Aibu re inlaw visits

[namehange]

I am in a serious newborn sleep deprivation bubble so not sure of my thoughts at the moment and would appreciate some outside perspective. I have also name changed.

My in-laws chose to move to be nearer to DH’s brother about 10 years ago now. This was to be closer to BIL and his children as they grew up. At the time, me and DH did not have children. The journey is 6 hours away up north away from us.

me and DH would regularly make the trip to go and see PIL and BIL and his children. Maybe every 2 months or so. In the 10 years since they have moved, PIL have come to visit us only 2 times. It is always us that makes the effort to go to them. We are both in very demanding jobs and travelling so far at the weekend would leave us both exhausted by Monday but we would make the effort anyway.

fast forward to now and we have a gorgeous baby girl. Suddenly PIL want to come and stay with us every month or 6weeks for a weekend.

i understand they want to see their granddaughter, however there’s something just really agitating me about it. I feel as if they never bothered to visit their son (my DH) before DD was here and now they only want to come up because we have DD. I suppose I feel extra sensitive about it because I feel there’s been some favouritism with PIL choosing to move close to BIL over DH. I can’t imagine ever choosing to move near one child and so far from the other child and would have picked to live in the middle (but I suppose how I feel about that is irrelevant). So not to drop feed, DH and I have had fertility issues for many years, so maybe that is also clouding my judgement a bit because I feel as if they moved to be with BIL who had children whereas we were the infertile couple not worth bothering with.

The other issue is our guest room. Our guest room has hardly been used since we lived here due to PIL not visiting and we don’t really have other overnight visitors. We are therefore debating making it our little girls nursery (rather than our upstairs study which is smaller) and buying a sofa bed downstairs. I know PIL will be unhappy with this but the guest room has not been used in so long, I feel annoyed if they now claim some sort of demand for us to keep it for them.

I guess I’m just after some outside opinions … am I BU to feel a bit niggled by this sudden change of heart about visiting us?

I think it’s lovely they want to come and be involved grandparents, so many people don’t have that. Maybe every weekend is a bit much but I suspect over time the visits may space out a bit. They’re just excited about having a newborn in the family at the moment. Make the most of it!

As for the guest room I’d leave it for now and reassess in a few months…

She means visit one weekend every month or 6 weeks.

I agree with you, it's lonely they went to be involved and while I get @namehange being a bit peeved that they moved closer to BIL because they had kids, those were their only grandkids at the time and it made sense to be close so they can spend time with them and probably support them.

Unless there are other issues with your relationship with them I think you're BU.

I think you sound unreasonable

Ok thanks .. maybe my hormones and lack of sleep are just clouding my judgement and making me a bit oversensitive

Yeah you’re being over sensitive. Adult children with their own lives don’t need to be visited all the time - you’d probably have complained if your PILs tried to come and stay with you regularly pre-children! I would absolutely love my parents or PILs to see my kids every 6 week. Congratulations on your daughter.

If they want to visit monthly, I wouldn't offer the guest room and instead suggest they stay in a B&B. Sounds like a lot of extra work could be coming your way.

i dont spose the monthly visits will continue but just enjoy how they want to see their granddaughter

You can’t just choose to live equidistant to where your kids live and it is really unreasonable of you to think it’s as simple as that. Were there places that fulfilled all of their criteria for a home in the middle or did you expect them to make massive compromises in the interest of “fairness”? If their frequency of visits now is too much for you then you need to deal with that but if you are just piqued because they didn’t visit before then you need to think about what kind of relationship you want moving forward.

Your DD will need a room eventually, so I'd turn the guest room into hers now.

no idea why I typed every weekend, I did read it as every month to 6 weeks 🙈

No having guests every month is too much; especially at this stage where baby doesn’t do too much. I’d get rid of the guest room and say she is welcome to come but u need the space now so will have to be a b n b

Women can have their own thoughts without blaming hormones, women can be unreasonable or not just like anyone else

• I think their visits are reasonable, and a weekend quite short !
• go ahead and make the best room the nursery. That makes perfect sense. Don’t prioritise occasional guests over a growing child who lives there.
• an equidistant home would make no sense for your PILS. Better to live close enough to one child’s family for mutual support, and travel to the other. No point isolating yourself for old age. Be pleased you’re not the ones who will be ‘on call’ in 10-15 years time!

Congratulations on the birth of your little girl! I do agree that 2 visits in 10 years is very little indeed and now there is a big about turn, so I understand your feelings. However, it's great that they do want to be involved with your baby.
I assume that you yourselves won’t be making the 6 hour journey often with a very small baby, so at least they are making the effort now. I’d leave the guest room issue for a while as presumably baby is in with you at the moment. See if they do actually come down every 4-6 weeks as a start.
I’d also hope that your parents in law will be ‘hands on’, helping with running the house when they visit and later with helping with your daughter, if that’s what you’d like.
As someone with adult children living in different areas of the country, these decisions about moving are very, very difficult. However, I personally would never choose to live in the middle!

