DS thinks I don’t understand his needs because I’m autistic

[NellNoo]

DS (age 13) is very unhappy and feels as though he is left out and left behind with friendships.

He thinks my parenting is too strict and says it’s just because I’m autistic so I don’t understand.

I do understand that friendships are important to him but I’m trying to protect him and help him to develop into a well rounded individual

He has a smart phone but it has parental controls in place to limit his screen time (else he would be on his phone 24/7)

I’ve also blocked access to TikTok, Snapchat, Discord, WhatsApp, Reddit, and ChatGPT

He’s not allowed to play 18 rated video games and his Netflix account is set to his age (13) so he can’t watch anything 15 rated.

I think this is what a lot of parents do because the evidence suggests these things are not good for our children. He’s very angry and thinks I don’t understand that it’s 2026.

Tell me I’m not alone in this. I’m not sure how I can support him to maintain friendships and simultaneously protect him from social media.

Apologies for not making it clear. He is autistic - was diagnosed when he was 5/6 but he regularly uses ‘autistic’ as an insult. I don’t think he sees himself as autistic he tells me other autistic teens are ‘weird’. He doesn’t want to be weird and I’m making him the ‘weird kid’

He is extremely susceptible to peer pressure and has little impulse control

If you have let him have WhatsApp in the past and he hasn’t respected rules that’s very different from he’s never had it.

some kids cope with it fairly well others don’t

if he is autistic I’d want to consider this in the context of his wider social skills and friendship groups.

My dc all use Snapchat and WhatsApp to communicate with friends. He’s probably feeling extremely left out.

I also wouldn’t have put a blanket ban on anything over 15 on Netflix. How can he join in with conversations etc when he doesn’t know what his friends are talking about. Same with tik tok. They all use it a lot and talk about the creators on there. I’m sure you can put restrictions on the app if needed?

there’s a fine line between being protective and isolating your son.

I never ‘banned’ anything. I viewed it as my job to teach my kids how to navigate things safely. Banning them from having apps wouldn’t have done that

Sometimes you have to be the "bad guy" to your children to do what is in their best interests. We also had to withdraw whatsapp due to inappropriate use, although will try again in September for the new school year. We don't allow roblox or fortnite and review each request to watch something with an older age rating. This does not make us popular with our child! Most of their friends seem to have unlimited access to the internet and older rated shows, which doesn't help. Some of this will be bravado, but we have also seen it directly, so plenty is true.

There have been some sensible suggestions on where you might be able to relax the rules a bit too.

TikTok can be managed for teens through the app. Have a look. Same with insta.

You can put settings in place on WhatsApp like he can’t be added to groups without permission. The app itself has a 13+ rating so is deemed suitable!

Most 15’s are probably ok for a 13 year old, you could discuss with him what he wants to watch and make the decision together rather than blanket banning him?

also blocked access to TikTok, Snapchat, Discord, WhatsApp, Reddit, and ChatGPT

This is very restrictive. How do you expect him to communicate with his friends outside of school? I also think restricting netflix to his age rating is overly strict. He doesn't need Reddit or discord, or even tiktok though.

Hmmmm, I was going to say you were being too strict but based on the behaviour you've described with the live streaming of himself then that changes it a bit.

Not armchair diagnosing but has he had an ADHD assessment? AuDHD is a relatively new diagnosis (could be dual diagnosed until 2015 I think) but very common. The lack of impulse control and dangerous behaviour points to that. My daughter has AuDHD and gaming with friends on Minecraft and Roblox is a bit part of how she socialises with friends (with appropriate parental controls and monitoring in place!)

Either way having a safety chat, using in app controls to restrict what he does and agreeing he can have monitored access sounds like a good starting point. This site has loads of good info on settings: https://www.internetmatters.org/parental-controls/social-media/

We're very relaxed about TV and gaming ratings for our 14YO but he's not allowed Call of Duty, it's a horrible mean spirited game that attracts nobheads of all ages. What is your son into? There's loads of games that have high ratings that are interesting and sneakily educational. A lot are on Steam if PC is an option, things like Frostpunk, Stellaris. Helldivers is an 18 and similar shooting mechanics to Call of Duty but seems to attract a much better community (although is pretty brutal so maybe not the best).

Your rules sound very sensible to me. When my autistic DS was that age I had similar rules. I relented to him having Discord and Snapchat to keep in touch with friends before I (also autistic) was really comfortable with it and heavily regret it now. He fell in with some problematic people online and over time locked me out of the different apps. Him having access to these apps before he was old enough to manage them responsibly wasn't the only but for sure one of the reasons why he ended up having to handle relationships he wasn't ready for at all.

You are being totally responsible. My son is 13. He has What's App, but I do check regularly and he is responsible with it. He is on a few groups with school friends and a family chat which me and my husband are on too. This is you being a good parent, and keeping your child safe.

Doesn't sound overly strict to me.

If you feel he's genuinely missing out by not having WhatsApp, can you get him to agree to a set of rules around its usage, then do a trial to see how it goes? I hate that it has an AI chatbot integrated into it though.

Or alternatively wait until the WhatsApp parent-managed accounts are released in the UK.

But his comment about you not understanding because you're autistic sounds like him just airing his frustration while having a dig at you too.

So that’s where you start to negotiate. My DS knows that if I find anything on his phone, or he changes his password, or changes the access settings the phone is removed until he can behave responsibly. So the privilege of the phone comes with trust, if the trust is breached he looses the phone, and if complains about it he looses it for longer. He can also earn it back through behaviour, homework and helpfulness.

He needs to learn how to navigate this stuff responsibly before he’s too old for you to keep track of.

‘These are perfectly normal rules, DS, do not dare to try to use my diagnosis to manipulate me into lowering my rules as a parent. I am the adult, autistic or otherwise, and you are not. My autism does not mean you know better than me.’

Repeat ad nauseoum. He’s trying to get you to lower your guard by playing on likely your biggest insecurity - that your ND means you’re doing things wrong. It’s a nasty thing to do.

You are absolutely reasonable in your rules, but it can be smart to experiment a bit with controlled loosening of the rules. A few posts above have some good suggestions.

It’s really hard to navigate this, and it’s frustrating that there is strong evidence to support everything you’ve listed but you end up having to compromise because of other parent’s choices.

What I have found helps is involving the dc in the decisions, listening to their concerns and demonstrating that I hear and understand before sharing mine, and recruiting their help to problem solve. It sounds like you’ve both taken up entrenched oppositional positions and you need to find a way to work together.

I think if you have tried and failed with the WhatsApp then I think you have reasonable grounds to keep preventing that one. The films and the games should be judged on their own merit rather than a blanket ban. You know your DC, you know what content is likely to be too graphic / upsetting/ frightening etc. If he asks to watch a specific film just take a look at IMDb or a quick google for the content if it sounds ok what’s the harm in letting him watch it.