DS thinks I don’t understand his needs because I’m autistic

[NellNoo]

DS (age 13) is very unhappy and feels as though he is left out and left behind with friendships.

He thinks my parenting is too strict and says it’s just because I’m autistic so I don’t understand.

I do understand that friendships are important to him but I’m trying to protect him and help him to develop into a well rounded individual

He has a smart phone but it has parental controls in place to limit his screen time (else he would be on his phone 24/7)

I’ve also blocked access to TikTok, Snapchat, Discord, WhatsApp, Reddit, and ChatGPT

He’s not allowed to play 18 rated video games and his Netflix account is set to his age (13) so he can’t watch anything 15 rated.

I think this is what a lot of parents do because the evidence suggests these things are not good for our children. He’s very angry and thinks I don’t understand that it’s 2026.

Tell me I’m not alone in this. I’m not sure how I can support him to maintain friendships and simultaneously protect him from social media.

Sounds absolutely fine and responsible parenting to me.

I see both yours and your sons side. I think maybe you can compromise a little bit. Relax the netflix settings and maybe let him have one of the apps. You can still monitor it but it might make him feel more included with his friends. This is how teens communicate with each other now.

Make the boundaries and if he breaks them then you can maybe take it away again, you have to trust the job you have done and also show your son you trust him.

Maybe I’m a bit bias in my view, but my parents were very strict with me and I still managed to find a way to do things anyway, I used to lie and be sneaky.

Maybe ease up on Netflix and let him watch 15s? He'll be feeling very left out as at that age boys will be showing off about their 18+ movies and games.

How does he communicate friends, does he play online with them and do they all have WhatsApp groups he's excluded from? It doesn't need to be all or nothing but personally I'd allow WhatsApp, 15 rated films etc on the proviso you can check his phone.

My son is a similar age and the only difference is that I do let him have WhatsApp (subject to random checks) and he can watch some 15s. All of his friends communicate via WhatsApp and I know he’d be left out of a lot if he didn’t have it.

I tend to allow tv and movies one are rating older, so my 13 year old can watch 15 ratings but not 18. If you’ve blocked all social media he’ll be very out of step with his friends, my 13 year old is allowed WhatsApp and I monitor his use of it.

As they move into teen years I think it’s important to negotiate a bit and for them to have gradual loosening of boundaries around screen use and social media. Holding everything tightly means they don’t learn to use it while you still have reasonable expectations of oversight, checking phones etc. I’d relax some of your rules.

It’s really hard, I was in a similar position, holding the line against the age inappropriate stuff.

Do reiterate that you want the very best for him, are putting restrictions in place because you love him and want to keep him safe.

It’s worth acknowledging that parents don’t always know how their DC feel, and that DC don’t understand how parents feel! That’s normal! You have life experience he hasn’t had so your perspective is different.

I imagine you have experience around feeling left out, being unable to do what everyone else is doing. You can reassure him that you know those feelings too.

I’d allow the 15s and the WhatsApp tbh, otherwise he really will be left out of a lot of what his friends are doing. But warn him that you’ll occasionally be checking his WhatsApp’s to be sure nothing bad is going on.

I agree that your rules are responsible btw but he’s also right that they’re a little too rigid for a 13 year old.

Generally, you're doing the right thing but there are lots of good suggestions for compromise. Easing a little here could make your relationship stronger.

Also, ideally, you'll be teaching and advising him how to stay safe so that when he is able to access everything, he'll know how to do it sensibly.

The apps in question have settings to block anyone who's not in your contacts which prevents strangers from messaging you. Once you set those and then put on the parental controls, he shouldn't be able to change them.

As a parent, you can insist on reading through chats/messages to monitor content. If lots of his friends are on WhatsApp and he's not, he'll be feeling left out and also they might be talking about him behind his back!

Look through the 15s on Netflix and see what you think. They are probably ok. Also, you could watch with him. I used to do that with my DD13 and we'd discuss what we were watching.

You are stricter than most parents.

many parents will consider films on a more individual basis - so eg they’ll check a site like

https://www.doesthedogdie.com/

to see what’s actually in the film and make a decision rather than doing a blanket no 15s until you are 15.

with WhatsApp for me it would depend on how excluded he is being because of it.

if his friendship group arrange meet ups on WhatsApp and he’s missing out socially because of this I’d be inclined to let him have it and keep a check on what groups he is in.

It’s how they all communicate so you are affecting his friendships

My 14 year old communicates with her friends through Snapchat messaging. They don’t use WhatsApp, so if she didn’t have Snapchat she’d feel very left out. We talk a lot about safety, boundaries, what’s appropriate etc. ideally kids wouldn’t need access to these but it’s the world we live in. I can understand both your pov’s.

