixed days without the need to be flexible is unlikely. What is your relationship with your manager like? If it’s good I’d start by having an informal chat with them to explain your partner is at a new store and his shifts have changed and ask if you can move your contracted days to when he is off and to have flexibility if he needs to change.

My managers manager who actually makes the decisions is quite inflexible and we don't have the best relationship due to him and my partner not getting along so I'm not hopeful of being given new days with the ability to not have to be flexible myself.

A good change of career (of the job role interests you!) would be working in a school. Either office work or classroom assistant.

Bonus being you are working term time only which will make childcare easier when they are both in school.

Plus the hours fit around the 9-3 structure.

It would 100% be a convenient sector.

Currently only apprenticeships available to teaching assistants start in September so I would have to wait until next year before I could consider them although I think I would be terrible in that role.

Not any admin roles in schools nearby but will keep an eye out. The ones further away all want experience though so not sure how much chance I would have but I will keep an eye from the end of the year.