I’d hope that your PIL are trying to even things up now.

Both Dh and I were very close to my Mum so when she came to stay (3 hours away) when we had our first child she stayed with us for a week after Dh went back to work. She was completely hands on in whatever you wanted her to do, housework, taking the baby for a walk, letting us sleep whilst she looked after him.

PIL lived the same distance away but have always been guests in our house as we have always been treated as guests at theirs despite them living in the childhood home Dh grew up in. We had a key to my parents' house but PIL made Dh hand his key back when he moved out. We were 3 hours away so not likely to just turn up unannounced. Even when we were expected, we still had to wait on the doorstep.

When we had Ds1 they came to visit but stayed in a BnB nearby. We could not have had them stay with us, it would have been too much. Before children they came maybe once in 2 years, after that it was every 6 weeks because they had a grandchild, their only grandchild at that point.

Your baby is living with you 365 days a year, if they come down every month and stay 2 nights that is 24 nights a year. Make the spare room the nursery. Live your life the way you want and not fear the reaction of your PIL. You are grown adults with a child and your child is your priority. Point that out to them if the are upset about it.

I don't think you are overreacting at feeling hurt that they moved to be closer to their grandchildren but they are now travelling a significant distance to see your child. If they don't like the sofa bed idea then they can find a hotel or BnB to stay at.

I disagree with the majority and I wouldn't be impressed with someone that had little time for me before having children but then suddenly expected things from me once I had produced them.

Personally I'd accept the visits but I wouldn't go overboard with hosting, they can get their own tea and muck in and I'd be carrying on with my usual activities with baby. I think you should use that room in a way that makes the most sense for your family's needs.

Hopefully in time they will have a good relationship with your baby and it will be worth it.

I mean it made more sense in several ways for you to visit them, a large amount of your partners family were there. It’s also easier for a couple in their 20s/30s to travel for a weekend than a couple in their 60s.
Now they’re recognising it’s helpful if they travel to you. You’re being unreasonable to make an issue of that.
It’s not favouritism that they chose to move 10 years ago!

It's pretty clear their priorities are the grandkids. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Saying they should have moved 3 hours away from both children is ridiculous. My PIL live 20 mins away and never come to our house.

UAB over-sensitive and completely unreasonable. It’s absolutely ridiculous to think they should have chosen to live nowhere near either of their sons, making it impossible for them to support either family properly, just so it would look "fair". Maybe there are reasons you haven’t mentioned as to why you don’t seem to like your PIL much, but atm you give the impression that you’re just searching for reasons to be annoyed with them. Surely you and your DH, as independent adults with no DC, wouldn’t have wanted them visiting you to stay with you every month?

As regards the room, you need to discuss it with DH and decide which room will make the best option for your baby as she grows. If your house is small I wouldn't keep one good room empty for most of the time and call it the "guest room".

What would you be saying if they hadn’t suggested a plan to have regular visits with their granddaughter? I personally wouldn’t like anyone staying so often in the newborn stage and first few months. I’d maybe suggest every 2 months. I also wouldn’t not change a bedroom if I wanted it for the nursery. People that don’t live in my house get to dictate what I do with it.

YABU saying that PIL should have moved 'in the middle' if you and BIL. They'd then be three hours away from each family and unable to help/support either! Totally pointless. It makes sense that they moved closer to the family who (at the time) needed their help. Would you have honestly loved PIL living down the road all through your carefree adult life/ fertility treatments etc?

How old is your baby? I'd be tempted to leave rhe guest room as it is for now, as baby will be in with you, but explain to PIL that it will be being converted into a nursery at Christmas (or whenever).

Can you fit a small double bed in the upstairs study?

The best room should be your child's room. No question. If they don't like whatever sofa bed or equivalent you have available in the small room then they can find alternative accommodation which would probably be more comfortable for everyone anyway.

I never understand people who prioritise occasional guests over the comfort and convenience of the people who actually live in the house.

Have your dream nursery. They can have the sofa bed. You don’t want to encourage them to stay too long! Short and sweet.

If they’re generally well meaning and kid daft, they’re an asset. A child can never have too many people that love them. We used to observe as our babies grew up that every time they’d spent even a day with either set of grandparents, the baby/ toddler/ child had learned something new. You’ll get pleasure from seeing them take pleasure in each other.

I think your PiL's favourtism sounds like it's towards grandchildren over children, not necessarily towards one DS over the other. That is fairly common and often welcome - children are not always keen on their parents being too involved in their own lives!

Monthly or 6 weekly visits would probably be too much for me, though. Is it maybe that that's the real issue - you just don't want to be hosting so much? This may or may not change over time. I would give it a while (but keep it at the 6 - 8 week limit if you aren't enjoying it) and try and treat their visits as made in good faith because they love their DS and DGC (and maybe you too) and see if you can develop things you all do that you can enjoy and appreciate.

Strong relationships between grand children and grand parents can be of huge, huge value to your children (and to you) long term, and are well worth trying to develop if you can. To that end, I would hold off on guest room and see how things go.