It might be the blanket nature of the rules that are both frustrating to your son and potentially indicative of a black and white approach that is associated with autism.

I would generally agree that age appropriate restrictions should be in place, but there have to be shades of grey in there.

My son is allowed WhatsApp as a means of communication but we have rules about how it is to be used and what needs to be referred to us (attempts at contact from people they don't know, photo sharing, bullying etc) and we reserve the right to check his phone periodically.

Same with rated films and games - we use ratings as a guide but I will do further research into anything he is really keen to watch or play. Some categories of 'adult' bother me less than others so I will allow a game that's rated highly just for bad language, but not one with sexual content for example.

Maybe a bit more nuance would help - have you offered to vet games etc to see if you think it's suitable or is it just a yes or no based purely on the rating?

He needs WhatsApp to communicate with his friends. So yes you are ruining his friendships. I would also allow 15 rated films.
Gaming I would take each game as it is rather than a blanket ban on anything over his actual age. I agree your autism makes everything black and white and no compromise. You don’t understand him and are making life unnecessarily hard for him

I think these are unusually firm rules for a high schooler but your kid so you get the only vote. I don’t personally restrict WhatsApp (that’s how we chat!) or movies, but she self regulates that as she doesn’t like violence or sex scenes anyway. I would start pulling it back a bit now that he’s a teenager personally as this is a long list of not ever without any nuance.

At the moment he communicates with friends via text message but I do appreciate that’s not really how it’s done and he’s missing out on the group chats.

I’ve tried to let him have WhatsApp on three occasions previously and every time he’s shown he is not responsible enough yet/it’s detrimental. He live streamed himself to a whole class group behaving in a dangerous manner such that one of the children showed their parents out of concern who then contacted school. He was added to random groups where he did not know most of the people and was sent pornographic videos. He was sent messages from people who are not his friends that were bullying in nature.

But I could maybe try again and monitor his usage. I don’t want him to feel left out.

I understand both points of view here. But I do think in your adherence to the rules, you may indeed be affecting his friendships negatively. They all communicate via Snapchat it seems to me. If he's not in the groups where arrangements are made, then he's going to be missing out.

I think its all appropriate but I would allow him to watch certificate 15 films.
Edit- he should have whatsapp too, its how kids talk.
Do random phone checks to monitor the content.

Totally agree with this. Our son is nearly 14 and he has Whatsapp as that's how everyone communicates. Same with some 18 games - we research into them and decide if we think it'll be OK (Plus the console is in our lounge, so we're fully aware of what he's playing when he is).

It's a different world now, and it really does help socially if kids have some access to this stuff to not feel completely left out, and different.

You can set whatsapp so he can’t be added to random groups

Im going to say this there’s a kid in ds class who isn’t even allowed to use the word “stupid” his parents deem it as a swear word, the other kids have picked up this and yes he’s left out of things due to the way his parents are. No video games etc.
so yes there is such a thing as being to strict in these circumstances i would allow him to have whatsapp & watch certain 15s he probably feels as you are babying him which honestly op you are.

He’s obviously not mature enough for you to loosen the reins at this stage, that’s the problem. Are you sure that he is NT? If he is throwing your neurodiversity at you and then he has shown himself to be very poor at decision making when it comes to the examples you’ve mentioned, I would have to question whether he too might be lacking some objectivity.

I had set up WhatsApp to not allow him to be added to random groups but he was just able to change the setting back himself in the App.

He used to play on the PS5 a lot and played Fortnite with his friends but they all play Call of Duty now which is an 18

Perhaps I am too black and white in my thinking - I’ve always just gone with the age ratings (even for myself when I was a child) as that’s the rating that it is and it I assume it was made that rating for a reason.

If he is mature enough relax Netflix to 15 my DS was allowed this, not prone to nightmares, reasonably mature so that felt ok.
I’d say let him have what’s app and discord, you can monitor who adds on both and you can also set it so randoms can’t add your number to chats on What’s App. DS knows I reserve the right to check his phone at any time. I very rarely do. These are the only chat apps he has. TikTok and Snapchat are a hard no. But they do communicate differently these days. So maybe a discussion to say I will allow you this again but on this understanding etc.

A lot of ratings cover a single flash of nipple that makes a film 15 but otherwise fine. It doesn’t indicate content for a whole film. I probably wouldn’t be happy with call of duty though. Common Sense Media is a really useful website for gauging how age appropriate films, games etc may be as both parents and children rate things.